Security screening in one major airport was completely closed today for the better part of an hour after experiencing another cupcake related incident. A senior administrator at the TSA explained. “While we feel that we have made every effort to explain our actions related to the ‘cupcake in a jar’ incident, we would also like to ask the general public not to bring a dozen cupcake jars through security– especially when their primary ingredient appeared to be chocolate flavored laxatives.”
About Omar
Omar Lutfey has been running this website since 2000 (back when having your own website really meant something!). He is currently working as a delivery driver at United Parcel Service, promoting energy conservation on his website at BlackRemote.com, and trying to save the Boulder Kinetics race at BoulderKinetics.com.Categories
- Amsterdam, Holland
- Black Remote
- Boulder, Colorado
- Christmas Letters
- Divide, Colorado
- Evil Alien Overlord
- General Website
- Germany
- Getting Married
- How I Annoy People
- How I Think Things Work
- Kiddo News
- Kinetics
- Loveland, Colorado
- Multi-Media
- My Crazy Ideas
- My Skit Scripts
- My Song Lyrics
- My Videos
- New York City
- Places I've Been
- Quips
- Rampant Idealism
- Random Events
- Salt Lake City, Utah
- San Francisco, California
- Shout Outs
- Taylor, Pennsylvania
- This whole "kid" thing
- United Parcel Service
Random Quips
- Palin’s plan:
January 15, 2011
In a recent interview on the Oprah Winfrey show, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin described the President’s economic plan as “back-assward.” She went on to explain how her plan would be different when she runs for Office in 2012. “When I sit down at that big desk in the White House, the first thing I’ll do is fix this economic disaster by getting rid of all these overly complex rules that only benefit those shady characters on Wall Street and make things nice and simple by declaring that the dollar is worth exactly one pound of caribou meat and all new home loans will be backed by the snow machines in your garage. The second thing I’ll do is boldly stand at the window and wave to all of our neighboring countries.”
- Climbing the Wal:
October 9, 2010

Wal-Mart Stores Inc., the nation’s largest private employer, plans to end automatic profit-sharing contributions for its employees in a revamp of its benefits package. A Human Resource representative for the company explained the changes. “Now, instead of giving money to all those employees over and over again, we are going to give these people a chance to live, at a very reasonable cost, in a vibrant, rugged community with fellow employees on the rooftops where they work. Outside of public view, obviously.”
- In the Name of Security:
September 3, 2003
Microsoft Corporation warned on Wednesday that users of its Office software were at risk of having their computers taken over by an attacker unless they applied a patch to correct the problem. The attacker? Microsoft Corporation.
- Breaking the Law:
May 15, 2003
Officials in China are responding to the SARS epidemic by threatening possible execution for individuals who do not comply with quarantines and other travel restrictions. One high-ranking Texan Republican commented, “Boy, I wish we could do something like that to the Democrats right about now.”
- Down the rabbit hole:
August 13, 2011
Officials at San Fransisco’s Bay Area Rapid Transport admitted to shutting down cell phone service to disrupt a planned protest in the vicinity. While reaction to the news was mixed during the blackout, one man went on record saying, “I think this is a perfectly acceptable course of action given the need for public safety. We don’t need a bunch of troublemakers down here…. aaaarrrrggghhh… I’m having a heart attack… call 911! What do you mean you aren’t getting a signal?” - Cleaning Up:
September 20, 2002
Accused of looting hundreds of millions of dollars from Tyco International, former CEO Dennis Kozlowski now faces federal charges of corruption, conspiracy, and grand larceny. One of the prosecuting attorneys in the case went on record saying, “Six thousand dollars for a shower curtain! What does he think this is, the military?”
- Free Bird:
November 22, 2005
President Bush pardoned two turkeys, Stars and Stripes, during the annual White House Thanksgiving tradition. When asked about the status of those who did not receive clemency and are still being held at undisclosed locations around the world, the President replied, “I want to be clear on this– we do not torture… Let’s just say they’ve been ‘tenderized.’ Heh heh heh. Yeah, that sounds much better.”
- The Zero Effect:
October 21, 2002
A White House spokesman stated Monday that the United States will insist on a “zero tolerance” policy regarding weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. To put this in perspective, the Bush administration assigned Iran and North Korea, the remaining two-thirds of the “Axis of Evil,” tolerance levels of five and eleven.
- Barrel Of Monkeys:
February 27, 2008
A report in the December 2007 issue of Animal Behavior claims male monkeys pay for sex with grooming services. After a twenty month observation of the monkeys, one researcher concluded, “Despite the rather conclusive evidence that monkeys pay for these services, we still advise the general public to avoid monkeys who try to pay for sex with a personal check.”
