Category Archives: My Skit Scripts

These are all my ideas for sketch comedy routines. Put them all together and it would make at least two solid episodes of Saturday Night Live.

Get Ducked

An older man is sitting in an over-sized chair. “My name is Steve, and I am the product manager here at the Select Comfort’s Sleep Number bed product line.  While our product line has been an amazing success over the years, we are always looking for new ways to improve our customer’s sleep experience. I recently received a letter in the mail that pointed out a way in which we can improve our award-winning beds.”

My husband and I both love our sleep number bed.  I keep my side at 25 and he sets his side at 85.  We both sleep well all the time.  The only problem is that sometimes at night we like to play some “adult” games, and having both sides set to the same number for a short time would really help.  Can you help us out here?

“I understand your problem. Suppose you are playing a game of ‘duck, duck, goose.'”

Switches to a shot of a man and a woman on their bed in their pajamas.  The husband is sitting in the middle of the bed and the wife is behind him touching him on the head saying “duck” each time.  Suddenly she yells “goose” and starts running in a small circle on the bed.  The husband gets up to chase her, but once he steps on the soft side of the bed he losses his balance and flies off the bed at a 45 degree angle.

“Now who wants that to happen to them when they are getting goosed?”  The man in the chair asked.

“To solve this problem we have added additional buttons to the sleep number controllers which we have called the ‘duck’ buttons.  Once configured, the ‘duck on’ button will bring both sides of the bed to the same preset pressure.”

The woman and man are in bed.  The man is asleep.  The woman reaches over and touches him gently on the shoulder.  He wakes up and looks at her.  She smiles and ever so slightly raises her eyebrow.  He smiles back at her.  She reaches for something under the covers and pulls out a game of Jenga.  They both jump out from under the covers and start setting up the game in the middle of the bed.  They are about to start playing, and then she remembers to hit the ‘duck on’ button.

A different woman is sleeping in her bed.  A man comes into the room.  He is unshaven, has a significant pot belly, and has just finished a can of beer.  The throws the empty can in the corner of the room and gets into bed.   He looks over at his wife and grabs his controller to hit the ‘duck on’ button.  The wife wakes up and realizes what is going on in the bed.  She reaches over to her controller and hits the ‘duck off’ button.  The bed returns to the original settings. 

“Hitting the ‘duck off’ button can be used to express an unwillingness to play games in bed, in addition to resetting the bed at the end of the game.” the man in the chair explained.  “So from everyone here at Sleep Number, have a good night sleep after you get ducked.”

Iron Chef: Amsterdam

Announcer: Welcome to the premiere of Traveling Iron Chef. While Chiarman Kaga Takeshi’s “Kitchen Stadium” vision remains a fixture of Japanese culture, he recently gave a direct order to his younger brother, Lou. Instead of bumming around Kaga’s apartment watching television all day, Lou has been instructed to travel to the ends of the earth in an effort to discover more Iron Chefs. Moving through the countryside with an army of helpers and a scaled down “moderately equipped kitchen tent,” Lou searches for an answer to the eternal question, “Whose cuisine will reign supreme?”

Lou: We have traveled many moons from our homeland, and today we are broadcasting from the European country of Holland. Two local culinary artists will go in, but only one will come out with the title, “Iron Chef Amsterdam!” And now, the moment you have all been waiting for… today’s secret ingredient is… MARIJUANA!

Announcer: The marijuana plant, also known as hemp, cannabis, pot, grass, or weed, is one of the most rugged forms of flora known to mankind. Able to grow in almost any climate, marijuana has become a plant of choice for “amateur horticulturists” around the world. The non-flowering section can be used to produce cloth that is both durable and environmentally friendly. While using the bud of the plant as a cooking ingredient is not commonplace, a movement that can almost be described at underground has evolved to help promote marijuana consumption. Despite all this, the plant in question remains illegal in many parts of the world—due in large part to intensive tobacco company lobbying efforts.

