About Omar
Omar Lutfey has been running this website since 2000 (back when having your own website really meant something!). He is currently working as a delivery driver at United Parcel Service, promoting energy conservation on his website at BlackRemote.com, and trying to save the Boulder Kinetics race at BoulderKinetics.com.
Random Quips
- A Sure Thing:
November 12, 2002
An offshore gaming company recently stopped taking bets on the final outcome of ABC’s “The Bachelor.” Since taping the final episode, a highly disproportionate number of bets were placed for one of the two remaining candidates– leading officials to suspect the outcome of the show was leaked to the public. As a result, the company is also no longer accepting bets for previous lottery numbers, WWF Smackdowns, or the results of the 2002 midterm elections.
- In Military News:
September 26, 2002
President Bush became upset with Germany this week for refusing to support the United States regarding military action against Iraq. Many Democrats in the Senate responded to the incident by stating, “You know your battle plan sucks, Mr. President, when even Germany turns down your invitation to start a war.”
- Flights of Fancy:
August 13, 2003
The Hong Kong based Blue Box Toys company announced plans to distribute a one-foot-tall GI Joe doll of the president called “Elite Force Aviator: George W. Bush– U.S. President and Naval Aviator.” A spokesperson for the company commented, “We are excited to release this new doll, especially after the marketing department killed plans for a ‘National Guard Deserter– you can’t spell AWOL without a Dubya’ childrens toy.”
- Build a Boat:
September 19, 2009
OK, brace yourself for this one– I considered making this a “6 straight jacket” project, but I figured that would just put me on a slippery slope because I would then be tempted to crank it up to “11.” The Foothills Mall in Fort Collins, Colorado, is a fairly typical indoor mall in decline. In recent years it has lost two of the four anchors, and the smaller stores have a vacancy rate of around 30% with more stores leaving at a faster rate than new ones are coming. Located in the center of Fort Collins, this piece of real estate is a prime candidate for redevelopment. But what to build? A large new commercial development on the south side of town has brought in many of the stores that would otherwise be interested in overhauling the Foothills Mall.An interesting fact about Fort Collins is it’s close proximity to the Continental Pole of Inaccessibility in North America. Stay with me, I’m going somewhere with this. First of all, you are probably thinking, “WTF is the Continental Pole of Inaccessibility in North America?” It is the location in North America farthest from any of the oceans, and technically it is located in the far southwest corner of South Dakota. Fort Collins is arguably the closest major town to this point. Sorry Cheyenne, I don’t consider you a major town. Don’t take it personally.
So what, right? Well, anyone who is interested in going on a cruise in Fort Collins has a long way to go before they take their first step on a boat. This can be quite a deterrent for many people when making vacation plans. The latest cruise ships have so many attractions aboard they have literally become a destination in themselves. This kind of brings up the question, “If there is so much to do on the ship, does it need to go anywhere for people to have a good time?” And if the answer to that question is NO, then the next question becomes, “Why don’t we just start building the ships on land and save the costs of making it float, driving it around all over the place, and cleaning barnacles off the hull every few weeks?” So let’s build a luxury cruise ship right on top of the Foothills Mall. Sears and Macy’s can stay where they are now (being anchors and all), but everything in between will look and feel exactly like a luxury cruise ship. The first floor would be rebuilt as a traditional mall that is open to the general public. The upper floors would be accessible only to the people who have booked a cruise. The entire experience of being on a luxury cruise ship would be duplicated– from the compact sleeping arrangements to the elaborate dining halls to the continuous party atmosphere. And being the first land based cruise ship, people from all over the country would travel to Fort Collins to experience the novel type of vacation.
I see this as a win-win-win situation. The city gets a ton of new construction and service jobs, the cruise ship company that builds it gets to show off their fleet to a whole new demographic, and the mall gets a face lift. I’m sure there will be some issues getting permits, financing, and few random people saying, “Let’s just do exactly the same thing we’ve been doing for the last ten years and just hope, for reasons that are not clearly evident, the mall and the surrounding area will suddenly recover through our blindly loyal inaction,” but the everyone else can rally around the new slogan I just thought of: “Let’s Get Our Ship Together!”
