I used to have a nice looking contact form up here, but all I was getting was spam. Why doesn’t anyone want to send me a message? I’ve decided to just post my address as an image and see if that works any better. So if you would like to tell me anything, just send me a regular old email message to:
olutfey (at) gmail.com
Microsoft Corporation warned on Wednesday that users of its Office software were at risk of having their computers taken over by an attacker unless they applied a patch to correct the problem. The attacker? Microsoft Corporation.
So I’m sitting in bumper to bumper traffic by the Fort Collins Mall in a rather feeble attempt to deliver UPS packages out of a Budget Rental truck 24 hours after a storm front dumped two feet of snow along the entire front range. I’m not sure, but I think I kind of lost it when I started yelling at the radio, “Damnit! Why are you playing the exact same song that girl at the Karaoke Bar sang seven years ago that I totally fell for, even though she was totally unimpressed when I sang the jingle about the metric system I committed to memory after hearing it once in ninth grade science class and then never saw again? WHY DO YOU TORMENT ME SO 105.5 JACK FM?”
The National Institute of Health released a report stating that while American children are becoming more obese, they are less likely to become pregnant or engage in violent activity. One of the researchers concluded, “If you want to keep your son out of school-yard fights and your daughter from getting knocked up, make sure they watch plenty of television and consume large quantities of junk food on a daily basis.”
The Los Angeles School District plans to spend $10 million to repair school restrooms after a TV report showed facilities that were dirty, broken down, or even locked. While many supporters describe the action as desperately needed, a small group of California taxpayers describe the plan as little more than throwing money down the toilet.
Singer David Lee Roth is suing his former Van Halen band mates. The suit alleges members of the band robbed him of royalty money through a 1996 contract with Warner Bros. When asked about the legal proceedings, Roth said, “Woooo! I’m back in the spotlight, and ready to ROCK!!!”
However, the application has led to many complaints from users saying the iPhone is either the wrong shape or that the docking port is way, way too small.
President Bush said on Tuesday his proposals for a space program that would take man to the Moon and Mars, criticized by some for its high cost, would be affordable. “We can get half way there,” the Commander in Chief explained, “just by climbing on top of all the money I’ve collected for the next election.”
The House Friday overwhelmingly endorsed President Bush’s vision to send man back to the lunar surface as it passed a bill to set NASA policy for the next two years. Speaking anonymously, one Democratic congressman commented, “Maybe, just maybe, things will get better down here if we let the President focus on invading the moon.”
The continuing heat wave in Europe has reportedly led to 3,000 deaths in France. While neighboring countries called on military forces to help deal with the problem, France has been busy drafting a United Nations proposal asking the local climate to refrain from being so hot.
NASA unveiled plans on Monday to return humans to the moon by 2018 at a cost of $104 billion as recently demanded by President Bush. One anonymous member of congress commented, “I think we need to form a commission and find out who is responsible for, sometime during his latest vacation, letting our Commander-In-Chief watch Apollo 13 on DVD.”
Still working damage control, Senator Trent Lott recently appeared on Black Entertainment Television to apologize for recent racially insensitive comments. While many viewers found his thirty-minute speech unconvincing, the Senate Republican leader generally received high marks for his introductory break-dance routine.
Police in London arrested five people on Saturday for allegedly plotting to kidnap Spice Girl Victoria Beckham and hold her for a $7.8 million ransom. In a related note, authorities are still investigating the theft of the group’s music career.
A report in the December 2007 issue of Animal Behavior claims male monkeys pay for sex with grooming services. After a twenty month observation of the monkeys, one researcher concluded, “Despite the rather conclusive evidence that monkeys pay for these services, we still advise the general public to avoid monkeys who try to pay for sex with a personal check.”
The bitter divorce proceedings of the Gosselin family, famous for their reality show “John and Kate Plus Eight,” continue to play out in the media tabloids. When asked for a comment on the situation, a high level employee of the network anonymously commented, “When divorce proceedings turn ugly like this the judicial system needs to focus on what is best for the children. We strongly believe sole custody should be given to the TLC network. I mean, come on, have you seen the parents lately? They have both gone bat-shit crazy. And this would fit nicely into our plan for our new reality show ‘Eight’.”
China’s first man in space said the Earth looked beautiful from his orbiting capsule but he couldn’t find the Great Wall. “I tried to see it,” Yang Liwei told reporters, “but when I booked the flight I could only get an aisle seat. The gentleman next to the window closed the blind so he could take a nap.”