Security screening in one major airport was completely closed today for the better part of an hour after experiencing another cupcake related incident. A senior administrator at the TSA explained. “While we feel that we have made every effort to explain our actions related to the ‘cupcake in a jar’ incident, we would also like to ask the general public not to bring a dozen cupcake jars through security– especially when their primary ingredient appeared to be chocolate flavored laxatives.”
About Omar
Omar Lutfey has been running this website since 2000 (back when having your own website really meant something!). He is currently working as a delivery driver at United Parcel Service, promoting energy conservation on his website at BlackRemote.com, and trying to save the Boulder Kinetics race at BoulderKinetics.com.Categories
- Amsterdam, Holland
- Black Remote
- Boulder, Colorado
- Christmas Letters
- Divide, Colorado
- Evil Alien Overlord
- General Website
- Germany
- Getting Married
- How I Annoy People
- How I Think Things Work
- Kiddo News
- Kinetics
- Loveland, Colorado
- Multi-Media
- My Crazy Ideas
- My Skit Scripts
- My Song Lyrics
- My Videos
- New York City
- Places I've Been
- Quips
- Rampant Idealism
- Random Events
- Salt Lake City, Utah
- San Francisco, California
- Shout Outs
- Taylor, Pennsylvania
- This whole "kid" thing
- United Parcel Service
Random Quips
- Future SNL Weekend Update Joke:
March 12, 2011
Republicans in Congress are attempting to eliminate funding for a federal program which provides low income women basic reproductive services such as low-cost cervical and breast cancer screening. ”Hey, maybe these guys aren’t so bad after all.” commented the Taliban.
- Stupid Radio Station:
April 4, 2009
So I’m sitting in bumper to bumper traffic by the Fort Collins Mall in a rather feeble attempt to deliver UPS packages out of a Budget Rental truck 24 hours after a storm front dumped two feet of snow along the entire front range. I’m not sure, but I think I kind of lost it when I started yelling at the radio, “Damnit! Why are you playing the exact same song that girl at the Karaoke Bar sang seven years ago that I totally fell for, even though she was totally unimpressed when I sang the jingle about the metric system I committed to memory after hearing it once in ninth grade science class and then never saw again? WHY DO YOU TORMENT ME SO 105.5 JACK FM?”
- Twenty-five:
November 6, 2002
The non-traditional action series “24″ is back for another season on the Fox network. The first season documented a single twenty-four hour period of the main character’s life that included, among other things, foiling an assassination attempt on a presidential candidate. The first ten episodes of this season are focusing on Kiefer Sutherland enjoying a decent night’s sleep.
- Fat Bottomed Girls:
July 18, 2003
The National Institute of Health released a report stating that while American children are becoming more obese, they are less likely to become pregnant or engage in violent activity. One of the researchers concluded, “If you want to keep your son out of school-yard fights and your daughter from getting knocked up, make sure they watch plenty of television and consume large quantities of junk food on a daily basis.”
- Three Strikes:
February 6, 2003
In a recent interview, Ben Affleck dismissed rumors that he plans to marry Jennifer Lopez on Valentine’s Day. When asked if he ever had a fling with Britney Spears, Affleck again said it wasn’t true. He proceeded to ask the pop princess’s age and then mouthed the words “call me” as he made a telephone gesture with his thumb and pinky.
- A Room With A View:
July 17, 2010
Condemned killer Kenneth Biros could become the first person in the country put to death with a single dose of an intravenous anesthetic instead of the usual — and faster-acting — process if his execution proceeds Tuesday. This new process is believed to be more humane than the previous method of strapping the individual into a chair and forcing them to watch old episodes of “The View” until they became bored to death.
- Word on the Street:
November 25, 2002
Paramount Pictures recently announced plans for a motion picture based on the 1980s Fox television drama “21 Jump Street.” Plans call for the return of some original cast members and a heavy dose of computer-generated effects to turn Richard Grieko back into an undercover high school student.