Lou: To help judge the creations of our two Iron Chef candidates, we have three well-known members of Japanese society: Sumi, a young female actress from a popular soap opera, Typo, a fifty-five year old journalist, and Shooki, a new age psychic. They will be evaluating two highly respected Dutch chefs, Willhelm and Hansel. Chefs– you have one hour, starting now!

Sumi: I am very excited to be here. Hee hee hee.

Announcer: It appears that Chef Willhelm is preparing thinly-sliced duck breast for his first entrée.

Typo: I am an old, old man. And I am very good at complaining about things. This is why I am on the show so often.

Announcer: Well, this is quite amazing! Chef Willhelm is lighting a large pile of the marijuana on fire in order to SMOKE the duck breast. He is instructing one of the assistants to keep the smoke going at a constant rate. Chef Hansel is preparing chocolate and sugar. I think he is going to make some sort of a dessert.

Sumi: The tent is filling up with smoke. I kind of like it… I feel all tickly. Hee hee hee.

Shooki: Yes, I feel as though the spirits of 1000 dead relatives are inside my body dancing around and having a party.

Announcer: I’m not sure what the chefs are doing, but they are being very deliberate about their actions now. Perhaps they are contemplating their next dish. Someone had better tell them they only have one hour to complete the competition!

Typo: I find this smoke to be highly irregular. The secret ingredient should be in our tummies, and not in our lungs– very unusual. Am I talking too much? I feel as though the words are coming out of my mouth with much less effort than usual.

Shooki: I never found old, whiney Japanese men attractive until just now. Typo, can I touch your hand for a moment?

Typo: I am flattered, Shooki, but I must inform you that I called the front desk and had some hookers come up to my hotel room to pleasure me before the show. Did you know they can just add it to your room service bill? Are these thoughts in my head, or are they escaping out of my mouth?

Announcer: After spending the past five minutes staring at the top of the tent and smiling, chef Willhelm has sprung into action. He is getting something out of his pocket. It appears to be a cellular phone. Who could he be calling?

Shooki: I believe he is trying to get in touch with one of his deceased parents.

Typo: You are being foolish, Shooki. You can’t call dead people on a telephone. Where would the phone company send the bill?

Announcer: We have gotten more details from the cooking area. It appears Willhelm has called for pizza to be delivered to the tent. Extra pepperoni and bread sticks are the order. But will it get here fast enough? In the mean time, Hansel has finished baking brownies, and, if I’m not mistaken, just broke open a box of Hagelslag, or literally “chocolate hail.” This Dutch delicacy is generally used as a bread topping instead of cheese or jam.

Sumi: Chocolate hail? Is the tent going to hold up okay? Hee hee hee… snort! Snort! SNORT!

Announcer: Chef Hansel has just filled his mouth with Hagelslag. Now he is laughing uncontrollably and it appears the tiny pieces of chocolate are coming out his nose.

Lou: Competitors, your time is up!

Announcer: It has been quite an unsual hour. Chef Willhelm, please explain your dishes.

Chef Willhelm: I was planning on making a smoked duck dish, but my assistant got too high from the marijuana smoke and fell asleep under the table. So, as a backup plan, I had pizza delivered. Unless the delivery guy screwed up, it should be pepperoni. Unfortunately, I ate the bread sticks during the commercial.

Typo: I like the taste of the pizza, but if I am not mistaken, there is no direct connection with the special ingredient. Also, it feels as though the food getting larger in my mouth the more I chew it. Is that happening to anyone else?

Shooki: I see dead people! Get it? I’m being funny. It’s from that movie a few years ago– the one with the little kid.

Announcer: And now, Chef Hansel, tell us what you have done here.

Chef Hansel: Well, I don’t know about everyone else, but I got really stoned when what’s-his-name lit that big pile of pot on fire. But I’m used to it, so I made my favorite pot brownies. Oh yeah, and I’m sorry about the Hagelslag coming out my nose… it just seemed like a good idea at the time.

Typo: I think this dish truly enhances the flavor of the marijuana. Please do not be insulted that I didn’t try any of it– I’m saving it for the hookers in my hotel room.

Shooki: Can I go with you? I’ve never seen hookers before. How much do they cost?

Typo: It depends on what you want. You can ask them when we get back to the hotel.

Sumi: You are cute, so I’m going to give you a lot of points. Hee hee hee.

Announcer: The competition is complete. Who is going to be Iron Chef Amsterdam?

Lou: Sumi awarded Chef Hansel twenty points. Typo and Shooki seemed to have left without turning in their scorecards. So I guess the winner is… Iron Chef Hansel. Yeah, yeah, yeah, now hand me one of those brownies. And does anyone here have any Pink Floyd? I could really go for some Dark Side of the Moon right about now…

Back to the Future, Part 4

Marty walks into the empty lab with no sign of either Doc or his four legged friend Einstein.  Marty straps on his guitar and plugs it into the large amplifier.  A UPS truck wildly pulls into the garage just as Marty begins to play. For no obvious reason the vehicle is covered in ice and steam. An old man in a UPS uniform and a scruffy dog exit the truck.  Marty sets down the guitar and cautiously investigates the situation.

“Doc– where have you been?” Marty asks.

The Doc looks down at his watch and yells, “Great Scott!  I didn’t realize how long I’ve been gone.”

Marty looks at the Doc’s clothes and with a puzzled look on his face asks, “What’s up with the new clothes?”

“You see Marty, I decided to make a change in my life, so I signed up to be a seasonal UPS driver.”

“Well, at least you aren’t messing with that time machine anymore.  That thing was nothing but trouble.”

“I know Marty, but I’ve finally figured out how to make it work!” The Doc explains as he gestures towards the UPS truck.

“You built a time machine out of a UPS TRUCK?”

“No, no, no, Marty.  I’ve realized the problems encountered when changing the timeline for one’s own personal agenda.  So I took the original design and made some key modifications.  You are now looking at the worlds first ON TIME MACHINE!”

“What?”

“No time to explain– just put this on.” The Doc orders as he throws a UPS vest at Marty.  “We’ve got work to do!”

The Doc starts organizing packages in the back and after putting on the vest, Marty looks at the truck and runs toward the front hood.  He tries to jump on the hood and slide over to the driver side, but the hood is too high up and at a steep angle.  He rolls across the front bumper several times awkwardly before falling to the ground.

The Doc, too busy organizing packages to notice what just happened, warned Marty, “By the way, don’t try that dramatic sliding across the hood trick.  The height and average angle of the hood is not conducive to entering the vehicle in that manner.  A more practical method of entering and exiting the vehicle is to use three points of contact.”

“Point taken Doc.” Marty says as he brushes the off his clothes and gets into the passenger side of the truck.  “So why are we doing this anyway?”

“Marty, I’ve discovered that key points in history have been negatively impacted by packages not being delivered on time.  If we can fix these anomalies once and for all we can restore the original intent of the timeline.  All we have to do is travel back in time a make the deliveries when they were originally supposed to take place.”  The Doc explains as he starts up the engine.  The vehicle rumbles to life and rolls outside.  It gains speed going down the road.  Soon a bright light flashes and they all disappear– the only evidence of their presence is lingering flames from the tires.

TO BE CONTINUED…

The B-Team

A woman drives up to a gas station, gets out of her car, and starts pumping gas. A ringing noise is heard coming from her pocket. She pulls out a cell phone and starts talking.

“Hello? Yes. Yes. No. That’s not what he told me. I don’t know why he said that. I know. Yes, this is going to be a problem. Don’t worry, I’ll figure something out. I’m not sure what I’ll do right now.”

A group of four men quietly walk up behind the woman.

The leader of the group solidly rests his hand on the woman’s shoulder and announces, “Congratulations, ma’am, you just hired ‘The B-Team.’”

“Who are you freaks, and why are you sneaking up behind total strangers at the local Loaf ‘n Jug?” the woman asked after she sprayed a healthy does of concentrated pepper spray in their general direction.