- Three Strikes:
February 6, 2003
In a recent interview, Ben Affleck dismissed rumors that he plans to marry Jennifer Lopez on Valentine’s Day. When asked if he ever had a fling with Britney Spears, Affleck again said it wasn’t true. He proceeded to ask the pop princess’s age and then mouthed the words “call me” as he made a telephone gesture with his thumb and pinky.
- Hitting the Books:
April 12, 2005
Mike Tyson and Kevin McBride have announced plans for a June 11, 2005 boxing fight in Washington, D.C. Tyson, currently $30 million in debt, commented at the press conference, “after pulverizing this man I’ll have another win under my belt, more respect from the boxing community, and roughly $2 million more debt to add to my collection.”
- Rush to Judgment:
July 17, 2010
Rush Limbaugh on his plans if the new United States health care program is implemented:Look here folks, all I’m saying is that if Obamacare gets implemented and all the sick people are rounded up, transported in military vehicles to various community swimming pools, stripped naked, and finally, after a five day wait, diagnosed by underage illegal immigrant veterinary students, then, yes, I’ll go to Costa Rica for any of my future medical care needs. And this has nothing– and let me be very clear on this matter– nothing to do with their clean, safe, and most importantly, no identification required Oxytocin bulk bin stores.
- In Medical News:
October 4, 2002
A report issued by the British Medical Journal casts doubts on the effectiveness of providing men with annual prostate exams. Prostate cancer can be slow growing and may never actually threaten the patient’s life. While less than one percent of the individuals in the study benefited from the exam, ten percent of the men considered the experience “enjoyable.”
- Raising Security:
September 15, 2002
Faced with shrinking profit margins, airlines in the United States are imposing new fees to help boost their bottom line. At various airports around the country, for example, passengers going through security can pay forty dollars to walk past Federal screeners and submit to an extensive “hand search” by perky eighteen year old women in Hooters outfits.
- Music Notes:
December 16, 2002
Singer David Lee Roth is suing his former Van Halen band mates. The suit alleges members of the band robbed him of royalty money through a 1996 contract with Warner Bros. When asked about the legal proceedings, Roth said, “Woooo! I’m back in the spotlight, and ready to ROCK!!!”
- The Zero Effect:
October 21, 2002
A White House spokesman stated Monday that the United States will insist on a “zero tolerance” policy regarding weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. To put this in perspective, the Bush administration assigned Iran and North Korea, the remaining two-thirds of the “Axis of Evil,” tolerance levels of five and eleven.
- Undertaking In Iraq:
July 1, 2003
President Bush recently declared that rebuilding Iraq will be a “massive and long-term undertaking.” The White House Press Secretary elaborated, “To put this in perspective, it is way more important than rebuilding our nation’s economy, but slightly less important than rebuilding the President’s re-election war chest.”
- Come on Homes:
May 2, 2010
I watched “Holmes on Homes” on HGTV last night. Mike Holmes travels to people’s houses to repair shady contractor projects gone awry. Now he can finally quit his part time job working security detail for that Dexy’s Midnight Runners tribute band. - DVD Lo Down:
August 14, 2003
Forty-two million pirated CDs and DVDs were destroyed in Beijing as Chinese authorities demonstrated their commitment to enforce international copywright laws. One movie executive in the United States commented, “While this is a step in the right direction, a closer examination of the situation showed an overwhelming majority of the pirated material was the movie ‘Gigli’ starring Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. I mean, really, who was going to watch that anyway?”
- Office Aids:
November 12, 2002
Bill Gates recently announced two large monetary investments in India. The founder of Microsoft is donating $100 million to fight AIDS and investing another $400 million to promote Microsoft products in the developing nation. Critics point out this action will do little more than eliminate one virus and replace it with another.
- A Sure Thing:
Category Archives: Places I’ve Been
Spring Time
Katherine and I took a short road trip to Saratoga Springs, Wyoming in August just to get away for a few days. About three hours drive from Loveland, Colorado, this town consisted of some hot springs, two gas stations, a … Continue reading
Escape to New York
Central Park to the north, and Times Square to the south– we had plenty of areas to explore. My first impression of Times Square: this is not the bisexual prostitute cowboy part of town I saw in that John Voight film. Continue reading
Home Sweet Home
Have you ever had one of those days when you come home from the movies on a Sunday evening only to have your longtime friend/roommate/landlord tell you that he is moving in with his girlfriend to a brand new place … Continue reading
Turning 30
For the first seven or eight years I knew my friend Brian, he kept telling me the word sopapilla meant “soup thief” in Spanish. Since my entire south-of-the-border language exposure took place at numerous Taco Bell drive-throughs in the Denver … Continue reading
One Ecstatic Birthday
While being completely organized has never been one of my strong points, I have yet to forget my girlfriend Kristin’s birthday. One reason for my impressive track record in this area is the fact that we have only been dating … Continue reading
Heading Out to San Francisco
For one reason or another, my family isn’t very big on Christmas tradition. We don’t cut down live trees. We don’t prepare an elaborate turkey dinner for Christmas. Heck, we have yet to construct a family coat of arms. This … Continue reading
Handicapped
The world in which we live is far from perfect. The English and Metric systems of measurements are still fighting it out, the Republican party completely pummeled the Democrats in recent mid-term elections, and the soda I just opened exploded … Continue reading
Working Man
I must start out here by admitting that, by any objective measurement, when it comes to being a productive member of society, I haven’t been “giving it my all.” First off, I’m not exactly sure how to calculate “my all.” … Continue reading
Dog Park
After watching Kristin’s dog for a week, I have come to the conclusion that two dogs are better than one. Many great comedy legends have come in pairs such as Cheech and Chong, Penn and Teller, and Warren Beatty and … Continue reading
Hair Daze
The other day I woke up, looked at myself in the mirror, and said to myself, “Is this going to be yet another bad hair day?” On a more typical day I would have simply gotten my hair wet and … Continue reading
The Dog Days of Summer
Every now and then I wonder what my life would be life would be like if I got married and had a couple of kids. The only thing I know for sure is my television viewing habits would not change … Continue reading
Divide and Conquer
I was planning on writing about the town of Divide, Colorado on my recent trip to eat dinner with Kristin and her mother, but that was before I discovered the size of the town. Located a bit west of Colorado … Continue reading
The New Kid In Town
Now that I’ve lived in Loveland for a month, I feel a much stronger connection with the town. To be honest, when I first moved in, I knew little more than the two main streets in the area. Depending on … Continue reading
Getting Dumped
After moving all my belongings to Loveland, I started the whole process of getting settled into my new surroundings. It was at this point in time I really became jealous of Scott’s dog. When Henry moves somewhere his entire settling … Continue reading
Moving Excitement
Goodbye Boulder, hello Loveland. Well, that sums up what I have been up to over the past week or so. For various reasons, I decided to move out of my apartment in Boulder and into a house in Loveland. The … Continue reading
Olympic Adventures: Part 2
Throughout the journey I could not keep myself from thinking how very odd it was that Kristin kept several restaurant quality meat cleavers in the sun visor of her automobile. Comments such as “you have no idea how badly I … Continue reading
Olympic Adventures: Part 1
Given certain lighting conditions I can appear to be a very busy man. The rest of the time the truth of my productivity is quite obvious. Yes, I’m part of the population who gives late night infomercials about space aged … Continue reading
Annoying Janet
This week Brian’s girlfriend Janet got added to the “People I Annoy” list. Having known each other for a couple of years now, Janet and I get along reasonably well. She has yet to invite me over to a slumber … Continue reading
Trip To Pennsylvania
They say getting there is half the fun. While I am not sure exactly how that phrase came into existence, I seriously doubt it applies to excursions involving airline travel. If it does, however, I can only expect to enjoy … Continue reading
Weirdos in Town
I truly believe that people, organizations, and entire nations expose the true content of their character when cruelty and misfortune test the limits of human endurance. When the fringe elements of a culture force their views on the rest of … Continue reading
