Category Archives: My Skit Scripts

These are all my ideas for sketch comedy routines. Put them all together and it would make at least two solid episodes of Saturday Night Live.

Lord of the Rings– Alternate Ending

Gandolf, having just said goodbye to Bilbo Baggins, is sitting by the fire contemplating his next move.

Frodo comes in the front door, picks up the ring from the floor and walks over to Gandolf.

The wizard looks at the young hobbit and in a grave voice states, “Frodo, this ring is a source of unimaginable evil. You must take the ring to the fires of Mount Doom—the only place where it can be destroyed. It will be a dangerous mission, but the fate of all Middle Earth is in your hands. I won’t lie to you, Frodo Baggins—you may not survive this torturous journey.”

Frodo looks down at the ring in his hands and back at Gandolf. He gets a big smile on his face and says, “Gandolf, you silly old man. We live in Middle Earth, but that doesn’t mean we must live in the Middle Ages. There is a much easier way.”

Frodo walks over to Bilbo’s office and sits down at a modern-day computer. He starts typing and using the mouse. A moment later a piece of paper comes out of the printer. It is a UPS label addressed to “Mount Doom, Middle Earth” with a note on the top “Delivery instructions: Please deposit this package in the fire pit of Mount Doom (no signature required)”.

Frodo puts the ring in an envelope and applies the UPS label. He walks out of Bag End and looks around. He sees a UPS drop box on the other side of the path and casually walks over to it and deposits the letter.

“Now, Gandolf, lets celebrate with some of that fine shire weed.”

“My dear Frodo Baggins, you are full of surprises.” Gandolf laughed gently as he started loading up the pipe.

A few hours later a UPS truck drives up to the drop box. A driver gets out of the truck and looks at the address on the envelope and gets a resigned look on his face. He reaches for his cell phone and dials a number.

“Hey hon, I’m going to be late…. Yes, I know it’s our anniversary, but I have to go make one last delivery that’s out of my way… Yes… yes… Of course I’ll make it up to you… I know… I’ve got to go now… ok… bye.”

The driver gets back in his truck and drives away. Next it is seen driving by the celebration honoring Bilbo and Frodo’s birthday. Eventually the truck gets to the edge of the shire. It keeps going out of the shire without stopping. The condition of the road keeps getting worse. He makes a right turn and heads straight up a snow covered mountain pass. Eventually the snow is too much and the truck gets stuck in the snow. The driver puts on his jacket, grabs the letter and a backpack, and gets out on foot. He crosses the rest of the pass on foot.
Eventually he comes to the mine and enters it. He is oblivious to the dead bodies that litter the floor. He reaches into his backpack and pulls out a flashlight to guide his way. As he is going through the mines Orcs are shooting arrows at him that miss his head by inches.

When he exits the mine, he sees Mount Doom in front of him. He starts up the mountain with a renewed enthusiasm. He gets to the top and stands at the edge. Right before he throws the package into the fire a strange creature jumps in front of the driver and grabs the envelope.

“My precious!” Gollam shouts. He squats at the driver’s feet trying to get the envelope opened.

“Hey, that doesn’t belong to you!” The driver yelled. He tried to get the envelope back but Gollam wouldn’t let go.

The driver looked around to see if anyone else was watching. He then kicked Gollam, the envelope, and the ring into the fire pit. He looks down at Gollam and yells, “what can brown do for you, bi-otch?”

As the drive walks away he picks up his cell phone starts ringing. “Yeah, I’m done… I don’t know, whatever you want to do is fine. No, everything went okay. See you soon.”

Envigoral Infomercial

Woman: Look at yourself right now. Do you feel tired, depressed, and lethargic? Do you think you deserve more than life has given you? Do you find yourself susceptible to high pressure infomercials? If you answered “yes” or “no” to any of these questions, you need to learn more about Envigoral.

Man walks in: Most people haven’t heard of this new and exciting product due to some minor paperwork issues with the Food and Drug Administration. What we can tell you, however, is that Envigoral contains a unique mix of state-of-the-art drugs, exotic herbs, and various types of filler material.

Woman: When you take a daily supply of Envigoral, the medicine immediately goes to work inside your body.

