About Omar
Omar Lutfey has been running this website since 2000 (back when having your own website really meant something!). He is currently working as a delivery driver at United Parcel Service, promoting energy conservation on his website at BlackRemote.com, and trying to save the Boulder Kinetics race at BoulderKinetics.com.
Random Quips
- Three Strikes:
February 6, 2003
In a recent interview, Ben Affleck dismissed rumors that he plans to marry Jennifer Lopez on Valentine’s Day. When asked if he ever had a fling with Britney Spears, Affleck again said it wasn’t true. He proceeded to ask the pop princess’s age and then mouthed the words “call me” as he made a telephone gesture with his thumb and pinky.
- Thai Cheap:
August 18, 2006
A project to provide $100 laptop computers to poor children around the world is about to take a step forward. Thaiwan’s Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra announced that “if this project is completed” it would reach all Thai elementary students. With the exception, of couse, of the children who are too busy working in the $100 laptop sweatshops.
- A Sure Thing:
November 12, 2002
An offshore gaming company recently stopped taking bets on the final outcome of ABC’s “The Bachelor.” Since taping the final episode, a highly disproportionate number of bets were placed for one of the two remaining candidates– leading officials to suspect the outcome of the show was leaked to the public. As a result, the company is also no longer accepting bets for previous lottery numbers, WWF Smackdowns, or the results of the 2002 midterm elections.
- I Should Be A SNL Writer:
October 15, 2009
Here was a joke on Thursday’s Saturday Night Live:
A man in Massachusetts who used a pellet gun to steal a hot dog from another man in the park has been sentenced to 18 months in prison. And just for future reference, stealing a guys wallet can buy you lots of hot dogs.
Here is my version:
A man in Massachusetts who used a pellet gun to steal a hot dog from another man in the park has been sentenced to 18 months in prison where he will be warmly embraced as “the guy who likes to grab other guy’s wieners.”
- Barrel Of Monkeys:
February 27, 2008
A report in the December 2007 issue of Animal Behavior claims male monkeys pay for sex with grooming services. After a twenty month observation of the monkeys, one researcher concluded, “Despite the rather conclusive evidence that monkeys pay for these services, we still advise the general public to avoid monkeys who try to pay for sex with a personal check.”
- Adding Fuel to the Fire:
February 6, 2003
After finishing his State of the Union speech, the President took a moment to respond to concerns regarding the nation’s policy towards North Korea. “We can launch an attack the minute we finish building that battalion of hydrogen-powered armored vehicles.”
- Asset Management:
May 4, 2009
Facing Chapter 11 bankruptcy, Chrysler announced a new “Employee Pricing Plus Plus,” incentive program Tuesday. A top executive at the automaker explained how the new system works. “Not only will employee pricing be offered for the purchase of all Chrysler, Jeep, and Dodge vehicles, but for a limited time customers will also receive an actual Chrysler employee. Have them clean up the yard, help the kids with their homework, or take the dog for a walk in the afternoons. When we start up our factories again we will have the employee shipped back with no charge to the customer.”
- Pie in the Sky:
May 12, 2004
In light of the recent Space Shuttle disaster, officials at NASA are considering sending an unmanned robot into space to perform maintenance on the fourteen year old Hubble Telescope. “The idea came to us,” one project manager reported, “after the local Chuck E Cheese closed down and the entire animatronic Pizza Time Band became unemployed.”
- Chicken Little:
January 8, 2003
P.E.T.A. is currently campaigning for a general boycott of Kentucky Fried Chicken. When queried, a spokesperson for the organization stated, “They are raising chickens in a safe and sanitary environment– we are just disgusted by the continued production of annoying commercials with that fat, annoying guy from Seinfeld.”
- How’s that going, anyway?:
July 25, 2010
Astronomers recently discovered the largest star in the Universe. Called R136a1, it is about 265 times more massive than our Sun. “To put this in perspective,” one scientists closely involved with the discovery explained, “it is the biggest ball of hot gas ever found in one place– even larger than the previous record set in the late 1990′s when leaders of the Republican party all gathered together to hammer out the ‘Contract With America.’” - In Business News:
June 28, 2002
Xerox recently admitted to overstating revenue by 1.9 billion over the past 5 years. Attempts to destroy potentially damaging information proved unsuccessful when the copier, instead of mangling documents beyond recognition, produced clean and easy-to-read duplicates.
- For Our Next Project:
July 26, 2002
Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University built a machine designed to demonstrate basic social skills. The robot, named Grace, is a 6-foot-tall drum shaped device which communicates through a digitally animated woman’s face. While the robot’s social abilities are minimal at best, the researcher’s modest goal is to have Grace appear at least as human as Martha Stewart.
- No More Playing Around:
April 2, 2003
France has agreed to provide 320 military personnel for a peacekeeping operation in ethnically divided Macedonia. The French brigadier general in charge went on record saying, “If we don’t get the complete and immediate cooperation from the Macedonian government, ethic rebels, and civilian population, we are prepared to take whatever means necessary to resolve the conflict– including revoking their discount passes at Euro Disney.”
- Word on the Street:
November 25, 2002
Paramount Pictures recently announced plans for a motion picture based on the 1980s Fox television drama “21 Jump Street.” Plans call for the return of some original cast members and a heavy dose of computer-generated effects to turn Richard Grieko back into an undercover high school student.
- S & Men:
May 30, 2010
“Sex and the City 2″ earned $32.1 million dollars over the three day memorial day weekend. Reports show 90% of the audience were women and the rest were men hoping to get some.
- Three Strikes:
Category Archives: Evil Alien Overlord
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