About Omar
Omar Lutfey has been running this website since 2000 (back when having your own website really meant something!). He is currently working as a delivery driver at United Parcel Service, promoting energy conservation on his website at BlackRemote.com, and trying to save the Boulder Kinetics race at BoulderKinetics.com.
Random Quips
- High Hopes:
July 15, 2004
Three University of Cincinnati have spent the past two years designing and building a rocket that, with the help of NASA, will be launched over the Atlantic and is designed to reach and altitude of 30,000 feet. When asked about the amount of effort needed to complete the project, one of the students replied, “Sure, we put in some long nights, but it was an attainable goal– not like brain surgery.”
- Making a difference:
December 12, 2002
Republican Senator Trent Lott apologized once again for a recent comment made regarding Strom Thurmond’s 1948 presidential campaign based on a segregationist platform. Meanwhile, democrats have officially adopted an “anti-dixiecrat Lott-bashing” platform for the 2004 elections.
- Sub standards:
August 18, 2005
The crew of the trapped Russian mini-submarine are back in port after their three day ordeal. An English submarine came to the rescue after the Russian sub got tangled up in wires at the bottom of the Pacific. Faced with dwindling oxygen supplies, the trapped crew quickly realized that someone violated standard protocol and entered the vessel soon after eating several Taco Bell bean burritos.
- In the dog house:
June 4, 2003
In her new book, Hillary Rodham Clinton says her husband’s relationship with Monica Lewinsky caused so much pain that, at one point, Buddy the dog was the only member of the family willing to keep President Clinton company. “I’m really not too surprised,” she explained, “since they both just wanted to have their way with whatever submissive bitch was in the vicinity at the moment.”
- S & Men:
May 30, 2010
“Sex and the City 2″ earned $32.1 million dollars over the three day memorial day weekend. Reports show 90% of the audience were women and the rest were men hoping to get some.
- Use Your Illusions:
June 5, 2003
Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer sent a memo out to all his employees critical of open source software and the companies who support it. “Complicating the situation are companies, like IBM, whose support of Linux has added an illusion of support and accountability.” The memo went on to say, “This, obviously, is in direct conflict with Microsoft’s illusion of support and accountability.”
- One Large French Fry:
August 14, 2003
The continuing heat wave in Europe has reportedly led to 3,000 deaths in France. While neighboring countries called on military forces to help deal with the problem, France has been busy drafting a United Nations proposal asking the local climate to refrain from being so hot.
- A Word From Our Sponsors:
June 22, 2009
No, newfunny.com doesn’t have any sponsors. Not that I would mind someone giving me money for something that I’m already doing for free. “A Word From Our Sponsors” is my idea for another television reality show. I’ve worked for UPS for seven years now, and in that time I’ve come up with several ideas for what I think would be great commercials. Unfortunately, UPS doesn’t accept unsolicited marketing concepts– even from it’s own employees. With some 400,000 employess, I guess I can understand their position. This is where “A Word From Our Sponsors” comes into play.Instead of having commercials in between the show, the show is all about making commercials for specific products, and there aren’t any traditional commercial breaks. The show starts off with 30 contestants: 10 writers, 10 directors, and 10 graphics specialists. Each week, teams are randomly assigned with one person from each of the three groups. At the beginning of the week the CEO of a company makes a presentation about a certain product they would like to promote. Then each team of three has until the end of the week to come up with an idea for a 30 second commercial, film it, and add any needed computer graphics. Next all the teams are brought back together with the sponsor to view the results. Each team gets to score all the other team’s finished product. The sponsor gets to decide if he wants to “buy” any of the commercials. If the sponsor purchases a team’s submission the team automatically gets to go on to the next week. The team with the lowest score gets eliminated. The next week everything starts over. The remaining people are randomly assigned new teams, and a new CEO and product line is introduced.
