About Omar
Omar Lutfey has been running this website since 2000 (back when having your own website really meant something!). He is currently working as a delivery driver at United Parcel Service, promoting energy conservation on his website at BlackRemote.com, and trying to save the Boulder Kinetics race at BoulderKinetics.com.
Random Quips
- Spring Time:
August 29, 2009
Katherine and I took a short road trip to Saratoga Springs, Wyoming in August just to get away for a few days. About three hours drive from Loveland, Colorado, this town consisted of some hot springs, two gas stations, a handful of hotels, and a few hundred people who seemed to have taken up residence here for their own personal reasons. We booked a room at the hotel which included access to several hot tubs and a large pool filled with mineral water. Some of the hot tubs were mostly covered with teepee-like structures that gave a large amount of privacy, just in case, say, you and your partner needed some alone time to, oh, review old tax returns or exchange highly sensitive military intelligence.The hotel room had its own share of peculiarities. In addition to the queen sized bed, much of the room was occupied by a large rustic looking armoire. I’m not sure if it was real rustic or fake rustic– around here it could go either way. Inside the armoire is a very medium sized television set. A shelf above the television is a shelf bowing under the weight of a large VCR with, if carbon dated, would probably be traced backed to the early 1980s. I can’t remember ever having been in a hotel room with a VCR. We got all the standard cable channels, some better than others– perhaps a sign of a few too many sets connected to the cable feed. All the network channels were based in Denver, which kind of negated the feeling that we were out in the middle of nowhere. Or at least as much of nowhere that is left these days. Come to think about it, we did pass a large Walmart distribution center about 60 miles from town, so somewhere is getting closer all the time.
The only other notable attribute of the hotel was the high pressure nozzle on the shower. This device literally separates the water molecules into individual atoms before shooting them out at a velocity approaching the speed of light. This causes the water to assume wavelike properties and travel straight through my body, the tub, the subfloor, and so on until it slows down somewhere, I suspect, near the molten core of the planet.
While somewhat limited in our dining choices, we found a rather small-townsy type place that served a small selection of breakfast options. We must have come during the morning rush, because the one waiter was overwhelmed trying to take care of everyone. When the shelf of clean coffee mugs became empty, one of the customers cleaned up a few tables, took everything into the kitchen, and came back out in a few minutes with a dozen clean mugs. That’s what I like about visiting small towns– well, that and we didn’t see a single mugging or car-jacking.
- Pound For Pound:
January 5, 2008
Oklahoma City Mayor Mick Cornett recently challenged it’s citizens to collectively lose one million pounds through change in diet and exercise after being ranked in the top 10 of America’s Fattest Cities. After hearing the news, the two half million pound men in the front row looked at each other and asked, “That’s all great and all, but what can WE do to make things better?”
- World Peace:
November 22, 2002
Intense riots in Kaduna, Nigeria were sparked by a local newspaper article regarding the upcoming Miss World pageant. The front-page article claimed that if he was alive today, the Islamic prophet Mohamed probably would have chosen a wife from among the contestants. The developing African country won the right to host the competition last year when Miss Nigeria was crowned Miss World 2001. When asked about the situation, the current Miss Nigeria commented, “I’m pretty sure I’m not going to win this year.”
- If I Could Turn Back Time:
June 30, 2003
Hundreds of mourners passed through South Carolina’s Statehouse to pay their final respects to Strom Thurmond. Many people brought flowers and other items to leave by the coffin in a make-shift memorial. Trent Lott put all his future political ambitions down and quickly left the building.
- Pie in the Sky:
May 12, 2004
In light of the recent Space Shuttle disaster, officials at NASA are considering sending an unmanned robot into space to perform maintenance on the fourteen year old Hubble Telescope. “The idea came to us,” one project manager reported, “after the local Chuck E Cheese closed down and the entire animatronic Pizza Time Band became unemployed.”
- Flights of Fancy:
August 13, 2003
The Hong Kong based Blue Box Toys company announced plans to distribute a one-foot-tall GI Joe doll of the president called “Elite Force Aviator: George W. Bush– U.S. President and Naval Aviator.” A spokesperson for the company commented, “We are excited to release this new doll, especially after the marketing department killed plans for a ‘National Guard Deserter– you can’t spell AWOL without a Dubya’ childrens toy.”
- AT&T drops Tiger, NYC:
December 31, 2009
Telecommunication giant AT&T recently announced plans to drop sponsorship of Tiger Woods due to his indefinite break from professional golf and infidelity issues. AT&T has also recently stopped selling certain phones in New York City for unknown reasons. This has led Tiger and NYC to become friends on facebook and send each other messages about how AT&T is little more than a no-talent ass clown and they could both do better.
- That is correct, your Honor:
April 15, 2003
Former “Tonight Show” sidekick Ed McMahon has been pursuing legal action against multiple defendants because of toxic mold that allegedly sickened his family and made his Beverly Hills mansion unlivable. The insurance companies and cleanup contractors received identical letters stating, “Congratulations! I may already be a winner– I’m suing you!”
- Nights at the Round Table:
October 30, 2003
North Korea has agreed, in principle, to six-way talks addressing Pyongyang’s controversial nuclear program. The complex agreement will bring North Korea, South Korea, China, Japan, Russia, and the United States together in an attempt to resolve the situation. While the details of the negotiations have not been finalized, it is widely believed the meeting will culminate in a no-holds-barred, winner-takes-all game of Chinese checkers.
- In Political News:
April 4, 2009
Speaking at the foot of Mount Rushmore, President Bush took time out of his four-week working vacation to criticize congress on the issue of Homeland Security. “The Democrats in the Senate are intentionally limiting… [LOOKS AT TV MONITOR] Whoa, hey, look at this– my head is the same size as those up on the side of the mountain! [LOOKS UP AT MOUNTAIN] But my head is smaller, and they are made out of rocks! Get Cheney over here– he has to see this… I don’t care, get him out of the bunker. He has to see this.”
