About Omar
Omar Lutfey has been running this website since 2000 (back when having your own website really meant something!). He is currently working as a delivery driver at United Parcel Service, promoting energy conservation on his website at BlackRemote.com, and trying to save the Boulder Kinetics race at BoulderKinetics.com.
Random Quips
- Election Coverage:
September 18, 2002
After a close election in the Democratic nomination for governor of Florida, former Clinton administration attorney general Janet Reno conceded defeat to Tampa lawyer and first-time candidate Bill McBride. While generally cordial, she ended her concession speech by saying, “Sure, Mr. McBride seems like a nice enough guy, but when push comes to shove does he have the nerve to send fully armed SWAT teams to extract little five-year-old boys from their bed in the middle of the night? I highly doubt it.”
- RATS!:
March 29, 2009
State and federal wildlife biologists are teaming up to eliminate rats who have, for the past 200 years, overrun a large Alaskan island uninhabited by humans. The island, known to locals as “Rat Island,” will face a multi-pronged attack that will include the use of a blood thinners to make the rats bleed to death. One official close to the operation commented, “I’m sure we can get people to live there when we can change the name from ‘Rat Island’ to ‘Dead Rat Island.’”
- In High Technology:
January 9, 2003
Microsoft Corporation recently announced plans to enhance everyday objects such as watches and refrigerator magnets. These devices will provide users with up-to-date information regarding sports scores, traffic reports, and, somewhere down the road, home power outages and threats at your children’s school. When asked about this new technology, Microsoft founder Bill Gates commented, “While I’m not a psychologist, I think I wouldn’t be trying to take over the world right now if my parents received real-time text messages every time I got a wedgie in the eighth grade.”
- In Exotic Motorcycle News:
March 31, 2009
Dodge recently unveiled a new prototype motorcycle. Sitting on four wheels and sporting a 10 cylinder Viper engine, the machine can accelerate from 0 to 60 in 2.5 seconds and has an estimated top speed of 400 miles per hour. A slightly less impressive statistic was recorded, however, when the vehicle had to stop for refueling midway through the quarter mile.
- Palin’s plan:
November 28, 2009
In a recent interview on the Oprah Winfrey show, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin described the President’s economic plan as “back-assward.” She went on to explain how her plan would be different when she runs for Office in 2012. “When I sit down at that big desk in the White House, the first thing I’ll do is fix this economic disaster by getting rid of all these overly complex rules that only benefit those shady characters on Wall Street and make things nice and simple by declaring that the dollar is worth exactly one pound of caribou meat and all new home loans will be backed by the snow machines in your garage. The second thing I’ll do is boldly stand at the window and wave to all of our neighboring countries.” - Free Passage:
December 12, 2004
McDonalds is spending $300,000 to fly Charlie Bell to Australlia in a special medically-equipped corporate jet. Bell, who recently resigned the top position at the golden arches, will return to his native country and continue his battle against colorectal cancer. In a similar gesture of medical goodwill, the world’s largest fast food franchise will soon distribute heart defibulators in upcoming adult happy meals.
- Judge Dread:
April 20, 2005
Continuing his unbridled assault on the nation’s judicial system, House Majority leader Tom Delay voiced strong criticism for Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy, noting that Kennedy was guilty of “writing decisions based upon international law… and doing his own research on the Internet.” Delay finished his statement saying, “What happened to the good old days when we kept our judges barefoot and pregnant?”
- Come on Homes:
May 2, 2010
I watched “Holmes on Homes” on HGTV last night. Mike Holmes travels to people’s houses to repair shady contractor projects gone awry. Now he can finally quit his part time job working security detail for that Dexy’s Midnight Runners tribute band. - Getting Jerked Around:
November 20, 2002
The Supreme Court recently refused to hear the case brought by William Reno Gerber. Currently serving a life sentence in a California prison, Gerber fought for the right to ship sperm to his wife. California’s state Attorney General commented about the decision, “The law recognizes that individuals who commit serious crimes forfeit many rights that law-abiding citizens enjoy. That, and none of the Supreme Court justices would touch the physical evidence presented to the court.”
- Skyrocketing Ambitions:
July 23, 2005
The House Friday overwhelmingly endorsed President Bush’s vision to send man back to the lunar surface as it passed a bill to set NASA policy for the next two years. Speaking anonymously, one Democratic congressman commented, “Maybe, just maybe, things will get better down here if we let the President focus on invading the moon.”
- AT&T drops Tiger, NYC:
December 31, 2009
Telecommunication giant AT&T recently announced plans to drop sponsorship of Tiger Woods due to his indefinite break from professional golf and infidelity issues. AT&T has also recently stopped selling certain phones in New York City for unknown reasons. This has led Tiger and NYC to become friends on facebook and send each other messages about how AT&T is little more than a no-talent ass clown and they could both do better.