The show should be geared to encouage “outside the box” concepts that are funny, non-traditional, and memorable. Here are examples of the UPS commercials I’ve thought of:
- In the style of the television show “24″, show how a next day air package moves through the UPS system.
- Show what it would be like if all the UPS drivers and pilots met in one place with their vehicles.
- A “Lord of the Rings” themed commercial on an easier way to deliver the ring
So, if you are reading this and happen to be the CEO of General Electric or Viacom give me a call and we can work something out. If you are a nobody, don’t call me– I’ve got a truckload of packages that need to get delivered before I can go home for the night.
- iPhone sex app rates how well you perforn sexually…:
August 15, 2009
However, the application has led to many complaints from users saying the iPhone is either the wrong shape or that the docking port is way, way too small.
- Texas Toast:
April 16, 2005
Ecuador’s President Lucio Gutierrez declared a state of emergency and dissolved the Supreme Court, saying the unpopular judges were the cause of three days of pot-banging street protests. “Hey, now why didn’t I think of that?” asked Republican House majority leader Tom Delay.
- In School News:
September 6, 2002
Parents in Aspen, Colorado claim that plans to teach yoga violate federal rulings that bar religion in the classroom. The district’s yoga program was developed after September 11 to help make children feel safer in school. When questioned about this controversy, President Bush responded, “Before we let this issue create a division among us, we need to all sit down and listen to what the little green Muppet fella has to say.”
- Supporting Children:
December 4, 2002
President Bush signed into law legislation to create a new kids-safe domain on the internet. The “.kids.us” domain will contain content acceptable for children under the age of 13. When the president signed the bill, he went on record saying, “I support this child net safety law– especially after I saw that musical fella dangling his kid off a balcony in Berlin. A safety net could have really helped that poor child.”
- Skyrocketing Ambitions:
July 23, 2005
The House Friday overwhelmingly endorsed President Bush’s vision to send man back to the lunar surface as it passed a bill to set NASA policy for the next two years. Speaking anonymously, one Democratic congressman commented, “Maybe, just maybe, things will get better down here if we let the President focus on invading the moon.”
- Military Operations:
September 20, 2002
When questioned on the situation in the Middle East, former Vice President Dan Quayle responded, “Don’t you mean IRAQUE?”
- Fighting Terrorism:
September 27, 2002
Citing security concerns, officials at Pittsburgh International Airport recently dedicated a replica of a Tyrannosaurus Rex by tearing the ribbon with their hands. In a totally unrelated story, FBI agents were called to the scene when passengers boarding a flight noticed a suspicious-looking individual attempting to fit a four-foot-long pair of novelty scissors in an overhead storage compartment.
- High Hopes:
Category Archives: My Song Lyrics
Three Dimensional Printing
The second video I submitted for the Xprize “Crazy Green Idea” describes a way to use 3D printing to print entire houses. 3D printing is a lot like 2D printing, but it prints thousands of thin layers on top of … Continue reading
Xprize “crazy green idea”
A few months ago the people over at Xprize hosted a “crazy green idea” competition. Entries were to be two minute long videos posted on YouTube that described the goal for their next contest. My first idea was to use … Continue reading
Brown Collar Song
When I was just a young boy I didn’t know what to do Bouncing through jobs Drifting without a clue Then one day my purpose became clear I felt a few inches taller The very first time I wore the … Continue reading
Strangers on a Train
Here is a song I wrote for Nick– another UPS driver who is also in a country/rock band. I came up with the idea back when I lived in Amsterdam and took the train to work every day. You sit … Continue reading
Doctor Who Kinetics Song
Here is a picture of Katherine and I in front of our 2007 Kinetics craft. Why a covered wagon? Well, the rap song we sung at the parade explained it all. Katherine sang the first part and I sang the … Continue reading
Taco Bell
It’s not uncommon for a young man, overflowing with exuberant lust and apprehension, to write a love song to a woman who has captured his heart. It is very uncommon for a young man to do the same for an … Continue reading