About Omar
Omar Lutfey has been running this website since 2000 (back when having your own website really meant something!). He is currently working as a delivery driver at United Parcel Service, promoting energy conservation on his website at BlackRemote.com, and trying to save the Boulder Kinetics race at BoulderKinetics.com.
Random Quips
- Axis of Annoyance:
December 16, 2002
Axis of Annoyance
December 16, 2002 Omar LutfeyThe latest James Bond film, “Die Another Day,” has received sharp criticism from North Korea. In one scene, Bond drives a hovercraft into the country before he is captured and tortured. After watching the movie, one North Korean official commented, “We don’t like to watch these negative images of our great country as we shamelessly copy DVD.”
- Good Oil Boys:
March 29, 2009
The Army Corps of Engineers today released details regarding a controversial plan to rebuild Iraq’s oilfields once the military campaign has ended. While some members of Congress are questioning the ethics of awarding a seven billion dollar contract without competitive bidding to a company once run by Vice President Dick Chaney, the Bush administration replied, “What, did you just meet us?”
- Military Operations:
September 20, 2002
When questioned on the situation in the Middle East, former Vice President Dan Quayle responded, “Don’t you mean IRAQUE?”
- Rush to Judgment:
November 17, 2003
Conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh returned to his long-running radio show today after being absent for five weeks in an effort to break his dependence on prescription pain medication. When asked about the situation, Mr. Limbaugh commented, “While I have made some progress in dealing with the pain pills, the five weeks I’ve been off the air has helped me realize that my real addiction is having millions of people around the world listen to my every word on a daily basis– and trust me, they don’t have a rehab center for that.”
- In Television News:
March 31, 2009
Fox announced plans today for yet another high-profile reality show. Twenty teenage female contestants will compete against each other for a year long contract to help promote maxi pads, tampons, and other feminine hygiene products. When asked how long this reality show theme can go on, one high ranking network official replied, “While the general public has several options with this genre, we strongly believe we have a hit concept with ‘American Midol.’”
- A Sure Thing:
November 12, 2002
An offshore gaming company recently stopped taking bets on the final outcome of ABC’s “The Bachelor.” Since taping the final episode, a highly disproportionate number of bets were placed for one of the two remaining candidates– leading officials to suspect the outcome of the show was leaked to the public. As a result, the company is also no longer accepting bets for previous lottery numbers, WWF Smackdowns, or the results of the 2002 midterm elections.
- Weight Watchers:
October 22, 2007
The International Bureau of Weights and Measures recently reported the 118-year-old cylinder that is the international prototype for the metric mass of a kilogram appears to have lost 50 micrograms. This confirms a theory that scientists have suspected for quite some time now– everyone is getting fatter.
- In Exotic Motorcycle News:
March 31, 2009
Dodge recently unveiled a new prototype motorcycle. Sitting on four wheels and sporting a 10 cylinder Viper engine, the machine can accelerate from 0 to 60 in 2.5 seconds and has an estimated top speed of 400 miles per hour. A slightly less impressive statistic was recorded, however, when the vehicle had to stop for refueling midway through the quarter mile.
- No More Playing Around:
April 2, 2003
France has agreed to provide 320 military personnel for a peacekeeping operation in ethnically divided Macedonia. The French brigadier general in charge went on record saying, “If we don’t get the complete and immediate cooperation from the Macedonian government, ethic rebels, and civilian population, we are prepared to take whatever means necessary to resolve the conflict– including revoking their discount passes at Euro Disney.”
- Making a difference:
December 12, 2002
Republican Senator Trent Lott apologized once again for a recent comment made regarding Strom Thurmond’s 1948 presidential campaign based on a segregationist platform. Meanwhile, democrats have officially adopted an “anti-dixiecrat Lott-bashing” platform for the 2004 elections.
- Putting a lid on it:
October 31, 2009
“Jon and Kate Plus Eight” celebrity Jon Gosselin has reportedly turned to Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, well known as a spiritual adviser to Michael Jackson, for religious counseling. The Rabbi released the following statement to the press, “Jon is aware that his recent behavior has been creating a negative image in the media. He hopes that through a renewed religious commitment he can forge a more positive path for himself and his family. Also, he discovered that wearing a Yarmulke covers up his growing bald spot.” - A Word From Our Sponsors:
June 22, 2009
No, newfunny.com doesn’t have any sponsors. Not that I would mind someone giving me money for something that I’m already doing for free. “A Word From Our Sponsors” is my idea for another television reality show. I’ve worked for UPS for seven years now, and in that time I’ve come up with several ideas for what I think would be great commercials. Unfortunately, UPS doesn’t accept unsolicited marketing concepts– even from it’s own employees. With some 400,000 employess, I guess I can understand their position. This is where “A Word From Our Sponsors” comes into play.Instead of having commercials in between the show, the show is all about making commercials for specific products, and there aren’t any traditional commercial breaks. The show starts off with 30 contestants: 10 writers, 10 directors, and 10 graphics specialists. Each week, teams are randomly assigned with one person from each of the three groups. At the beginning of the week the CEO of a company makes a presentation about a certain product they would like to promote. Then each team of three has until the end of the week to come up with an idea for a 30 second commercial, film it, and add any needed computer graphics. Next all the teams are brought back together with the sponsor to view the results. Each team gets to score all the other team’s finished product. The sponsor gets to decide if he wants to “buy” any of the commercials. If the sponsor purchases a team’s submission the team automatically gets to go on to the next week. The team with the lowest score gets eliminated. The next week everything starts over. The remaining people are randomly assigned new teams, and a new CEO and product line is introduced.
The show should be geared to encouage “outside the box” concepts that are funny, non-traditional, and memorable. Here are examples of the UPS commercials I’ve thought of:
- In the style of the television show “24″, show how a next day air package moves through the UPS system.
- Show what it would be like if all the UPS drivers and pilots met in one place with their vehicles.
- A “Lord of the Rings” themed commercial on an easier way to deliver the ring
So, if you are reading this and happen to be the CEO of General Electric or Viacom give me a call and we can work something out. If you are a nobody, don’t call me– I’ve got a truckload of packages that need to get delivered before I can go home for the night.
- The Zero Effect:
October 21, 2002
A White House spokesman stated Monday that the United States will insist on a “zero tolerance” policy regarding weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. To put this in perspective, the Bush administration assigned Iran and North Korea, the remaining two-thirds of the “Axis of Evil,” tolerance levels of five and eleven.
- Judge Dread:
April 20, 2005
Continuing his unbridled assault on the nation’s judicial system, House Majority leader Tom Delay voiced strong criticism for Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy, noting that Kennedy was guilty of “writing decisions based upon international law… and doing his own research on the Internet.” Delay finished his statement saying, “What happened to the good old days when we kept our judges barefoot and pregnant?”
- Election Coverage:
November 1, 2002
Republicans accused Democrats of turning the memorial service for Paul Wellstone into a rousing political rally. When asked about how the unexpected death of the Minnesota Senator is going to effect the upcoming election, one Republican looked around suspiciously before speaking in a calm and controlled tone, “Yes, it was an accident.”
- Axis of Annoyance:
Category Archives: Multi-Media
The B-Team
A woman drives up to a gas station, gets out of her car, and starts pumping gas. A ringing noise is heard coming from her pocket. She pulls out a cell phone and starts talking. “Hello? Yes. Yes. No. That’s … Continue reading
I could write for Robot Chicken too!
I’m a big fan of Robot Chicken on the Cartoon Network. It combines stop motion animation with CGI to create short (sometimes just a few seconds) sketch comedy. Here are two ideas for very short skits: A courtroom setting. An … Continue reading
The Dukes of Hazzard
Boss Hogg, after having finished an absurdly large lunch in the back room of the Boar’s Nest, looks out the window at Bo and Luke Duke in the General Lee doing doughnuts in the parking lot before driving away. “Those … Continue reading
Funny and Sexy– Is it possible?