- Music Notes:
December 16, 2002
Singer David Lee Roth is suing his former Van Halen band mates. The suit alleges members of the band robbed him of royalty money through a 1996 contract with Warner Bros. When asked about the legal proceedings, Roth said, “Woooo! I’m back in the spotlight, and ready to ROCK!!!”
- Island Paradise:
July 11, 2003
An unidentified British financier recently spent $40 million for an apartment space facing Central Park in New York City. After the deal was finalized, the landlord warned the new tenant, “No loud music, no drugs, or I get you arrested and someone else gets your apartment.”
- Traffic Jam:
February 25, 2011
I was looking through the web statistics for newfunny.com, and was somewhat surprised about what words lead people to this site. Here are the top 10 phrases according to godaddy.com where I host the site:
porno, porn movie, rush limbaugh wedding, www.newfunny.com, holmes on homes, british petroleum, bp, south park porn, orgazmo, silly christmas letters.
Next I went to wordpress to see what it thought were the most popular search phrases. It agreed with godaddy.com in spirit, but also came up with:
playstation 4, dukes of hazzard, lord of the rings, UPS
So now I’m thinking– do I need to write in such a way to include more popular keywords? I made one casual reference to an “R” rated comedy about making a pornographic movie and it accounts for a lot of the traffic to my site.
Welcome to my first keyword centric blog entry:
Joss Weaton, creator of cult favorite “Firefly” and “Serenity”, and Nathan Fillion are sitting in a restaurant eating breakfast and filling out paperwork.
Nathan is concentrating on a paper, and finally looks up and asks Joss, “Does 17 feel lucky?”
Joss replies, “Stop asking me about the lottery numbers. I know that you said you wanted to win the lottery and buy the rights to Firefly, but I think we should focus on new ideas instead of living in the past.”“You are right, Joss. So what type of show should we create? How about a porno? You haven’t made one of those yet?
“I don’t know if I am up for making a porn flick. The lesbian plot line with Willow and Tara in Buffy was as far as I’ve ever gone down that road.”
Nathan thought about it for a minute and replied, “How about we make a funny porno movie? It could be centered around some unlikely celebrity, like, say, Rush Limbaugh. The main character could have an unexplained obsession with Rush Limbaugh’s wedding pictures. It could be a pornographic version of Saving Silverman. Or a political version of Orgazmo. Who wouldn’t want to see that?”
“I think you might have something there.” Joss replied. “But securing the rights could prove difficult. We would work for years and not see it in theaters until after the Lord of the Rings prequel movies get finished. If every other prequel movie is any indication, the Hobbit movies are going to be way better than the related movies.”
“How about we work in some video game tie-ins?” Nathan asked. “If we started now we could get a game released on the Playstation 4, Xbox 720, and Wii 2.”
“Way to think ahead, but I’m not sure how many people really want to see that man naked. How about a Dukes of Hazzard porn flick? That could be really funny.”
Nathan looks at his watch. ”Well, Joss, I love having these breakfast brainstorming sessions with you, but I have to go film another episode of Castle. And I need to get some gas on the way over.”
“Have fun on set. I think there is a British Petroleum station around the corner.”
“Wasn’t BP in the news lately?” Nathan asked.
“Yeah, something about some minor rule violations. Some people got all bent out of shape over it.” Joss answered.
Nathan turned back as he walked out the door. ”Don’t forget to call when Doctor Horrible’s Sing Along 2 is ready to shoot.”
- Blowing in the wind:
September 25, 2010
A recently completed offshore renewable energy facility has been put into service off the coast of Ramsgate in Kent, England. The turbines, which will generate enough electricity to power 200,000 homes, are poised to officially take over the record for largest wind farm– a record currently held by Taco Bell. - What’s Up?:
July 14, 2002
Qantas Airlines recently announced John Travolta will be flying his completely restored Boeing 707 around the world as part of the airline’s thirteen city “Spirit of Friendship” tour. While Mr. Travolta expects to be at the controls for the majority of the 65,000 kilometer tour, security and safety concerns require Mr. Kotter keep the remaining sweat hogs out of trouble and away from the cockpit for the duration of the flight.
- Military Operations:
September 20, 2002
When questioned on the situation in the Middle East, former Vice President Dan Quayle responded, “Don’t you mean IRAQUE?”
- Palin’s plan:


With all the competing operating systems floating around in the world, it is quite amazing that any productive uses have ever been found for modern-day computers. Imagine, for no particular reason, Bill Gates and Steve Jobs in a seedy downtown bar fighting it out during amateur mud wrestling night. Sure, it can be fun to watch, but when the match is over and the beer is digested very little gets resolved. All that remains is a mildly disturbing image of two pasty white computer geeks cleaning mud from their various nooks and crannies. Despite this divergence in technology, one concept has focused the computer industry on a common goal. No, it’s not the “We Are the World” charity album (which came in a distant second), but the ever present concept of the Internet.







