Astronomers using the Hubble Space telescope have released the deepest-ever image of the universe using a long duration exposure that provides a glimpse of the cosmos more than 13 billion years ago. “In addition to the clouds of space dust and ice particles,” one source close to the program explained, “we have discovered a very, very, tiny image of Dick Clark helping the galaxy ring in the Big Bang.”
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About Omar
Omar Lutfey has been running this website since 2000 (back when having your own website really meant something!). He is currently working as a delivery driver at United Parcel Service, promoting energy conservation on his website at BlackRemote.com, and trying to save the Boulder Kinetics race at BoulderKinetics.com.
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- United Parcel Service
Random Quips
- Hot Potato:
September 29, 2003
A 6-foot tall, 150-pound Mr. Potato Head statue once used by the Rhode Island Tourism Division was stolen Friday from the driveway of a private home in Newport, Rhode Island. After hearing the news, the search for a 6-foot tall letter “E” was initiated by former Vice President Dan Quayle.
- In Medical News:
October 4, 2002
A report issued by the British Medical Journal casts doubts on the effectiveness of providing men with annual prostate exams. Prostate cancer can be slow growing and may never actually threaten the patient’s life. While less than one percent of the individuals in the study benefited from the exam, ten percent of the men considered the experience “enjoyable.”
- In Television News:
March 31, 2009
Fox announced plans today for yet another high-profile reality show. Twenty teenage female contestants will compete against each other for a year long contract to help promote maxi pads, tampons, and other feminine hygiene products. When asked how long this reality show theme can go on, one high ranking network official replied, “While the general public has several options with this genre, we strongly believe we have a hit concept with ‘American Midol.’”
- Fat Bottomed Girls:
July 18, 2003
The National Institute of Health released a report stating that while American children are becoming more obese, they are less likely to become pregnant or engage in violent activity. One of the researchers concluded, “If you want to keep your son out of school-yard fights and your daughter from getting knocked up, make sure they watch plenty of television and consume large quantities of junk food on a daily basis.”
- Force of Nature:
March 29, 2009
President Bush sent a message to European leaders who opposed the Iraq war saying that “no passing disagreement of governments, no power on Earth will ever divide us.” Shortly afterwards, a spokesperson for the Commander-in-Chief added, “with the exception of the techtonic plates under the Atlantic ocean that have been pushing apart the two continents for the past hundred million years or so.”
- Weight Watchers:
October 22, 2007
The International Bureau of Weights and Measures recently reported the 118-year-old cylinder that is the international prototype for the metric mass of a kilogram appears to have lost 50 micrograms. This confirms a theory that scientists have suspected for quite some time now– everyone is getting fatter.
- One Large French Fry:
August 14, 2003
The continuing heat wave in Europe has reportedly led to 3,000 deaths in France. While neighboring countries called on military forces to help deal with the problem, France has been busy drafting a United Nations proposal asking the local climate to refrain from being so hot.
- Pound For Pound:
January 5, 2008
Oklahoma City Mayor Mick Cornett recently challenged it’s citizens to collectively lose one million pounds through change in diet and exercise after being ranked in the top 10 of America’s Fattest Cities. After hearing the news, the two half million pound men in the front row looked at each other and asked, “That’s all great and all, but what can WE do to make things better?”
- Free Passage:
December 12, 2004
McDonalds is spending $300,000 to fly Charlie Bell to Australlia in a special medically-equipped corporate jet. Bell, who recently resigned the top position at the golden arches, will return to his native country and continue his battle against colorectal cancer. In a similar gesture of medical goodwill, the world’s largest fast food franchise will soon distribute heart defibulators in upcoming adult happy meals.
- 2 cute:
January 28, 2010
The Learning Channel began airing the second season of “Toddlers & Tiaras” which documents young girls in highly competitive beauty contests. “Finally, a show that caters to our unique demographic!” proclaimed all the pedophiles.
- Heavy Reading:
July 26, 2006
The hottest book on Amazon.com this week described the efforts of a morbidly obese man to become a functioning member of society once again. The title of the book is, “How I Lost 749 Pounds But Found It In The Sofa Cushions.”
- Mouse Problems:
November 26, 2002
Sixty passengers on a Disney cruise have fallen ill on the ship’s latest voyage, prompting officials to bring aboard the former head of the Centers for Disease Control to oversee the cleanup operations. The Disney spokesman described the sickness as “like the flu” and said the symptoms are mostly vomiting and diarrhea. The outbreak started after the ship’s Muzak system jammed and played twelve consecutive hours of “Its A Small World.”
- A Room With A View:
July 17, 2010
Condemned killer Kenneth Biros could become the first person in the country put to death with a single dose of an intravenous anesthetic instead of the usual — and faster-acting — process if his execution proceeds Tuesday. This new process is believed to be more humane than the previous method of strapping the individual into a chair and forcing them to watch old episodes of “The View” until they became bored to death.
- In Exotic Motorcycle News:
March 31, 2009
Dodge recently unveiled a new prototype motorcycle. Sitting on four wheels and sporting a 10 cylinder Viper engine, the machine can accelerate from 0 to 60 in 2.5 seconds and has an estimated top speed of 400 miles per hour. A slightly less impressive statistic was recorded, however, when the vehicle had to stop for refueling midway through the quarter mile.
- Putting his finger on the problem:
November 6, 2008
My doctor’s prostate exam really left an impression on me. And by that I mean that all my poop is shaped like his finger.
- Hot Potato: