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Internet Grandeur: The Story of Newfunny.com


ADDITIONAL STORIES
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ADVENTURES IN SPACE
Chapter 1
Omar Lutfey

The First Lieutenant walked briskly over to the Captain’s sleeping quarters. Stopping a meter or so in front of the entrance, the Lieutenant examined the fine detail of the door. The planks of cherry wood showed their age with small cracks starting at the top and bottom and gradually working their way to the center of the door. The sturdy, oversized brass hinges kept the door in place despite the inevitable color change as the process of oxidation changed the chemical composition of the metal. The large ring of solid steel that served as a knocking device gave the door an imposing presence.

All of this would have been perfectly normal on an eighteenth century three masted schooner bravely sailing across the Atlantic ocean defending the colonial interests of the British empire. However, this ship was a twenty fourth century science vessel designed to function in the near vacuum of space.



RANDOM STORY HIGHLIGHTS
Dog Park
Penn and Teller....

When Penn leaves the room all that is left is a curly haired mute fellow wearing a suit quietly preparing for the moment when he will extract his revenge on his cruel comedy partner.

How Computers Work: Part 4
More on Eniac....

Despite incredible advances in the field of computers, much of the behavior of the Eniac system is to this day not completely understood. For example, when an error occurred in a program, the system would calmly and confidently instruct the Navy to launch every long range missile at the five richest kings of Prussia.

Kids, Don't Try This At Home
Car Problems....

When I connected the clamp to my battery, the (prepare for highly specialized automotive terminology) “wire thingy” fell off of the battery. I’ve never designed or conducted failure analysis on automobile batteries, but I could hear this voice telling me that something might be wrong with this piece of equipment. The voice turned out to be coming from Scott, the guy who was helping me get my car started.

Mom, I want to grow up and be a lounge singer
People I like....

I do not posses the background in behavioral science to explain this aspect of my psyche, but in my travels around the world I’ve discovered a strange admiration of lounge singers.



LETTER TO THE EDITOR

Sent by: Rose on June 10, 2004 :

i am looking for your detailed instructions on how to make a watermelon bra. I have to play a south sea islander in a play--and I was going to wear a coconut bra but they dont come in DD. where are these alleged instructions?
Coconuts are only to be used for pre-teens and anorexic supermodels. Complete instructions will be made available when my own personal Kinetics craft is finished.

Send a letter to the editor:

Signed:


RANDOM QUIPS

In Exotic Motorcycle News
January 8, 2003 Omar Lutfey

Dodge recently unveiled a new prototype motorcycle. Sitting on four wheels and sporting a 10 cylinder Viper engine, the machine can accelerate from 0 to 60 in 2.5 seconds and has an estimated top speed of 400 miles per hour. A slightly less impressive statistic was recorded, however, when the vehicle had to stop for refueling midway through the quarter mile.



Tex-Ass Rangers
June 26, 2003 Omar Lutfey

The U.S. Supreme Court declared unconstitutional a Texas "homosexual conduct" law which imposes a $500 fine for same-sex couples who engage in oral and anal sex. When asked about President Bush's views on the matter, soon-to-be ex-White House Spokesman Ari Fleischer commented, "The President is actually quite pleased with this decision. Now nobody on Capitol Hill can complain after the next election when all those Democrats in Congress take it up the ass."



Twenty-five
November 6, 2002 Omar Lutfey

The non-traditional action series "24" is back for another season on the Fox network. The first season documented a single twenty-four hour period of the main character's life that included, among other things, foiling an assassination attempt on a presidential candidate. The first ten episodes of this season are focusing on Kiefer Sutherland enjoying a decent night's sleep.



Better than the maze
July 25, 2006 Omar Lutfey

Having a cigarette while drinking may reduce the effects of the alcohol, scientists suggest - but the tests have only been carried out on rats so far. The lead scientist explained, "we did everything within reason to create a nice bar scene for the rats, but when all was said and done it wasn't much more than a little hole in wall-- literally."




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