The crew of the trapped Russian mini-submarine are back in port after their three day ordeal. An English submarine came to the rescue after the Russian sub got tangled up in wires at the bottom of the Pacific. Faced with dwindling oxygen supplies, the trapped crew quickly realized that someone violated standard protocol and entered the vessel soon after eating several Taco Bell bean burritos.
About Omar
Omar Lutfey has been running this website since 2000 (back when having your own website really meant something!). He is currently working as a delivery driver at United Parcel Service, promoting energy conservation on his website at BlackRemote.com, and trying to save the Boulder Kinetics race at BoulderKinetics.com.
Random Quips
- Raising Security:
September 15, 2002
Faced with shrinking profit margins, airlines in the United States are imposing new fees to help boost their bottom line. At various airports around the country, for example, passengers going through security can pay forty dollars to walk past Federal screeners and submit to an extensive “hand search” by perky eighteen year old women in Hooters outfits.
- Minus J and K:
October 24, 2009
The bitter divorce proceedings of the Gosselin family, famous for their reality show “John and Kate Plus Eight,” continue to play out in the media tabloids. When asked for a comment on the situation, a high level employee of the network anonymously commented, “When divorce proceedings turn ugly like this the judicial system needs to focus on what is best for the children. We strongly believe sole custody should be given to the TLC network. I mean, come on, have you seen the parents lately? They have both gone bat-shit crazy. And this would fit nicely into our plan for our new reality show ‘Eight’.” - Spring Time:
August 29, 2009
Katherine and I took a short road trip to Saratoga Springs, Wyoming in August just to get away for a few days. About three hours drive from Loveland, Colorado, this town consisted of some hot springs, two gas stations, a handful of hotels, and a few hundred people who seemed to have taken up residence here for their own personal reasons. We booked a room at the hotel which included access to several hot tubs and a large pool filled with mineral water. Some of the hot tubs were mostly covered with teepee-like structures that gave a large amount of privacy, just in case, say, you and your partner needed some alone time to, oh, review old tax returns or exchange highly sensitive military intelligence.The hotel room had its own share of peculiarities. In addition to the queen sized bed, much of the room was occupied by a large rustic looking armoire. I’m not sure if it was real rustic or fake rustic– around here it could go either way. Inside the armoire is a very medium sized television set. A shelf above the television is a shelf bowing under the weight of a large VCR with, if carbon dated, would probably be traced backed to the early 1980s. I can’t remember ever having been in a hotel room with a VCR. We got all the standard cable channels, some better than others– perhaps a sign of a few too many sets connected to the cable feed. All the network channels were based in Denver, which kind of negated the feeling that we were out in the middle of nowhere. Or at least as much of nowhere that is left these days. Come to think about it, we did pass a large Walmart distribution center about 60 miles from town, so somewhere is getting closer all the time.
The only other notable attribute of the hotel was the high pressure nozzle on the shower. This device literally separates the water molecules into individual atoms before shooting them out at a velocity approaching the speed of light. This causes the water to assume wavelike properties and travel straight through my body, the tub, the subfloor, and so on until it slows down somewhere, I suspect, near the molten core of the planet.
While somewhat limited in our dining choices, we found a rather small-townsy type place that served a small selection of breakfast options. We must have come during the morning rush, because the one waiter was overwhelmed trying to take care of everyone. When the shelf of clean coffee mugs became empty, one of the customers cleaned up a few tables, took everything into the kitchen, and came back out in a few minutes with a dozen clean mugs. That’s what I like about visiting small towns– well, that and we didn’t see a single mugging or car-jacking.
- Cleaning Up:
September 20, 2002
Accused of looting hundreds of millions of dollars from Tyco International, former CEO Dennis Kozlowski now faces federal charges of corruption, conspiracy, and grand larceny. One of the prosecuting attorneys in the case went on record saying, “Six thousand dollars for a shower curtain! What does he think this is, the military?”