- Tex-Ass Rangers:
June 26, 2003
The U.S. Supreme Court declared unconstitutional a Texas “homosexual conduct” law which imposes a $500 fine for same-sex couples who engage in oral and anal sex. When asked about President Bush’s views on the matter, soon-to-be ex-White House Spokesman Ari Fleischer commented, “The President is actually quite pleased with this decision. Now nobody on Capitol Hill can complain after the next election when all those Democrats in Congress take it up the ass.”
- Stalling Repairs:
February 19, 2003
The Los Angeles School District plans to spend $10 million to repair school restrooms after a TV report showed facilities that were dirty, broken down, or even locked. While many supporters describe the action as desperately needed, a small group of California taxpayers describe the plan as little more than throwing money down the toilet.
- Office Aids:
November 12, 2002
Bill Gates recently announced two large monetary investments in India. The founder of Microsoft is donating $100 million to fight AIDS and investing another $400 million to promote Microsoft products in the developing nation. Critics point out this action will do little more than eliminate one virus and replace it with another.
- Going Down:
December 17, 2002
Still working damage control, Senator Trent Lott recently appeared on Black Entertainment Television to apologize for recent racially insensitive comments. While many viewers found his thirty-minute speech unconvincing, the Senate Republican leader generally received high marks for his introductory break-dance routine.
- Blowing in the wind:
September 25, 2010
A recently completed offshore renewable energy facility has been put into service off the coast of Ramsgate in Kent, England. The turbines, which will generate enough electricity to power 200,000 homes, are poised to officially take over the record for largest wind farm– a record currently held by Taco Bell. - Election Coverage:
September 18, 2002
After a close election in the Democratic nomination for governor of Florida, former Clinton administration attorney general Janet Reno conceded defeat to Tampa lawyer and first-time candidate Bill McBride. While generally cordial, she ended her concession speech by saying, “Sure, Mr. McBride seems like a nice enough guy, but when push comes to shove does he have the nerve to send fully armed SWAT teams to extract little five-year-old boys from their bed in the middle of the night? I highly doubt it.”
- Come on Holmes:
April 22, 2011
I watched “Holmes on Homes” on HGTV last night. Mike Holmes travels to people’s houses to repair shady contractor projects gone awry. Now he can finally quit his part time job working security detail for that Dexy’s Midnight Runners tribute band. - In Exotic Motorcycle News:
March 31, 2009
Dodge recently unveiled a new prototype motorcycle. Sitting on four wheels and sporting a 10 cylinder Viper engine, the machine can accelerate from 0 to 60 in 2.5 seconds and has an estimated top speed of 400 miles per hour. A slightly less impressive statistic was recorded, however, when the vehicle had to stop for refueling midway through the quarter mile.
- Future SNL Weekend Update Joke:

I was planning on writing about the town of Divide, Colorado on my recent trip to eat dinner with Kristin and her mother, but that was before I discovered the size of the town. Located a bit west of Colorado Springs, Divide basically consists of a gas station, a stop light, and a two story mini-mall. Curious about why a town of this magnitude needs a stop light, I researched the matter at the Teller county library. It turns out the traffic control device was installed in the spring of 1921 as a way of getting people to stop and wander through the inevitably small selection at the local video store.
I’m just not the type of person who gets sick very often. While I can only provide anecdotal evidence on this matter, I firmly believe my good health is due to the fact I religiously adhere to the “doughnut pyramid” philosophy of nutrition. (NOTE TO SELF: eat two more chocolate eclairs before bed to fulfill the recommended daily allowance of vanilla goo). Despite my impeccable eating habits, some sort of evil invaders made their way into my body. And, no, I’m not talking about the Spanish Inquisition. My symptoms included coughing, sneezing, fever, chills, cold sweats, runny nose, headache, abnormally high levels of drool (while awake), irritability, disorientation, high cholesterol, itchy facial hair, consecutive bad hair days, and an unexplained tolerance of “Gilligan’s Island” reruns.








