…but the UPS guy is already driving away by the time you put down the remote control, get your butt off the couch, dust the potato chips off your stomach, and walk over to the front door.
About Omar
Omar Lutfey has been running this website since 2000 (back when having your own website really meant something!). He is currently working as a delivery driver at United Parcel Service, promoting energy conservation on his website at BlackRemote.com, and trying to save the Boulder Kinetics race at BoulderKinetics.com.
Random Quips
- Kickin’ It Old School:
January 28, 2003
U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld recently caused a bit of a stir by stating that France and Germany’s reluctance to support a war against Iraq indicated they were still part of “old Europe.” A high ranking French official replied, “I’m not sure about the rest of the world, but talking about war and ‘old Germany’ makes us a bit nervous.”
- In the dog house:
June 4, 2003
In her new book, Hillary Rodham Clinton says her husband’s relationship with Monica Lewinsky caused so much pain that, at one point, Buddy the dog was the only member of the family willing to keep President Clinton company. “I’m really not too surprised,” she explained, “since they both just wanted to have their way with whatever submissive bitch was in the vicinity at the moment.”
- Texas Toast:
April 16, 2005
Ecuador’s President Lucio Gutierrez declared a state of emergency and dissolved the Supreme Court, saying the unpopular judges were the cause of three days of pot-banging street protests. “Hey, now why didn’t I think of that?” asked Republican House majority leader Tom Delay.
- Pound For Pound:
January 5, 2008
Oklahoma City Mayor Mick Cornett recently challenged it’s citizens to collectively lose one million pounds through change in diet and exercise after being ranked in the top 10 of America’s Fattest Cities. After hearing the news, the two half million pound men in the front row looked at each other and asked, “That’s all great and all, but what can WE do to make things better?”
- Secret Agenda:
November 16, 2002
Four protesters with PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) recently disrupted the taping of Victoria’s Secrets Fashion Show by rushing the catwalk with protest signs. The event continued after security whisked the women off the stage and out of the building. After the show, a Victoria’s Secrets executive commented, “I’m not sure why how we became a target for PETA– our written company policy is to provide a daily 600 calorie meal and sixteen ounces of bottled water to each and every one of the models.”
- Election Coverage:
November 1, 2002
Republicans accused Democrats of turning the memorial service for Paul Wellstone into a rousing political rally. When asked about how the unexpected death of the Minnesota Senator is going to effect the upcoming election, one Republican looked around suspiciously before speaking in a calm and controlled tone, “Yes, it was an accident.”
- World Peace:
November 22, 2002
Intense riots in Kaduna, Nigeria were sparked by a local newspaper article regarding the upcoming Miss World pageant. The front-page article claimed that if he was alive today, the Islamic prophet Mohamed probably would have chosen a wife from among the contestants. The developing African country won the right to host the competition last year when Miss Nigeria was crowned Miss World 2001. When asked about the situation, the current Miss Nigeria commented, “I’m pretty sure I’m not going to win this year.”
- In Exotic Motorcycle News:
January 8, 2003
Dodge recently unveiled a new prototype motorcycle. Sitting on four wheels and sporting a 10 cylinder Viper engine, the machine can accelerate from 0 to 60 in 2.5 seconds and has an estimated top speed of 400 miles per hour. A slightly less impressive statistic was recorded, however, when the vehicle had to stop for refueling midway through the quarter mile.
- Minus J and K:
October 24, 2009
The bitter divorce proceedings of the Gosselin family, famous for their reality show “John and Kate Plus Eight,” continue to play out in the media tabloids. When asked for a comment on the situation, a high level employee of the network anonymously commented, “When divorce proceedings turn ugly like this the judicial system needs to focus on what is best for the children. We strongly believe sole custody should be given to the TLC network. I mean, come on, have you seen the parents lately? They have both gone bat-shit crazy. And this would fit nicely into our plan for our new reality show ‘Eight’.” - Axis of Annoyance:
December 16, 2002
Axis of Annoyance
December 16, 2002 Omar LutfeyThe latest James Bond film, “Die Another Day,” has received sharp criticism from North Korea. In one scene, Bond drives a hovercraft into the country before he is captured and tortured. After watching the movie, one North Korean official commented, “We don’t like to watch these negative images of our great country as we shamelessly copy DVD.”
- In Television News:
March 31, 2009
Fox announced plans today for yet another high-profile reality show. Twenty teenage female contestants will compete against each other for a year long contract to help promote maxi pads, tampons, and other feminine hygiene products. When asked how long this reality show theme can go on, one high ranking network official replied, “While the general public has several options with this genre, we strongly believe we have a hit concept with ‘American Midol.’”
- Houston:
March 29, 2009
NASA unveiled plans on Monday to return humans to the moon by 2018 at a cost of $104 billion as recently demanded by President Bush. One anonymous member of congress commented, “I think we need to form a commission and find out who is responsible for, sometime during his latest vacation, letting our Commander-In-Chief watch Apollo 13 on DVD.”
- This little piggy:
May 13, 2003
A British teenager was recently forced to pay $160 to a policeman for calling him “fat.” The fine would have been higher, but the judge decided to deduct the cost of the pound of uncooked bacon the teen stuffed down the officers shirt during the altercation.
- Another Brick in the Wall:
June 5, 2003
Despite intense lobbying efforts by Microsoft, the city of Munich, Germany decided to stop using Microsoft Windows in favor of Linux, a popular open source operating system. In an official document explaining the situation, the government explained, “It was a tough decision to abandon the Microsoft corporation– we have the highest levels of respect for their continued attempt to take over the world.”
- Flights of Fancy:
August 13, 2003
The Hong Kong based Blue Box Toys company announced plans to distribute a one-foot-tall GI Joe doll of the president called “Elite Force Aviator: George W. Bush– U.S. President and Naval Aviator.” A spokesperson for the company commented, “We are excited to release this new doll, especially after the marketing department killed plans for a ‘National Guard Deserter– you can’t spell AWOL without a Dubya’ childrens toy.”
- Kickin’ It Old School: