Oklahoma City Mayor Mick Cornett recently challenged it’s citizens to collectively lose one million pounds through change in diet and exercise after being ranked in the top 10 of America’s Fattest Cities. After hearing the news, the two half million pound men in the front row looked at each other and asked, “That’s all great and all, but what can WE do to make things better?”
About Omar
Omar Lutfey has been running this website since 2000 (back when having your own website really meant something!). He is currently working as a delivery driver at United Parcel Service, promoting energy conservation on his website at BlackRemote.com, and trying to save the Boulder Kinetics race at BoulderKinetics.com.
Random Quips
- Supporting Children:
December 4, 2002
President Bush signed into law legislation to create a new kids-safe domain on the internet. The “.kids.us” domain will contain content acceptable for children under the age of 13. When the president signed the bill, he went on record saying, “I support this child net safety law– especially after I saw that musical fella dangling his kid off a balcony in Berlin. A safety net could have really helped that poor child.”
- Burning Issues:
April 4, 2009
Betty Bullock started smoking when she was seventeen and was diagnosed with lung cancer that has since spread to her liver. This week a jury awarded her $28 billion in damages after she sued Philip Morris for fraud and negligence. As a result of this court action, millions of people across the country are reconsidering the economic impact of quitting smoking.
- Undertaking In Iraq:
July 1, 2003
President Bush recently declared that rebuilding Iraq will be a “massive and long-term undertaking.” The White House Press Secretary elaborated, “To put this in perspective, it is way more important than rebuilding our nation’s economy, but slightly less important than rebuilding the President’s re-election war chest.”
- Spring Time:
August 29, 2009
Katherine and I took a short road trip to Saratoga Springs, Wyoming in August just to get away for a few days. About three hours drive from Loveland, Colorado, this town consisted of some hot springs, two gas stations, a handful of hotels, and a few hundred people who seemed to have taken up residence here for their own personal reasons. We booked a room at the hotel which included access to several hot tubs and a large pool filled with mineral water. Some of the hot tubs were mostly covered with teepee-like structures that gave a large amount of privacy, just in case, say, you and your partner needed some alone time to, oh, review old tax returns or exchange highly sensitive military intelligence.The hotel room had its own share of peculiarities. In addition to the queen sized bed, much of the room was occupied by a large rustic looking armoire. I’m not sure if it was real rustic or fake rustic– around here it could go either way. Inside the armoire is a very medium sized television set. A shelf above the television is a shelf bowing under the weight of a large VCR with, if carbon dated, would probably be traced backed to the early 1980s. I can’t remember ever having been in a hotel room with a VCR. We got all the standard cable channels, some better than others– perhaps a sign of a few too many sets connected to the cable feed. All the network channels were based in Denver, which kind of negated the feeling that we were out in the middle of nowhere. Or at least as much of nowhere that is left these days. Come to think about it, we did pass a large Walmart distribution center about 60 miles from town, so somewhere is getting closer all the time.
The only other notable attribute of the hotel was the high pressure nozzle on the shower. This device literally separates the water molecules into individual atoms before shooting them out at a velocity approaching the speed of light. This causes the water to assume wavelike properties and travel straight through my body, the tub, the subfloor, and so on until it slows down somewhere, I suspect, near the molten core of the planet.
While somewhat limited in our dining choices, we found a rather small-townsy type place that served a small selection of breakfast options. We must have come during the morning rush, because the one waiter was overwhelmed trying to take care of everyone. When the shelf of clean coffee mugs became empty, one of the customers cleaned up a few tables, took everything into the kitchen, and came back out in a few minutes with a dozen clean mugs. That’s what I like about visiting small towns– well, that and we didn’t see a single mugging or car-jacking.
- In the dog house:
June 4, 2003
In her new book, Hillary Rodham Clinton says her husband’s relationship with Monica Lewinsky caused so much pain that, at one point, Buddy the dog was the only member of the family willing to keep President Clinton company. “I’m really not too surprised,” she explained, “since they both just wanted to have their way with whatever submissive bitch was in the vicinity at the moment.”
- Island Paradise:
July 11, 2003
An unidentified British financier recently spent $40 million for an apartment space facing Central Park in New York City. After the deal was finalized, the landlord warned the new tenant, “No loud music, no drugs, or I get you arrested and someone else gets your apartment.”
- Rush to Judgment:
July 17, 2010
Rush Limbaugh on his plans if the new United States health care program is implemented:Look here folks, all I’m saying is that if Obamacare gets implemented and all the sick people are rounded up, transported in military vehicles to various community swimming pools, stripped naked, and finally, after a five day wait, diagnosed by underage illegal immigrant veterinary students, then, yes, I’ll go to Costa Rica for any of my future medical care needs. And this has nothing– and let me be very clear on this matter– nothing to do with their clean, safe, and most importantly, no identification required Oxytocin bulk bin stores.
- Flu’s Clues:
October 24, 2009
To help prevent the spread of the H1N1 virus, medical authorities in the United States are recommending the following precautions: get the flu shot once it becomes available, stay home from work if you are exhibiting flu-like symptoms, and, most importantly, avoid any impromptu “Hands Across America” events.
- Good Oil Boys:
March 29, 2009
The Army Corps of Engineers today released details regarding a controversial plan to rebuild Iraq’s oilfields once the military campaign has ended. While some members of Congress are questioning the ethics of awarding a seven billion dollar contract without competitive bidding to a company once run by Vice President Dick Chaney, the Bush administration replied, “What, did you just meet us?”
- Houston:
March 29, 2009
NASA unveiled plans on Monday to return humans to the moon by 2018 at a cost of $104 billion as recently demanded by President Bush. One anonymous member of congress commented, “I think we need to form a commission and find out who is responsible for, sometime during his latest vacation, letting our Commander-In-Chief watch Apollo 13 on DVD.”
- Nights at the Round Table:
October 30, 2003
North Korea has agreed, in principle, to six-way talks addressing Pyongyang’s controversial nuclear program. The complex agreement will bring North Korea, South Korea, China, Japan, Russia, and the United States together in an attempt to resolve the situation. While the details of the negotiations have not been finalized, it is widely believed the meeting will culminate in a no-holds-barred, winner-takes-all game of Chinese checkers.
- Monkey Business:
May 22, 2003
Michael Jackson was briefly hospitalized after suffering what a Jackson family lawyer called a “reaction to lawsuits.” A Jackson family doctor, speaking on the condition of anonymity, reclassified the condition as a “reaction to monkey feces.”
- Music Notes:
December 16, 2002
Singer David Lee Roth is suing his former Van Halen band mates. The suit alleges members of the band robbed him of royalty money through a 1996 contract with Warner Bros. When asked about the legal proceedings, Roth said, “Woooo! I’m back in the spotlight, and ready to ROCK!!!”
- Pie in the Sky:
May 12, 2004
In light of the recent Space Shuttle disaster, officials at NASA are considering sending an unmanned robot into space to perform maintenance on the fourteen year old Hubble Telescope. “The idea came to us,” one project manager reported, “after the local Chuck E Cheese closed down and the entire animatronic Pizza Time Band became unemployed.”
- Chicken Little:
January 8, 2003
P.E.T.A. is currently campaigning for a general boycott of Kentucky Fried Chicken. When queried, a spokesperson for the organization stated, “They are raising chickens in a safe and sanitary environment– we are just disgusted by the continued production of annoying commercials with that fat, annoying guy from Seinfeld.”
- Supporting Children:
