About Omar
Omar Lutfey has been running this website since 2000 (back when having your own website really meant something!). He is currently working as a delivery driver at United Parcel Service, promoting energy conservation on his website at BlackRemote.com, and trying to save the Boulder Kinetics race at BoulderKinetics.com.
Random Quips
- Good Oil Boys:
March 29, 2009
The Army Corps of Engineers today released details regarding a controversial plan to rebuild Iraq’s oilfields once the military campaign has ended. While some members of Congress are questioning the ethics of awarding a seven billion dollar contract without competitive bidding to a company once run by Vice President Dick Chaney, the Bush administration replied, “What, did you just meet us?”
- Breaking the Law:
May 15, 2003
Officials in China are responding to the SARS epidemic by threatening possible execution for individuals who do not comply with quarantines and other travel restrictions. One high-ranking Texan Republican commented, “Boy, I wish we could do something like that to the Democrats right about now.”
- Rush to Judgment:
July 17, 2010
Rush Limbaugh on his plans if the new United States health care program is implemented:Look here folks, all I’m saying is that if Obamacare gets implemented and all the sick people are rounded up, transported in military vehicles to various community swimming pools, stripped naked, and finally, after a five day wait, diagnosed by underage illegal immigrant veterinary students, then, yes, I’ll go to Costa Rica for any of my future medical care needs. And this has nothing– and let me be very clear on this matter– nothing to do with their clean, safe, and most importantly, no identification required Oxytocin bulk bin stores.
- Wall Eyed:
October 20, 2003
China’s first man in space said the Earth looked beautiful from his orbiting capsule but he couldn’t find the Great Wall. “I tried to see it,” Yang Liwei told reporters, “but when I booked the flight I could only get an aisle seat. The gentleman next to the window closed the blind so he could take a nap.”
- Build a Boat:
September 19, 2009
OK, brace yourself for this one– I considered making this a “6 straight jacket” project, but I figured that would just put me on a slippery slope because I would then be tempted to crank it up to “11.” The Foothills Mall in Fort Collins, Colorado, is a fairly typical indoor mall in decline. In recent years it has lost two of the four anchors, and the smaller stores have a vacancy rate of around 30% with more stores leaving at a faster rate than new ones are coming. Located in the center of Fort Collins, this piece of real estate is a prime candidate for redevelopment. But what to build? A large new commercial development on the south side of town has brought in many of the stores that would otherwise be interested in overhauling the Foothills Mall.An interesting fact about Fort Collins is it’s close proximity to the Continental Pole of Inaccessibility in North America. Stay with me, I’m going somewhere with this. First of all, you are probably thinking, “WTF is the Continental Pole of Inaccessibility in North America?” It is the location in North America farthest from any of the oceans, and technically it is located in the far southwest corner of South Dakota. Fort Collins is arguably the closest major town to this point. Sorry Cheyenne, I don’t consider you a major town. Don’t take it personally.
So what, right? Well, anyone who is interested in going on a cruise in Fort Collins has a long way to go before they take their first step on a boat. This can be quite a deterrent for many people when making vacation plans. The latest cruise ships have so many attractions aboard they have literally become a destination in themselves. This kind of brings up the question, “If there is so much to do on the ship, does it need to go anywhere for people to have a good time?” And if the answer to that question is NO, then the next question becomes, “Why don’t we just start building the ships on land and save the costs of making it float, driving it around all over the place, and cleaning barnacles off the hull every few weeks?” So let’s build a luxury cruise ship right on top of the Foothills Mall. Sears and Macy’s can stay where they are now (being anchors and all), but everything in between will look and feel exactly like a luxury cruise ship. The first floor would be rebuilt as a traditional mall that is open to the general public. The upper floors would be accessible only to the people who have booked a cruise. The entire experience of being on a luxury cruise ship would be duplicated– from the compact sleeping arrangements to the elaborate dining halls to the continuous party atmosphere. And being the first land based cruise ship, people from all over the country would travel to Fort Collins to experience the novel type of vacation.
I see this as a win-win-win situation. The city gets a ton of new construction and service jobs, the cruise ship company that builds it gets to show off their fleet to a whole new demographic, and the mall gets a face lift. I’m sure there will be some issues getting permits, financing, and few random people saying, “Let’s just do exactly the same thing we’ve been doing for the last ten years and just hope, for reasons that are not clearly evident, the mall and the surrounding area will suddenly recover through our blindly loyal inaction,” but the everyone else can rally around the new slogan I just thought of: “Let’s Get Our Ship Together!”