We rented “Zach and Miri Make a Porno” from Netflix this weekend. The premise is quite simple– long time friends and roommates Zach and Miri are broke, and decide to remedy the situation by filming a porno flick. Of course … Continue reading
Robot Chicken
Robot Chicken’s an odd mix of stop motion puppets and computer graphics are used to create short (sometimes only a few seconds) sketch comedy routines. Seen on the “Adult Swim” section of the cartoon network, each episode of Robot Chicken … Continue reading
Dancing With the Stars
I had always thought the rule for young gymnast women is that their breasts must be smaller than the top of their pelvic bone jutting out of her abdomen when they stand up straight. Continue reading
A Word From Our Sponsors
No, newfunny.com doesn’t have any sponsors. Not that I would mind someone giving me money for something that I’m already doing for free. “A Word From Our Sponsors” is my idea for another television reality show. I’ve worked for UPS … Continue reading
Star Trek… 11? I’ve lost count
I have to start out by mentioning that back in the day I used to just skip out of work so I could be one of the very first people to see the latest Star Trek movie on Friday afternoon. … Continue reading
The King of Kong
I found this little gem while browsing around the Netflix “Watch Instantly” section. While a documentary about two grown men obsessing over the old school “Donkey Kong” video game doesn’t sound very exciting, I got sucked into it the more … Continue reading
Star Wreck
Not everyone keeps as up to date on Finnish Star Trek parodies as they probably should. That’s exactly why I run this website. Ever wonder what happens when 5 Finns, 300 extras, and whole bunch of computing power get mixed … Continue reading
Olde English
This is a sketch comedy group in New York. I was having a hard time picking out my favorite clip to post, but I finally decided on “The Parks Department”. The mix of music and stock footage feels a bit … Continue reading
Midnight Chimes
I originally found Midnight Chimes when looking for the lyrics to the “Free Credit Report” commercial. They have created an interesting mix of sketches, and they really hate the RIAA. Not that anyone really likes the organization that sues ordinary … Continue reading
Pre-taped call in show
I’m working on making a collection of the best unknown sketch comedy efforts on the Internet. I almost didn’t include this one since the actor in question is now very well known. But way back in 1995 he starred in … Continue reading
Black Remote Video
Video #3 My final submission for the “Crazy Green Idea” is a video describing my BlackRemote.com idea. I could have done a better job writing the script before I started filming. Oh well. I had a lot of fun going … Continue reading
Three Dimensional Printing
The second video I submitted for the Xprize “Crazy Green Idea” describes a way to use 3D printing to print entire houses. 3D printing is a lot like 2D printing, but it prints thousands of thin layers on top of … Continue reading
Xprize “crazy green idea”
A few months ago the people over at Xprize hosted a “crazy green idea” competition. Entries were to be two minute long videos posted on YouTube that described the goal for their next contest. My first idea was to use … Continue reading
Brown Collar Song
When I was just a young boy I didn’t know what to do Bouncing through jobs Drifting without a clue Then one day my purpose became clear I felt a few inches taller The very first time I wore the … Continue reading
Strangers on a Train
Here is a song I wrote for Nick– another UPS driver who is also in a country/rock band. I came up with the idea back when I lived in Amsterdam and took the train to work every day. You sit … Continue reading
Two Upcoming Obama Campaign Ads
Campaign Ad #1 The entire ad is shown in the form of dated black and white film. The scene fades in showing an elaborate 1950′s ball A full sized orchestra is playing Glenn Miller’s “Moonlight Serenade.” All the men are … Continue reading
UPS Super Bowl Commercial
Sunday early morning local news program. The stadium crew is busy setting up chairs in the middle of Investco Field. News anchor: … and preparations are underway for what is expected to be largest single event at Investco Field… (Quick … Continue reading