- In Political News:
April 4, 2009
Speaking at the foot of Mount Rushmore, President Bush took time out of his four-week working vacation to criticize congress on the issue of Homeland Security. “The Democrats in the Senate are intentionally limiting… [LOOKS AT TV MONITOR] Whoa, hey, look at this– my head is the same size as those up on the side of the mountain! [LOOKS UP AT MOUNTAIN] But my head is smaller, and they are made out of rocks! Get Cheney over here– he has to see this… I don’t care, get him out of the bunker. He has to see this.”
- Gas and Bloating:
October 25, 2009
The time line for former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin’s pet project involving a natural gas pipeline across Alaska has recently come into question. Despite recent increases in the price of this abundant resource in the state, many experts are questioning when, if ever, the project will be completed. To save on construction costs, Palin’s plan called for driving down to the Home Depot in Anchorage, buying 2000 miles of PVC pipe and a few cases of duct tape, and sending 18 of her nephews out on snow machines to fit everything together. - More Than Words:
February 11, 2003
At a Capitol Hill hearing regarding Homeland Security, FBI Director Robert Mueller reported, “the enemies we face are resourceful, merciless and fanatically committed to inflicting massive damage on our homeland, which they regard as a bastion of evil.” Later in the day the President of Iraq responded by asking the Director, “Hey, would you mind if I use that in my next propaganda speech? It has a nice ring to it.”
- Free Bird:
November 22, 2005
President Bush pardoned two turkeys, Stars and Stripes, during the annual White House Thanksgiving tradition. When asked about the status of those who did not receive clemency and are still being held at undisclosed locations around the world, the President replied, “I want to be clear on this– we do not torture… Let’s just say they’ve been ‘tenderized.’ Heh heh heh. Yeah, that sounds much better.”
- And One Pill Makes You Small:
October 28, 2003
A report commissioned by the govenor of Illinios found that the if the state purchased presription drugs from Canada, the average retiree could save more than $1000 a year without compromising the safety or quality of their medications. When asked to respond to these findings, a spokesperson for an undisclosed drug company replied, “Sure, this might save seniors in Illinios a few bucks here and there, but who is going to watch out for the multi-billion dollar pharmaceutical companies? Oh, wait– that’s why we pay off high-level government officials. Sucks to be you, old sick people.”
- Force of Nature:
March 29, 2009
President Bush sent a message to European leaders who opposed the Iraq war saying that “no passing disagreement of governments, no power on Earth will ever divide us.” Shortly afterwards, a spokesperson for the Commander-in-Chief added, “with the exception of the techtonic plates under the Atlantic ocean that have been pushing apart the two continents for the past hundred million years or so.”
- Putting his finger on the problem:
November 6, 2008
My doctor’s prostate exam really left an impression on me. And by that I mean that all my poop is shaped like his finger.
- Houston:
March 29, 2009
NASA unveiled plans on Monday to return humans to the moon by 2018 at a cost of $104 billion as recently demanded by President Bush. One anonymous member of congress commented, “I think we need to form a commission and find out who is responsible for, sometime during his latest vacation, letting our Commander-In-Chief watch Apollo 13 on DVD.”
- Messed With Texas:
October 24, 2009
A 72 year old woman who was tasered during a routine traffic stop has received a $40,000 settlement from a Texas county. In response to this and several other high-profile incidents, the maker of Taser stun guns has created several recommendations on taser gun use, including instructing officers to avoid hitting suspects in the chest and retrofitting guns with a second chamber that, when fired, automatically ejects pre-signed litigation settlement checks.
- Soft Cell:
September 10, 2010
California offically launched its controversial $3 billion stem cell research program. Robert Klien, the chairman of the operation, went on record pledging “public oversight, transparency, accountability and the highest ethical conduct” for the committee. After the news conference, calls for Klien’s resignation were put forward by the Bush administration.
- Asset Management:
May 4, 2009
Facing Chapter 11 bankruptcy, Chrysler announced a new “Employee Pricing Plus Plus,” incentive program Tuesday. A top executive at the automaker explained how the new system works. “Not only will employee pricing be offered for the purchase of all Chrysler, Jeep, and Dodge vehicles, but for a limited time customers will also receive an actual Chrysler employee. Have them clean up the yard, help the kids with their homework, or take the dog for a walk in the afternoons. When we start up our factories again we will have the employee shipped back with no charge to the customer.”
- Raising Security:
