About Omar
Omar Lutfey has been running this website since 2000 (back when having your own website really meant something!). He is currently working as a delivery driver at United Parcel Service, promoting energy conservation on his website at BlackRemote.com, and trying to save the Boulder Kinetics race at BoulderKinetics.com.
Random Quips
- Raising Security:
September 15, 2002
Faced with shrinking profit margins, airlines in the United States are imposing new fees to help boost their bottom line. At various airports around the country, for example, passengers going through security can pay forty dollars to walk past Federal screeners and submit to an extensive “hand search” by perky eighteen year old women in Hooters outfits.
- In the Name of Security:
September 3, 2003
Microsoft Corporation warned on Wednesday that users of its Office software were at risk of having their computers taken over by an attacker unless they applied a patch to correct the problem. The attacker? Microsoft Corporation.
- If I Could Turn Back Time:
June 30, 2003
Hundreds of mourners passed through South Carolina’s Statehouse to pay their final respects to Strom Thurmond. Many people brought flowers and other items to leave by the coffin in a make-shift memorial. Trent Lott put all his future political ambitions down and quickly left the building.
- 2 cute:
January 28, 2010
The Learning Channel began airing the second season of “Toddlers & Tiaras” which documents young girls in highly competitive beauty contests. “Finally, a show that caters to our unique demographic!” proclaimed all the pedophiles.
- Supporting Children:
December 4, 2002
President Bush signed into law legislation to create a new kids-safe domain on the internet. The “.kids.us” domain will contain content acceptable for children under the age of 13. When the president signed the bill, he went on record saying, “I support this child net safety law– especially after I saw that musical fella dangling his kid off a balcony in Berlin. A safety net could have really helped that poor child.”
- Blow By Blow:
December 11, 2003
Pop singer Bobby Brown has been charged with battery after a weekend domestic dispute with his wife, singing star and actress Whitney Houston, left her with facial injuries. When questioned about the incident, Brown explained how the whole situation was just a simple misunderstanding. “All night long she just kept asking for a good smacking, but it turned out all she wanted was some more heroin.”
- Island Paradise:
July 11, 2003
An unidentified British financier recently spent $40 million for an apartment space facing Central Park in New York City. After the deal was finalized, the landlord warned the new tenant, “No loud music, no drugs, or I get you arrested and someone else gets your apartment.”
- Come on Homes:
May 2, 2010
I watched “Holmes on Homes” on HGTV last night. Mike Holmes travels to people’s houses to repair shady contractor projects gone awry. Now he can finally quit his part time job working security detail for that Dexy’s Midnight Runners tribute band. - Only the Good Die Young:
October 4, 2004
Music superstar Billy Joel married his 23-year-old fiancee Saturday in a small ceremony in Long Island, New York. When asked about the nature of their relationship, the young bride explained, “I have always respected and admired Billy’s musical abilities for as long as I can remeber. In fact, when I told my mother we were engaged she informed me that I was concived to ‘Piano Man.’ Now just how perfect is that?”
- Fries with that?:
December 16, 2002
Investors are not expecting good news when McDonald’s Corp. updates its earnings outlook on Tuesday. In an effort to increase profits, the world’s largest fast food establishment has announced plans to cut several high-profile employees and increase the number of items on the $1 value meal. Can anyone say “McGrimmace Burgers?”
- Free Bird:
November 22, 2005
President Bush pardoned two turkeys, Stars and Stripes, during the annual White House Thanksgiving tradition. When asked about the status of those who did not receive clemency and are still being held at undisclosed locations around the world, the President replied, “I want to be clear on this– we do not torture… Let’s just say they’ve been ‘tenderized.’ Heh heh heh. Yeah, that sounds much better.”
- Skyrocketing Ambitions:
July 23, 2005
The House Friday overwhelmingly endorsed President Bush’s vision to send man back to the lunar surface as it passed a bill to set NASA policy for the next two years. Speaking anonymously, one Democratic congressman commented, “Maybe, just maybe, things will get better down here if we let the President focus on invading the moon.”
- Minus J and K:
October 24, 2009
The bitter divorce proceedings of the Gosselin family, famous for their reality show “John and Kate Plus Eight,” continue to play out in the media tabloids. When asked for a comment on the situation, a high level employee of the network anonymously commented, “When divorce proceedings turn ugly like this the judicial system needs to focus on what is best for the children. We strongly believe sole custody should be given to the TLC network. I mean, come on, have you seen the parents lately? They have both gone bat-shit crazy. And this would fit nicely into our plan for our new reality show ‘Eight’.” - Hitting the Books:
April 12, 2005
Mike Tyson and Kevin McBride have announced plans for a June 11, 2005 boxing fight in Washington, D.C. Tyson, currently $30 million in debt, commented at the press conference, “after pulverizing this man I’ll have another win under my belt, more respect from the boxing community, and roughly $2 million more debt to add to my collection.”
