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Nasal Probes, Kinetics Race, Maury the dog, going on a cruise, writer's strike
UPS Super Bowl Commercial
Inflatable Girlfriend Infomercial
Battlestar Galactica, Kinetics, trip to Vegas
Introduction-- Are You Too Normal?
Text of parade Skit for the 2006 Kinetics
Robot Neighbors, Kinetics definitions, future plans
New television, two weddings, Garden State movie, the Pina Colada song, and a new Whose Line is it Anyway.
A shorter version of the original
Fake infomercial about a new drug to make you happy! Suggestion for an American Chopper commercial.
Captain Picard and Commander Data host the 263rd season of MTv's The Real World
Nativity Scene, moving into townhouse, getting a satellite dish
Getting kicked out, Netflix, buying a house
Soup thief, Hairspray, Comedy club, surprise party
Saltine peanut butter sandwiches, car breaking down, street names, driving at UPS.
Presidential Debate of movies including Star Wars, Top Gun and Schindler's List
PBS Home improvment series addresses the drug issue.
Kristin's birthday present, ecstasy commercials.
Iron Chef in Amsterdam. Special Ingredient: Marijuana
New Television Series
Floods, taffy pulling, Stanley Hotel, The Shining
Visiting my sister over Christmas
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Non-Liberal Weather Report
Kristin's Missing Finger
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Dog dreams, going to the dog park
Chapter From Book
Dogs Playing Poker (Chapter of book)
Shaving my head
Dog sitting for a week
The birth of the Internet, Gallagher, James Earl Jones
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, CDs, Kool-Aid
Operating Systems, Teddy Ruxpin
Divide, Woodland Park, Conoco Stations, Police
Kinetics Race, Rocky Horror, watching people's stuff
Super Walmart, mowing the lawn, planting new garden
Gardening, taking stuff to the dump.
Moving to Loveland, Colorado, renting a moving truck.
How to make TV better
Barrius 3
Chapter 7
Life on Barrius 3
Adventures In Space: Chapter 5
Situation Comedy review of the year
Road Trip, playing with kids, Hockey
Preparing for the Olympics
Brian's girlfriend, hanging out in Paris, staying out all night
Being sick, sleepwalking
Qwest, phone calls, privacy, Holland, new area codes
People I annoy: Kathleen (shower singing), Brian (Laser Tag), my mom (lots of things), readers (typos)
Movie sequel to seven
Driving sister to airport, accident, automobile improvements
Spelling errors, Writing, Habitat For Humanity, Minnesota, Christmas Shopping
High school prom, women and Taco Bell, buying cars and food
Visiting relatives, birthday party, cardboard boxes, karaoke, fixing lamps
War on Terrorism, Where is Osama Bin Laden hiding?, Osama and Sadam chatting on the phone.
The value of Pi, Britney Spears, office duct tape expereince
Dishwasher, kitchen games, and going to the gym
Stolen Art In Boulder
Fixing my car, getting a new battery
Invisible Mom 2, Calculators, Telephones, other strange thoughts.
Chapter 4: Captain gets a medical examination
Chapter 3: Getting the Captain to cooperate
Chapter 2: Captian on the Bridge
Chapter 1. The Captain's door. Talking about the space anomaly.
IBM, Where's the Beef, building computers, BIOS chip
Video games, Atari 2600, Commodore 64
Blinking lights, Spinning tape drives, a cheap shot at Carnie Wilson, and the movie 2001.
Trip to Germany, Scott walking fast, dealing with the car, castles
Trip to Berlin
Vacation in Europe
The Eniac Computer
Groundhog getting trapped on my patio
Dark Ages, Looms, Space Monkeys
Exotic Pets, Boulder City Council
Roman Numerals, Abacus
Squishy ball, severe rectal itch, breast implants
dot com, relationships, singing telegrams
Computers, fingers, pyrimids, toes
Santa, Algebra, Geometry, Chocolate Eclairs
Dave Barry, algebra class, stalking
Kinetics race, watermelon bras
Taco Bell, Algebra class, college, Amsterdam, Taco Bell song
More interview questions with Ertok
Karaoke
Voyager ending, bugging my sister about it, possible endings
Date of Easter, hunting eggs, the effect on kids
Fondue, vacuum cleaners, Tiddy Bowl, animatronic robots
Sleeping, Hawaii, Holland, lounge singer, singing in the shower
Krispy Kreme opening, vacuuming my porch
the pace of life, traffic devices in Boulder
car laser tag story
reasons behind riots in Boulder, Colorado including parking problems, raves, and football games
Board games, laser tag, rotisserie cookers
An interview with one of the Evil Alien Overlords that runs this place
Internet time, unemployment, what women want, excessive alcohol consumption, making an ass out of myself, COPS TV show.
Explanation of the site, Ertok the Evil Alien Overlord.
Eye surgery, skiing, Habitat For Humanity, motorcycle, quitting job, speeding ticket, future goals
Thoughts about taking pennies out of circulation.
Flight home from Europe, 10 reasons to come home, 10 reasons to stay in Holland, Cheeze Its, back to school, web site contributions.
Amsterdam, public transportation, parking spots, weather, McDonald's womens' bathroom incident, MTV Europe, vital statistics.
Dad dying, company ski trip, San Francisco business trip, cleaning the house, more school.
Quitting job, Indianapolis 500, School, new job, technical support, various acomplishments.
Graduating from college, finding a job, working at a computer company, finding the meaning of life, interesting Avalanche game, buying a condo, math paper.
College, being a tutor, trip to dentist, family status, girlfriend status, graduation plans, heartworms.


ADDITIONAL STORIES
Most Recent: Most Read:


ADVENTURES IN SPACE
Chapter 1
Omar Lutfey

The First Lieutenant walked briskly over to the Captain’s sleeping quarters. Stopping a meter or so in front of the entrance, the Lieutenant examined the fine detail of the door. The planks of cherry wood showed their age with small cracks starting at the top and bottom and gradually working their way to the center of the door. The sturdy, oversized brass hinges kept the door in place despite the inevitable color change as the process of oxidation changed the chemical composition of the metal. The large ring of solid steel that served as a knocking device gave the door an imposing presence.

All of this would have been perfectly normal on an eighteenth century three masted schooner bravely sailing across the Atlantic ocean defending the colonial interests of the British empire. However, this ship was a twenty fourth century science vessel designed to function in the near vacuum of space.



RANDOM STORY HIGHLIGHTS
One Ecstatic Birthday
Sphere of Influence....

It turns out that blowing soap bubbles is a common activity for people high on ecstasy, also known on the street as “E.” Or is it “X”? Well, the word ecstasy doesn’t even contain the letter X, so now I’m not quite sure. And why do the letters “CS” make an “X” sound?

Eight: Moderately Annoying Sins
The premise of the movie "seven"....

Kevin Spacey plays John Doe: an adorable, bald, deranged religious zealot who kills people that exhibit one of the seven deadly sins (envy, rage, greed, apathy, misdirection, and poor math skills).

The Silver Screams
Presidential Debate....

I’m sure my opponent will try and change the subject with all kinds of facts relating to how I have been running this country over the past three years. But first I would like to point out that Mr. Lieberman shares more than a passing resemblance to Star Wars' Senator Palpatine.

Men and Women
Cleaning up....

With the possible exception of my mother, I’ll be one of the first people to admit I’m currently an unmotivated, unemployed bachelor who enjoys the irony of watching ESPN while eating potato chips and repressing any fleeting thoughts about cleaning up my surroundings.



LETTER TO THE EDITOR

Sent by: Rose on June 10, 2004 :

i am looking for your detailed instructions on how to make a watermelon bra. I have to play a south sea islander in a play--and I was going to wear a coconut bra but they dont come in DD. where are these alleged instructions?
Coconuts are only to be used for pre-teens and anorexic supermodels. Complete instructions will be made available when my own personal Kinetics craft is finished.

Send a letter to the editor:

Signed:


RANDOM QUIPS

Flights of Fancy
August 13, 2003 Omar Lutfey

The Hong Kong based Blue Box Toys company announced plans to distribute a one-foot-tall GI Joe doll of the president called "Elite Force Aviator: George W. Bush-- U.S. President and Naval Aviator." A spokesperson for the company commented, "We are excited to release this new doll, especially after the marketing department killed plans for a 'National Guard Deserter-- you can't spell AWOL without a Dubya' childrens toy."



Undertaking In Iraq
July 1, 2003 Omar Lutfey

President Bush recently declared that rebuilding Iraq will be a "massive and long-term undertaking." The White House Press Secretary elaborated, "To put this in perspective, it is way more important than rebuilding our nation's economy, but slightly less important than rebuilding the President's re-election war chest."



Music Notes
December 16, 2002 Omar Lutfey

Singer David Lee Roth is suing his former Van Halen band mates. The suit alleges members of the band robbed him of royalty money through a 1996 contract with Warner Bros. When asked about the legal proceedings, Roth said, "Woooo! I'm back in the spotlight, and ready to ROCK!!!"



In Television News
January 20, 2003 Omar Lutfey

Fox announced plans today for yet another high-profile reality show. Twenty teenage female contestants will compete against each other for a year long contract to help promote maxi pads, tampons, and other feminine hygiene products. When asked how long this reality show theme can go on, one high ranking network official replied, "While the general public has several options with this genre, we strongly believe we have a hit concept with 'American Midol.'"




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