“The name is Melvin,” the man said as he curled up into the fetal position while clutching his face in agony. “Gary, the pepper spray is constricting my throat–how about you finish the introductions?”

“Don’t blow your big chance,” Gary said quietly to himself as he stepped to the front of the group. “In 1998 a group of four total strangers was arrested for jaywalking in Bismarck, North Dakota. After paying a nominal fine, these men promptly left town while muttering profanities under their breath. Today, not really wanted by anyone in particular, and not having any extraordinary skills, these men attempt to eek out a living imitating their favorite 1980’s television series. If you have a problem, and can’t outrun them, you are pretty much stuck with the B-Team.”

Gary looks back at the rest of his team and whispers, “HELLO! You two were supposed to hum the theme song during that part.”

“HELLO! We were busy helping Melvin breathe-— is that OK, Mr., ummm, In Charge Wizard Guy?”

Gary, not sure what to do next, compliments them on saving Melvin, and then turns back to the woman. “So does that clear things up?”

The woman cautiously puts down the spray. “OK, suppose for a minute I believe your story, Gary. Why are you standing here in your underwear?”

“Oh, that.” Gary clears his throat and continues, “I want to get into the modeling business, so I figured I’ll display myself until we save the life of a perky young lady who just happens to work for the underwear department of Sears. Then she will have to give me a shot in their catalog. It all works out pretty well since I’m the team pretty boy.”

The woman looks Gary over and tries to conceal a puzzled look. “Well, I maybe if you lost some weight and worked on your complexion…”

Melvin gets back up and regains his composure. “Good thinking there, Vance, and Band-Aid– you really came through for me. Look here lady, we can pummel Gary’s self esteem all day, but that isn’t going to solve your problem. Wait a minute, you haven’t told us your problem yet. That pepper spray disrupted our usual routine. Does your situation involve the Mafia? Or maybe drug lords taking over your family farm?”

“Nothing that exciting– I ordered a new cell phone, but I’ve waited two weeks and it has yet to show up. I’m getting to the point where I’m going to call the phone company and complain.”

Melvin shook his head and smiled. “Young lady, you have a lot to learn about how the phone company works. Here is what you are going to do. Gary– put on some clothes and start dating Catherine Zeta-Jones. Vance, I need you to find out everything you can about cellular phones. And finally, Band-Aid, I need you to modify the van somehow.”

“I threw away all my clothes when I decided to be an underwear model.” Gary said.

“No hablas inglés.” Vance pronounced.

“You Fool! Our van broke down in Nebraska, and we couldn’t afford the repair bill.” Band-Aid yelled out.

“And look,” Gary pointed to a Greyhound Bus. “Our ride to Chicago is about to leave! If we don’t get on, we are going to be stuck at this gas station until tomorrow afternoon. And all our stuff is on the bus too!”

Melvin turns to the woman apologetically. “I’m sorry we couldn’t get to the bottom of this, but we are a team on the run– for our bus, in this case.”

“That’s OK. At least I know my pepper spray works,” the woman replied sympathetically.

The four men start running for the bus as it heads out of the gas station. Melvin gets on last, and stops for a moment at the door. He pulls out a container of chewing tobacco and puts a large wad in his mouth. He takes one last look at the woman at the gas station, and proclaims, “I love it when a plan comes together enough that we don’t get arrested.”

Suddenly Melvin starts chocking and chunks of moist chewing tobacco are seen flying out of his mouth. He loses his balance and falls off the bus—-which just keeps going.

I originally posted this on Feb 25, 2003, but I decided to put it back on top after seeing the trailer for “The A Team” movie coming out this summer.  This is still one of my favorite sketch type posts.

I could write for Robot Chicken too!

 

I’m a big fan of Robot Chicken on the Cartoon Network.  It combines stop motion animation with CGI to create short (sometimes just a few seconds) sketch comedy.  Here are two ideas for very short skits:

A courtroom setting.  An older woman in a black leather jacket is on the witness stand being questioned by the defense lawyer.

“Miss Jett, could you please read to the jury the first sentence of your own account of how this all got started?” the lawyer asks.

Joan Jett sighs, and replies, “I saw him dancing there by the record machine, I knew he must a been about seventeen.”

“And are you aware of the statutory rape laws in this state?”

My second idea:

The nerd is running around inside Doctor Who’s violently shaking tardis, pushing various buttons, and pulling different levers in a desperate attempt to get it working.

Outside three high school bullies are shaking a port-o-let.  One of them yells, “You’ve got to come out sometime, nerd!”

Inside the nerd is pleading with the tardis, “We must quickly depart from these time space coordinates!”

Ouside the bullies are losing interest, so they all get behind the port-o-let and tip it over so that the door is facing the ground.  Then they walk away.   The nerd tries to open the door to get out, but is stuck inside.  He dejectedly comments, “I’m trapped inside my very own time machine!”  Soon sewage starts leaking out the sides and the nerd adds,  “and the Tardis is leaking trans-matter fluid.”

The Dukes of Hazzard

the_dukes_of_hazzard_largeBoss Hogg, after having finished an absurdly large lunch in the back room of the Boar’s Nest, looks out the window at Bo and Luke Duke in the General Lee doing doughnuts in the parking lot before driving away.  “Those Duke boys have been a thorn in my side all day long!”

Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane walks over to the table of dirty dishes an tenatively replies, “Well, Boss, I did see you drop a deep fried chicken wing bewteen your ample stomach and the chair during breakfast.  Maybe that’s what is causing your discomfort.”  Rosco tenatively reaches in to extract the piece of food, but before he can get close enough Boss Hogg slaps Rosco’s hand with a large butter knife.

“Get away from me you idiot!” Boss Hogg yells as he starts to twist and squirm in his chair.   After a few absurdly strained attempts Boss Hogg finally grasps the wing and immediately starts devouring it.

“Well, that did help a little bit,” Boss Hogg admitted, “but I still want to get rid of those Duke boys once and for all.  We need a plan, Rosco.”

Rosco thought for a minute and then replied, “What if we planted something on the Duke’s farm to make it look like they were producing illegal drugs?”

Boss Hogg thought about it for a moment.  “I like your thinking Rosco, but there is no way we could convince the honorable Judge Buford Potts the Dukes are dealing drugs.  Buford Potts and Jessie Duke have been fishing buddies since they were both little kids.”

“Dang it!” Rosco yelled.  He looked over at his assistant reading some type of legal book.  “Enos!  Stop reading that comic book and help us take down the Duke family!”

Enos looked up and said, “Well, golly, Rosco, I was just reading about new legal developments in Civil Asset Forfieture.  We don’t need any proof to take all their stuff, we just need a suspicion that they are doing something bad, like growing Mara-wa-hanna on their farm.  We could even ask for Federal assistance.”

Boss Hogg smiles and yells excitedly, “This will get those Dukes out of Hazzard county!” as small pieces of chewed up chicken wing land on Rosco’s clothes.

The next day a squad car and Boss Hogg’s white Cadillac drive up to the Duke’s house.  Rosco, Enos, Boss Hog, and a Federal agent step out of the vehicles.  The entire Duke family storms out of the house.  Uncle Jessie yells, “What is the meaning of this?  We haven’t done anything wrong and you know it.”

Boss Hogg prods Rosco, who pulls a paper out of his pocket and starts reading, “Jessie Duke, you and your family have been accused of growing, transporting, and selling maraijuana.  All of your assets and personal belongings are now legal property of the Hazzard County Sheriff’s Department.”

Uncle Jessie is infuriated.  “Just wait until Judge Potts hears about this.  This little plan is going to backfire on you Boss Hogg.”

Rosco turns to the Federal agent.  “You see here, Mister, uhhh….”

“Smith,” the agent replied.

“Mr. Smith,” Rosco continued, “here is what happened.  My assistant Enos was performing surveillance on this farm a few nights ago when he observed a large number of marijuana plants growing behind the chicken coop.”

Daisy piped up, “You mean when Enos was snooping around trying to watch me take a shower with his night vision goggles?”

Everyone looked at Enos as he looked down awkwardly at the ground making small circles in the dirt with his right foot.

Boss Hogg broke the silence by explaining, “during the observation, Enos was detected by Miss Duke.  She obviously applied her womanly abilities on him in order to obtain details of the upcoming raid.”

With an odd blank look on his face Enos stared off to the distance and said, to nobody in particular, “I want to see Daisy’s womanly abilities….”

Rosco interrupted Enos, “which is how they managed to remove all the evidence before the raid!”

Everyone started arguing at once.  After a minute, Agent Smith spoke up, “I’ve heard enough!”  He reached for his two-way radio and gave an order.  A minute later several unmarked black Suburbans drive up and helicopters land behind the barn.  Heavily armed agents dressed head to toe in black clothing start swarming the area.

Two agents tip over the chicken coop.  A few run into the house and come out wearing pairs of Daisy’s cut off jeans.  A team of agents run towards the General Lee with welding equipment.  Sparks start flying and the agents are giving each other high fives when they get the doors to open and close correctly.  The crew from MTV’s “Pimp My Ride” go after Uncle Jessie’s old pickup.  They paint it, add 10 television sets, and drive it away.

Rosco hooks up the General Lee to the back of Boss Hogg’s Cadillac.  The Duke family is standing in front of the house not knowing what to do.  Boss Hogg gets behind the wheel as Rosco and Agent Smith get in the back seat.  As Boss Hogg pulls away with the General Lee, Agent Smith starts playing a guitar and sings:

Framed the old Duke Boys
For growing pot by the barn
The best Hazzard ever saw
They evaded the law since the day they was born

Daisy’s got some nice curves
Bo and Luke look good too
That should help when they are broke
On the streets begging for food

Boss Hogg wanted them out
But he didn’t know how
That is until the feds gave the
Fourth Amendment a bow

So no more good Duke Boys
No more General Lee
Crushed by abuse in a system
They couldn’t even see

A Word From Our Sponsors

No, newfunny.com doesn’t have any sponsors.  Not that I would mind someone giving me money for something that I’m already doing for free.  “A Word From Our Sponsors” is my idea for another television reality show.  I’ve worked for UPS for seven years now, and in that time I’ve come up with several ideas for what I think would be great commercials.  Unfortunately, UPS doesn’t accept unsolicited marketing concepts– even from it’s own employees.  With some 400,000 employees, I guess I can understand their position.  This is where “A Word From Our Sponsors” comes into play.

Instead of having commercials in between the show, the show is all about making commercials for specific products, and there aren’t any traditional commercial breaks.  The show starts off with 30 contestants:  10 writers, 10 directors, and 10 graphics specialists.  Each week, teams are randomly assigned with one person from each of the three groups.  At the beginning of the week the CEO of a company makes a presentation about a certain product they would like to promote.  Then each team of three has until the end of the week to come up with an idea for a 30 second commercial, film it, and add any needed computer graphics.  Next all the teams are brought back together with the sponsor to view the results.  Each team gets to score all the other team’s finished product.  The sponsor gets to decide if he wants to “buy” any of the commercials.  If the sponsor purchases a team’s submission the team automatically gets to go on to the next week.  The team with the lowest score gets eliminated.  The next week everything starts over.  The remaining people are randomly assigned new teams, and a new CEO and product line is introduced.

The show should be geared to encourage “outside the box” concepts that are funny, non-traditional, and memorable.  Here are examples of the UPS commercials I’ve thought of:

So, if you are reading this and happen to be the CEO of General Electric or Viacom give me a call and we can work something out.  If you are a nobody, don’t call me– I’ve got a truckload of packages that need to get delivered before I can go home for the night.