- Chronic Pain:
August 20, 2003
Hundreds of people in England are being recruited to take Cannabis after operations. In the clinical study, 400 patients will test a Cannabis-based prototype produced by GW Pharmaceuticals to determine the drug’s effectiveness in reducing post-operative pain. The announcement of this study sent the companies stock up 7.5 percent to a two-month high. The stock then put on “Dark Side of the Moon,” ate an entire bag of nacho-flavored Doritos, and spent several hours contemplating the contours on the palm of its hand.
- A Word From Our Sponsors:
June 22, 2009
No, newfunny.com doesn’t have any sponsors. Not that I would mind someone giving me money for something that I’m already doing for free. “A Word From Our Sponsors” is my idea for another television reality show. I’ve worked for UPS for seven years now, and in that time I’ve come up with several ideas for what I think would be great commercials. Unfortunately, UPS doesn’t accept unsolicited marketing concepts– even from it’s own employees. With some 400,000 employess, I guess I can understand their position. This is where “A Word From Our Sponsors” comes into play.Instead of having commercials in between the show, the show is all about making commercials for specific products, and there aren’t any traditional commercial breaks. The show starts off with 30 contestants: 10 writers, 10 directors, and 10 graphics specialists. Each week, teams are randomly assigned with one person from each of the three groups. At the beginning of the week the CEO of a company makes a presentation about a certain product they would like to promote. Then each team of three has until the end of the week to come up with an idea for a 30 second commercial, film it, and add any needed computer graphics. Next all the teams are brought back together with the sponsor to view the results. Each team gets to score all the other team’s finished product. The sponsor gets to decide if he wants to “buy” any of the commercials. If the sponsor purchases a team’s submission the team automatically gets to go on to the next week. The team with the lowest score gets eliminated. The next week everything starts over. The remaining people are randomly assigned new teams, and a new CEO and product line is introduced.
The show should be geared to encouage “outside the box” concepts that are funny, non-traditional, and memorable. Here are examples of the UPS commercials I’ve thought of:
- In the style of the television show “24″, show how a next day air package moves through the UPS system.
- Show what it would be like if all the UPS drivers and pilots met in one place with their vehicles.
- A “Lord of the Rings” themed commercial on an easier way to deliver the ring
So, if you are reading this and happen to be the CEO of General Electric or Viacom give me a call and we can work something out. If you are a nobody, don’t call me– I’ve got a truckload of packages that need to get delivered before I can go home for the night.
- Secret Agenda:
November 16, 2002
Four protesters with PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) recently disrupted the taping of Victoria’s Secrets Fashion Show by rushing the catwalk with protest signs. The event continued after security whisked the women off the stage and out of the building. After the show, a Victoria’s Secrets executive commented, “I’m not sure why how we became a target for PETA– our written company policy is to provide a daily 600 calorie meal and sixteen ounces of bottled water to each and every one of the models.”
- Military Operations:
September 20, 2002
When questioned on the situation in the Middle East, former Vice President Dan Quayle responded, “Don’t you mean IRAQUE?”
- Election Coverage:
Category Archives: Shout Outs
Funny and Sexy– Is it possible?
We rented “Zach and Miri Make a Porno” from Netflix this weekend. The premise is quite simple– long time friends and roommates Zach and Miri are broke, and decide to remedy the situation by filming a porno flick. Of course … Continue reading
Robot Chicken
Robot Chicken’s an odd mix of stop motion puppets and computer graphics are used to create short (sometimes only a few seconds) sketch comedy routines. Seen on the “Adult Swim” section of the cartoon network, each episode of Robot Chicken … Continue reading
Star Trek… 11? I’ve lost count
I have to start out by mentioning that back in the day I used to just skip out of work so I could be one of the very first people to see the latest Star Trek movie on Friday afternoon. … Continue reading
The King of Kong
I found this little gem while browsing around the Netflix “Watch Instantly” section. While a documentary about two grown men obsessing over the old school “Donkey Kong” video game doesn’t sound very exciting, I got sucked into it the more … Continue reading
Star Wreck
Not everyone keeps as up to date on Finnish Star Trek parodies as they probably should. That’s exactly why I run this website. Ever wonder what happens when 5 Finns, 300 extras, and whole bunch of computing power get mixed … Continue reading
Olde English
This is a sketch comedy group in New York. I was having a hard time picking out my favorite clip to post, but I finally decided on “The Parks Department”. The mix of music and stock footage feels a bit … Continue reading
Midnight Chimes
I originally found Midnight Chimes when looking for the lyrics to the “Free Credit Report” commercial. They have created an interesting mix of sketches, and they really hate the RIAA. Not that anyone really likes the organization that sues ordinary … Continue reading
Pre-taped call in show
I’m working on making a collection of the best unknown sketch comedy efforts on the Internet. I almost didn’t include this one since the actor in question is now very well known. But way back in 1995 he starred in … Continue reading