Just a quick post for some predictions on where things are headed with this whole “technology” thing.

We are going to see some new applications with noise canceling technology. Most commonly used in headphones to quiet unwanted sounds such as annoying coworkers, jet engines, and your daughter’s pet gerbil that sits in his cage as he chews up an entire empty paper towel roll one square millimeter at a time with his black beady eyes staring at me thinking “one day I’ll get out of here and the tables will be turned. Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but somewhere down the road I’ll escape from this metal cage and all bets are off.” But I digress.

So now car companies are getting on the action by using noise canceling technology to create cars that are quieter inside by blocking out engine noise. When I get a free day to myself (projected date: 9/21/2019), I’m going to install a noise canceling device in my forced air heating and cooling system. I don’t think I need to hear the big fan in the basement from every possible location inside my home.

The military could use this technology to help airplanes avoid radar. Currently they spend all kinds of money on planes that have unusual angular designs and special coatings to absorb radar waves. All they need to do is have a computer that listens for radar waves and then send back a wave that is exactly inverse to what the airplane is reflecting back to the radar station. Granted that these waves are moving at pretty much the speed of light, but with some clever computer programming it just might work. And it could save the Department of Defense a few dollars here and there.

New topic– cell phone technology. While everyone and their dog knows that computer processors are getting faster all the time (roughly doubling in speed every 18 months) a somewhat less exciting benefit is that processors are using less energy per operation. While cell phones are being developed that let people talk on the phone, watch Youtube videos, and create highly accurate models of nuclear reactions all at the same time, cell phone companies could find a new market niche for phones that use so little energy to run that the device could be powered by the movement of your body in the form of a Star Trek communicator (or maybe a wrist watch for the nerd impaired). Warning: this device should not be used for anyone who is extremely lethargic.

So that wraps things up around here. Check back in a few years to see if any of these predictions came true.

CNN Writer Paul Miller recently wrote about his year long self-imposed banishment from the Internet. “What’s the Internet?” asked half the world.

As the head writer for one of the most popular cutting-edge websites on the planet (or at least in my household), I have been fortunate to become one of the beta testers for the highly publicized “Google Glass” wearable computer. While the hardware is state-of-the-art, the real power of this product lays with the apps that take advantage of the abilities of Google Glass.

In my humble opinion, the best app to date is named “Get Some.” As the name implies, this app is designed to help the user establish intimate relations in their daily life. Once up and running, the app detects when the user starts up a conversation with a person not already stored in the database. It listens to the conversation and displays useful information based on keywords. This feature is great for impressing women when they ask irrational questions such as, “What is your very favorite Indigo Girls song?” While I’m not sure about all the programming aspects of this app, I suspect it networks with Watson, the Jeopardy! winning computer.

While conversation tips are great for anyone with a fear of talking to new people, the app doesn’t stop there. Once the app discovers the name of the person on the other end of the camera, it connects to various databases to actively search for more personalized information. I found that a majority of the time it could find Facebook pages, driver’s license information, and recent income tax returns. This is quite useful to determine if you want to take things to the next level.

As a single person trying to meet new people in a bar setting, having a good wing man is an essential element for success. If your wing man is not able to accompany you for reasons such as work, unexpected illness, house arrest, or scheduling conflicts with your mother’s monthly quilting class, the Get Some app lets any number of your associates view a live audio and video stream and send text messages directly to your screen. All of this is completely seamless and nobody in the room is aware the app is running.

So if things are going really well, the app can bring up directions to your place, his/her place, or the closest motel room within a preset budget. Also maps to open stores that sell your favorite contraceptive devices can easily be displayed. If too much alcohol or other mood enhancing drugs have been consumed, a taxi can be ordered with a blink of an eye. Literally.

So if things are going great, the app has done it’s job. At this point a message comes up and says, “Remember, it isn’t nice to capture video of having sex with someone without their knowledge and consent.” A few seconds later another message pops up saying, “Wink wink– our lawyers made us say that!” Common sense would dictate that you at least turn off the live streaming to your friends just in case some embarrassing situation arises such as inappropriate uncontrollable laughter, erectile dysfunction, or mistaken the gender of your partner.