- Cleaning Up:
September 20, 2002
Accused of looting hundreds of millions of dollars from Tyco International, former CEO Dennis Kozlowski now faces federal charges of corruption, conspiracy, and grand larceny. One of the prosecuting attorneys in the case went on record saying, “Six thousand dollars for a shower curtain! What does he think this is, the military?”
- Only the Good Die Young:
October 4, 2004
Music superstar Billy Joel married his 23-year-old fiancee Saturday in a small ceremony in Long Island, New York. When asked about the nature of their relationship, the young bride explained, “I have always respected and admired Billy’s musical abilities for as long as I can remeber. In fact, when I told my mother we were engaged she informed me that I was concived to ‘Piano Man.’ Now just how perfect is that?”
- If I Could Turn Back Time:
June 30, 2003
Hundreds of mourners passed through South Carolina’s Statehouse to pay their final respects to Strom Thurmond. Many people brought flowers and other items to leave by the coffin in a make-shift memorial. Trent Lott put all his future political ambitions down and quickly left the building.
- Putting a lid on it:
October 31, 2009
“Jon and Kate Plus Eight” celebrity Jon Gosselin has reportedly turned to Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, well known as a spiritual adviser to Michael Jackson, for religious counseling. The Rabbi released the following statement to the press, “Jon is aware that his recent behavior has been creating a negative image in the media. He hopes that through a renewed religious commitment he can forge a more positive path for himself and his family. Also, he discovered that wearing a Yarmulke covers up his growing bald spot.” - In International News:
October 16, 2002
Archaeologists in London have recently unearthed the oldest known plaque with the city’s name. The Italian marble sign, which dates to 50-150 A.D., is dedicated to Roman emperors and was discovered in an area that will eventually be covered up by a housing development. In addition to the impressive age and condition, researchers also report the plaque as the first to instruct drivers to stay on the left side of the street.
- Hot Potato:
September 29, 2003
A 6-foot tall, 150-pound Mr. Potato Head statue once used by the Rhode Island Tourism Division was stolen Friday from the driveway of a private home in Newport, Rhode Island. After hearing the news, the search for a 6-foot tall letter “E” was initiated by former Vice President Dan Quayle.
- Tex-Ass Rangers:
June 26, 2003
The U.S. Supreme Court declared unconstitutional a Texas “homosexual conduct” law which imposes a $500 fine for same-sex couples who engage in oral and anal sex. When asked about President Bush’s views on the matter, soon-to-be ex-White House Spokesman Ari Fleischer commented, “The President is actually quite pleased with this decision. Now nobody on Capitol Hill can complain after the next election when all those Democrats in Congress take it up the ass.”
- Raising Security:
September 15, 2002
Faced with shrinking profit margins, airlines in the United States are imposing new fees to help boost their bottom line. At various airports around the country, for example, passengers going through security can pay forty dollars to walk past Federal screeners and submit to an extensive “hand search” by perky eighteen year old women in Hooters outfits.
- Keeping a Stiff Upper Lip:
February 13, 2003
Massachusetts Senator and potential President candidate John Kerry recently underwent surgery at John Hopkins Hospital to remove a cancerous prostate. One of the doctors involved provided an assessment of the situation. “The cancer was caught in an early stage, but the procedure is not without risk. The slightest mistake could leave the Senator as impotent as the rest of the Democratic party.”
- Pie in the Sky:
May 12, 2004
In light of the recent Space Shuttle disaster, officials at NASA are considering sending an unmanned robot into space to perform maintenance on the fourteen year old Hubble Telescope. “The idea came to us,” one project manager reported, “after the local Chuck E Cheese closed down and the entire animatronic Pizza Time Band became unemployed.”
- Good Oil Boys:
Category Archives: Rampant Idealism
Dish it up!
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Traffic Jams
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Shell Games
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Another dot com
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Thoughts on the Competition
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Easter Time
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Men and Women
I decided to spend some time talking about what I think is a very important problem in the world today. I’m sure a lot of people think this means more Laser Tag, evil alien overlords, or the decline of fondue. … Continue reading
Do Pennies Make Our Lives Better?
Until last week I considered myself neutral on the entire penny issue. A recently published report sponsored by Americans for Common Cents (a pro-penny group backed by zinc companies) documents the effects if the Federal government were to take pennies … Continue reading
