Cosmic Error

After reading the dozen tweets from Neil deGrasse Tyson regarding the accuracy of the movie Gravity, I would like to point out a glaring inaccuracy in the title sequence of the television series Cosmos. Even if you could travel faster than the speed of light through the cosmos the stars wouldn’t appear to move relative to one another.  At most you would be able to see one star in the center fly at you as you passed next to it as the rest of the cosmos appeared static. Star Wars and Star Trek are also guilty of this mistake, but I have been unable to reach George Lucas and J.J. Abrams to rectify the problem. Also, they are fictional stories.

Despite this slight issue with the show I would like compliment Mr. Tyson on doing a great job promoting scientific principles to the world at large.

Omar Lutfey

newfunny.com

Turning 40

So I finished turning 40 on Thursday. The biggest difference I’ve noticed is that when I deliver packages in the trailer park the trampy women aren’t throwing themselves at me like they did when I was 39 earlier in the week.

Wind of Change

So as of this Saturday I’ve officially been a full time package driver at United Parcel Service for 10 years. Only another 10 or 20 years left until I can retire and start drawing my pension. Too bad I didn’t start at UPS earlier.

Also, I’ve come to the realization that I only have 12 more days to earn myself a Field Metal for Mathematical achievement. Apparently once you turn 40 you are no longer eligible for the award. I’ll have to think of a simple polynomial time solution for the “traveling salesman problem” while I’m at work this week. Or as I like to think of it, “the UPS driver wants to get home before his kids go to bed dilemma.”

Bright Eyes

Delivering packages at the mall is making me feel old. I was at Sephora this week when one of the girls asked if I would get mad if she moved by me as I was unloading packages.  I replied that I was “living in a powder keg and giving off sparks.” None of the three girls in the room understood what I was saying even when I clarified that it was a lyric from Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” Still nothing. So next I went to the eye center and explained what just happened and none of them knew what I was talking about until one girl piped up and said “I think I heard that song on American Idol.” I guess that’s something. I was going to make a reference to the song “Glory Days” but I didn’t feel like explaining to everyone about Bruce Springsteen.

Quirky 2

So I was playing around on my computer last night and I submitted another idea I’ve been kicking around in my head for the past few months. I don’t have anywhere near the time and effort into this idea as my remote control stuff, but I still think it has a lot of potential. Feel free to vote on it on their website if you like the idea:

http://www.quirky.com/invent/897238/

Football Camera

A camera in both pointy ends of a football lets everyone see the game from a new perspective.

The Problem

Nobody can see the game from the football’s point of view.

The Solution

Two small cameras are a placed at both ends of a football. These cameras broadcast over wi-fi to nearby computers, authorized cell phones, and even directly to the internet without getting in the way of the game. Software would automatically “un-spin” the view when the ball is thrown for a smooth bird’s eye view from both ends of the ball.

Random Post: UPS Baggage

Ever wonder what a UPS driver takes with him in the truck each day?  I was cleaning out my duffel bag this weekend and I thought I would document everything I lug around all winter.

  1. Lunch Box
  2. Ice grippers (2 pairs)
  3. UPS hat
  4. Winter UPS hat (a.k.a. Elmer Fudd hat)
  5. Empty Gatorade bottle
  6. Tupperware first aid kit (Advil, Band-aids, and what not)
  7. iPod shuffle
  8. Breath mints
  9. Metholatum
  10. Dental floss
  11. Work gloves (2 pairs)
  12. Winter gloves
  13. Extra nuts and bolts (for use with winter cheater chains)
  14. Two 9/16 inch wrench (to get chains on and off)
  15. Leatherman
  16. Extra pens
  17. Safety glasses
  18. Prescription glasses
  19. Info notices
  20. 1 gallon water jug
  21. Neck warmer
  22. Ear warmer
  23. Summer jacket
  24. Vest
  25. Winter jacket
  26. Ice scraper
  27. Flashlight
  28. Maps (two different map books, various laminated pages)
  29. Extra UPS labels
  30. Suduko Books
  31. Duffel bag
  32. Wallet (not shown)
  33. Cell phone (not shown)
  34. Car keys (not shown)

Random Post: Nights at the Round Table

North Korea has agreed, in principle, to six-way talks addressing Pyongyang’s controversial nuclear program. The complex agreement will bring North Korea, South Korea, China, Japan, Russia, and the United States together in an attempt to resolve the situation. While the details of the negotiations have not been finalized, it is widely believed the meeting will culminate in a no-holds-barred, winner-takes-all game of Chinese checkers.

Random Post: The King of Kong

I found this little gem while browsing around the Netflix “Watch Instantly” section.  While a documentary about two grown men obsessing over the old school “Donkey Kong”  video game doesn’t sound very exciting, I got sucked into it the more I watched.  By the end Katherine and I were both sitting at my desk seeing who was going to win in the end.   Here is a teaser trailer on YouTube:

Unfortunately the entire movie isn’t available on the Internet for free, but anyone with a Netflix access can visit the following link to order it or choose the “watch instantly” option.

Netflix link to “The_King_of_Kong”

Side note: I’m a big fan of Netflix, but it really rubs me the wrong way that they built their viewer exclusively around Mircosoft’s Internet Explorer.  The first time I tried this feature I had to spend a half an hour getting updates for IE and Direct X before the first image appeared on my screen.  So I’m giving a Steven Colbert “wag of my finger” to Netflix for not using a cross-browser solution.

Random Post: Heavy Reading

The hottest book on Amazon.com this week described the efforts of a morbidly obese man to become a functioning member of society once again. The title of the book is, “How I Lost 749 Pounds But Found It In The Sofa Cushions.”

Random Post: In Business News

Xerox recently admitted to overstating revenue by 1.9 billion over the past 5 years. Attempts to destroy potentially damaging information proved unsuccessful when the copier, instead of mangling documents beyond recognition, produced clean and easy-to-read duplicates.

Black Remote Update

I don’t spend too much time talking about my remote control patent mostly because there isn’t much humor in United States patents named “Electronic Control Conservation Devices.”  My idea is a remote control cradle that completely shuts off power to a home entertainment system. When the remote is placed in the cradle power to the home entertainment system is shut off. Removing the remote from the cradle restores power to the system.  Here is an early prototype:

remote_offremote_on

I’ve submitted the idea to the website quirky.com.  If I can get 200 votes for it in the next 30 days they will consider producing it. I’ve already gotten 5 people to vote for it at 10 p.m. on a Saturday night.  If you would like to see this on the shelves at your local stores please vote for it at the following link:

http://www.quirky.com/invent/856228

Thanks!

Two for T

I decided last night that when one person is in bed laying on their back and the other person is snuggled up on their side it is called “T-spooning.” Kat’s thoughts on my revelation- “Go to sleep already!”