While there is room for improvement, the Get Some app is clearly the direction Google Glass is heading. I highly recommend this for anyone looking to meet someone new when everyone else you know describes you as hopelessly boring, lacking any knowledge of current events, and/or obsessed with changes made to the 1997 re-release of “Star Wars: A New Hope.”

Tiger Wood’s girlfriend Lindsey Vonn plans to accompany the number one ranked golfer at the year’s Masters tournament. When asked about Wood’s past relationships, she commented, “Does anyone know exactly what happened? As far as I can tell it was just a case of he said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said.”

Now I’m officially 39 years old. As I always say– The older you get, the harder it is to be a prime number.

Fox announced plans today for yet another high-profile reality show. Twenty teenage female contestants will compete against each other for a year long contract to help promote maxi pads, tampons, and other feminine hygiene products. When asked how long this reality show theme can go on, one high ranking network official replied, “While the general public has several options with this genre, we strongly believe we have a hit concept with ‘American Midol.’”

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer sent a memo out to all his employees critical of open source software and the companies who support it. “Complicating the situation are companies, like IBM, whose support of Linux has added an illusion of support and accountability.” The memo went on to say, “This, obviously, is in direct conflict with Microsoft’s illusion of support and accountability.”

Dodge recently unveiled a new prototype motorcycle. Sitting on four wheels and sporting a 10 cylinder Viper engine, the machine can accelerate from 0 to 60 in 2.5 seconds and has an estimated top speed of 400 miles per hour. A slightly less impressive statistic was recorded, however, when the vehicle had to stop for refueling midway through the quarter mile.

Despite intense lobbying efforts by Microsoft, the city of Munich, Germany decided to stop using Microsoft Windows in favor of Linux, a popular open source operating system. In an official document explaining the situation, the government explained, “It was a tough decision to abandon the Microsoft corporation– we have the highest levels of respect for their continued attempt to take over the world.”

Newt Gingrich has been given the opportunity to be one of the very first adopters of the new Google Glass. While always a public advocate of futuristic technological advances such as robotic doctor chairs and moon colonies, Gingrich’s excitement to try out this new technology was hard to contain as he detailed the potential uses for this new technology.  ”I can be sitting in a meeting while seamlessly utilizing the power of the internet. This includes, but is not limited to, receiving real-time updates about important world events, checking up on my various stock portfolios, and utilizing Watson, the Jeopardy! winning computer, to find my next wife before my current one is even admitted to the hospital.”

I was driving down the highway today and the electronic warning sign said, “Call *277 to report drunk drivers.” The next sign read, “Plz txt Some1NEARmeISbReakingTHElaw to 31416 to report drivers using their phones while driving.”

Back to driving…

So I was watching Wall-E the other day for the Nth time (where N=N+1, which explains how many times my kiddos want to see this particular movie) and I noticed something that bothered me and now I can’t get it out of my head.  When Wall-E is hanging on to the outside of the rocket ship there is a shot of what I’m assuming is the Milky Way (or a similar shaped galaxy) which make me ask “how far away did they have to take the Axiom to escape the pollution of Earth?”  The answer, apparently, is a long, long way.  I asked Isabel for an explanation, but she started yelling “today is Wall-E’s birthday” over and over.  And if they can travel past billion of stars, why couldn’t they find a new planet on which to live?  Also, how much of the pollution on Earth was a direct result of building hundred of thousands of space ships and launching 10 billion people across the galaxy?  Think about it, but try not to let it keep you up all night.

In a recent interview on Fox News Sunday the Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney placed the blame for not winning the election squarely on his campaign’s failure to connect with minority voters.  His wife, however, was quick to place blame on the fourth estate.  ”And just to be clear about this, when I say ‘fourth estate’ I am referring to the media, and not our actual fourth estate we purchased to be closer to Rafalca, our professionally trained dance horse which recently competed in the 2012 Olympics.”

In an effort to make our schools safer from violence, action movie star Steven Seagal is training 40 volunteers in Forrest Hills, Arizona to become armed guards in public schools. In other news, H&R Block is offering to let customers have their tax returns prepared by Wesley Snipes.