- Free Passage:
December 12, 2004
McDonalds is spending $300,000 to fly Charlie Bell to Australlia in a special medically-equipped corporate jet. Bell, who recently resigned the top position at the golden arches, will return to his native country and continue his battle against colorectal cancer. In a similar gesture of medical goodwill, the world’s largest fast food franchise will soon distribute heart defibulators in upcoming adult happy meals.
- Raising Security:
Category Archives: My Skit Scripts
The B-Team
A woman drives up to a gas station, gets out of her car, and starts pumping gas. A ringing noise is heard coming from her pocket. She pulls out a cell phone and starts talking. “Hello? Yes. Yes. No. That’s … Continue reading
I could write for Robot Chicken too!
I’m a big fan of Robot Chicken on the Cartoon Network. It combines stop motion animation with CGI to create short (sometimes just a few seconds) sketch comedy. Here are two ideas for very short skits: A courtroom setting. An … Continue reading
The Dukes of Hazzard
Boss Hogg, after having finished an absurdly large lunch in the back room of the Boar’s Nest, looks out the window at Bo and Luke Duke in the General Lee doing doughnuts in the parking lot before driving away. “Those … Continue reading
A Word From Our Sponsors
No, newfunny.com doesn’t have any sponsors. Not that I would mind someone giving me money for something that I’m already doing for free. “A Word From Our Sponsors” is my idea for another television reality show. I’ve worked for UPS … Continue reading
Two Upcoming Obama Campaign Ads
Campaign Ad #1 The entire ad is shown in the form of dated black and white film. The scene fades in showing an elaborate 1950′s ball A full sized orchestra is playing Glenn Miller’s “Moonlight Serenade.” All the men are … Continue reading
UPS Super Bowl Commercial
Sunday early morning local news program. The stadium crew is busy setting up chairs in the middle of Investco Field. News anchor: … and preparations are underway for what is expected to be largest single event at Investco Field… (Quick … Continue reading
IGF 3000
Announcer: Do you have a girlfriend? [Shots of three different guys nodding] Announcer: Is she perfect for you? [First guy nods, and the other two shake their heads] Announcer: Is she inflatable? [First two guys look offended, the third one … Continue reading
Lord of the Rings– Alternate Ending
Gandolf, having just said goodbye to Bilbo Baggins, is sitting by the fire contemplating his next move. Frodo comes in the front door, picks up the ring from the floor and walks over to Gandolf. The wizard looks at the … Continue reading
Envigoral Infomercial
Woman: Look at yourself right now. Do you feel tired, depressed, and lethargic? Do you think you deserve more than life has given you? Do you find yourself susceptible to high pressure infomercials? If you answered “yes” or “no” to … Continue reading
The Real World: The Next Generation
Commander Data and Captain Jean-Luc Picard are sitting in the Enterprise ready room. Commander Data comments, “I find this mission to be highly illogical, Captain.” Captain Picard replies, “Yes, I know, but we have no choice but to go through … Continue reading
The Silver Screams
Welcome to the first debate for the 2004 Presidential Election here on the Fox News Network. We have with us, from the Republican side, current President George “Dubya” Bush. Representing the Democrats tonight is Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman. In order … Continue reading
This Old Crack House
Good afternoon everyone. We are on location in Detroit, Michigan to kick off our latest project. But before we start out, I need to explain to our viewers at home why this is going to be one of the most … Continue reading
Iron Chef: Amsterdam
Announcer: Welcome to the premiere of Traveling Iron Chef. While Chiarman Kaga Takeshi’s “Kitchen Stadium” vision remains a fixture of Japanese culture, he recently gave a direct order to his younger brother, Lou. Instead of bumming around Kaga’s apartment watching … Continue reading
Conservative Weather Channel
(Fade in to Jerry Falwell rhythmically tapping a pencil on the desk) Falwell: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the premiere of the Conservative Weather Channel. My name is Jerry Falwell and I’m here today with my co-host … Continue reading
The Internet Cafe
The scene opens with a wide shot of an average-looking bar. A dozen or so people are sitting around talking. A very typical bar scene. Two guys walk through the bar. They are wearing nice pants, dress shirts, and ties. … Continue reading
Gods Playing Poker
Close up of finger pressing doorbell. Doorbell rings. Door opens. The view is of the closed door from the outside. Thor is inside and opens the door. Thor: Jesus Christ! You decided to come after all! The view changes to … Continue reading
Eight: Moderately Annoying Sins
I sat down on my couch the other day wanting to avoid reality for an hour or two and escape all the senseless, random violence in the world. When I turned on my television set the movie “Seven” was just … Continue reading