- Axis of Annoyance:
December 16, 2002
Axis of Annoyance
December 16, 2002 Omar LutfeyThe latest James Bond film, “Die Another Day,” has received sharp criticism from North Korea. In one scene, Bond drives a hovercraft into the country before he is captured and tortured. After watching the movie, one North Korean official commented, “We don’t like to watch these negative images of our great country as we shamelessly copy DVD.”
- In the dog house:
June 4, 2003
In her new book, Hillary Rodham Clinton says her husband’s relationship with Monica Lewinsky caused so much pain that, at one point, Buddy the dog was the only member of the family willing to keep President Clinton company. “I’m really not too surprised,” she explained, “since they both just wanted to have their way with whatever submissive bitch was in the vicinity at the moment.”
- In International News:
October 16, 2002
Archaeologists in London have recently unearthed the oldest known plaque with the city’s name. The Italian marble sign, which dates to 50-150 A.D., is dedicated to Roman emperors and was discovered in an area that will eventually be covered up by a housing development. In addition to the impressive age and condition, researchers also report the plaque as the first to instruct drivers to stay on the left side of the street.
- Adding Fuel to the Fire:
February 6, 2003
After finishing his State of the Union speech, the President took a moment to respond to concerns regarding the nation’s policy towards North Korea. “We can launch an attack the minute we finish building that battalion of hydrogen-powered armored vehicles.”
- Bursting at the seams:
November 7, 2002
Actor and director Kevin Costner recently underwent surgery to remove his appendix. In addition to being inflamed and irritated, the organ in question cited “artistic and personal differences” when it formally requested to be removed from Mr. Costner’s abdominal cavity.
- Spring Time:
Category Archives: Random Events
Escher Lizards
Katherine and I finally finished our project to cover our walls with lizards. After trying unsuccessfully with real ones, we decided to switch to outlining them with different colored paint. Why go through all the trouble? That’s a good question. … Continue reading
Why I want my own route
Here are the exact directions (meaning I’m not making any of this up) to 4580 County Road 68, Wellington, Colorado: Go north on I-25 and get off at the Wellington exit. Head north on the east side frontage road until … Continue reading
Tuesday Morning
A chain store called “Tuesday Morning” opened up a year or so ago in Loveland, Colorado. I keep wondering how they came up with the name. To the best of my knowledge, they sell a variety of overstocked gift type … Continue reading
Getting Published
I was sitting in Good Times taking my break from being a UPS driver and all, and I found a very inexpensive way to entertain myself for a few minutes before it was time to get back to work. I … Continue reading
Rest room question
I realized something while eating lunch as Wok ‘n Roll this afternoon. After drinking 3 large Diet Pepsi’s I had to answer the call of nature. I was forced to put the call on hold, however, when the door to … Continue reading
Lisa Loeb
There aren’t too many famous people I would want to meet in person, but I thought I would keep track of who I would like to meet for lunch. Lisa Loeb: OK, she is rather pleasing to the eye (or … Continue reading
License Plate
OK, so I’m driving around in a UPS truck this afternoon and I saw the following personalized license plate without any spaces in between the letters: BIGAL I guess the meaning really depends on where you put the space.
Travel Guide: Estes Park
Welcome to the first installment of the newfunny travel guide. After an exhaustive planning session, I have decided to focus this series on various geographic areas in Colorado. Being that I’ve lived in the state since I was three, I … Continue reading
Newfunny Consulting, LLC
Since my pursuit of a traditional computer geek job has been about as successful as Paula Jones’ television boxing career, I’ve decided to expand my horizons and offer my creative talents to one of my favorite things in the world. … Continue reading
Women Are Strange
Many great philosophers have tried to isolate exactly what separates human kind from the rest of the animal kingdom. As a species human beings are not the fastest creatures, we do not have the most strength, and when it comes … Continue reading
To tell the truth
People who read the stories on my web site often times ask if I tell the truth when I write. What seems like a simple and fair question on the surface can easily turn into a nebulous concept where the … Continue reading
Me– Being productive?
As I was randomly looking through some of my previous stories on this web site the other day, I noticed a disturbing trend about how my life gets represented. To someone who doesn’t know me any better I might come … Continue reading
You Know You Are An Insomniac If
After witnessing the popularity of recent book titles such as “You Might Be a Redneck If…”, “You Might Be Rush Limbaugh If…” and “You Are Most Likely Stuck In Someone Else’s Trunk If…” I decided the time has come to … Continue reading
Ode to Mr. Squishy Ball
Being a comedy writer is not always easy. Being a comedy writer that nobody has ever heard of doesn’t make the situation any better. Or at least I suspect this is the case. I’m sure all writers have to deal … Continue reading
The Real Santa Claus
Even with the help of my overactive imagination, I could not have even remotely predicted what was going to happen to me one Saturday night last December. Sitting on Santa’s lap, even as at the age of twenty-seven, is not … Continue reading
Twelve Steps to Becoming a Lounge Singer
A few weeks ago I finished a story about my goal in life of becoming a lounge singer. I sat down, progressed through the normal process of putting my thoughts into words, and finally published the story on the web … Continue reading
Thoughts on Star Trek: Voyager
With the exception of Dick Clark helping America ring in each new year, all good things must come to an end. The “Star Trek: Voyager” series is no exception to this rule. You may love it, you may hate it, … Continue reading
Xmas Party Story
If you happen to be familiar with my annual Christmas letter you may be scratching your head thinking, “But Omar, it’s not anywhere near the end of the year– how can you already be posting your Christmas letter?” I decided … Continue reading