Cut away to a cartoon outline of a human body. Two dozen blue E’s go into the mouth and move around inside the body.

Man: Once Envigoral is inside your body, it goes to work making every cell in your body just plain feel better! Who doesn’t want to feel better than they are right now? I know I like “better”.

Woman: You would be crazy not to like “better”!

Man continues: How does it work? We could explain it to you, but we are pretty sure you just wouldn’t understand. Just start taking it and you will feel so much better you won’t even care how it works.

Woman: Just swallow the recommended daily allowance of Envigoral each morning….

Camera pans down and shows a clear bowl full of blue refrigerator magnet letter Es.

Woman: It couldn’t be any easier. Your road to recovery starts today!

The woman picks up an E looks at it, then looks at the camera and makes a fake smile. She puts it in her mouth and a second later she starts gagging.

The scene quickly changes to show information on how to order.

Announcer (speaking quickly): Envigoral is not approved by the FDA. Don’t bother consulting your physician before taking Envigoral—its so new he probably hasn’t even heard of it yet. To work properly, Envigoral must be swallowed whole. Chewing this product can result in death. All sales are final. Not responsible for future fraudulent credit card charges. Why would you even think we would have anything to do with that? Geesh! Any questions or concerns should be send with a self addressed stamped envelope along with 30 dollars in cash to Envigoral Corporation, Nigeria, Africa. Don’t worry, it will get there. Order now, and, well, we will get our hands on your money that much faster.

Woman: So stop sitting on your couch wondering why life is passing you by. Lean over, pick up the phone, and dial our 1-900 number right away. Once you place your order, you will be on the road to recovery immediately after the 6-8 week shipping period has elapsed.

Man moves into the shot with a dozen lower case ‘e’ magnets of different colors all around his face, neck, and arms.

Man: If you order now, we will, for a limited time, include the topical cream at no extra charge. If you don’t we will come to your house and/or place of business and harass you in highly unethical ways. That’s the Envigoral guarantee!

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American Chopper Commercial

Two marketing guys are at one end of a long table discussing options for upcoming episodes. The first one says, “We could kill off Paul Sr this season.”

The other one replies, “You realize this is a reality show?”

They sit there awkwardly for a moment looking at each other. One is nervously tapping a pen on the end of the table. Slowly they both look over to the other end of the table out of the camera’s view.

A different camera shot shows Paul Jr and Mikey sitting at the table. Mikey says, “Lets do it!”

The American Chopper logo appears with the time and episode information….

Final shot– everyone is leaving the meeting when Paul Sr walks up the hallway saying, “sorry I’m late… did I miss anything?”

Paul Jr hesitates a second and innocently says, “no.”

The Real World: The Next Generation

Commander Data and Captain Jean-Luc Picard are sitting in the Enterprise ready room.

Commander Data comments, “I find this mission to be highly illogical, Captain.”

Captain Picard replies, “Yes, I know, but we have no choice but to go through with the alliance.”

“But the Enterprise has fought off many worthy adversaries—why should we give up without even firing a single photon torpedo?”

“Listen Mr. Data, we survived numerous adventures over the years, but trust me, this time resistance IS futile. Let’s just get it over with and move on.”

Picard and Data walk out of the ready room on to the main bridge of the Enterprise. The room is empty except for two men poised with cameras. Picard walks over to a waiting camera man, briefly pauses, and starts reading from a script. “This is the true story of seven strangers, picked to live on a starship and have their lives holographically recorded, and find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting REAL. The Real World: The Next Generation!”

Picard gestures at the turbolift and continues, “And now let’s welcome the seven young strangers who will be running the Enterprise on her next mission.”

Four girls and three guys in their early twenties sheepishly walk out of the turbolift and on to the bridge. After brief introductions with Captain Picard and Commander Data, the Captain explains the mission. “With the assistance of Commander Data and myself, the seven of you will be in charge of…” The captain rolls his eyes and quietly sighs to himself. “…delivering a shipment of Ramulan ale to the resort planet Risa. While this may not be the most dangerous mission ever attempted, you will have to learn about ship navigation, interstellar communications, and of course… “

“Hey everyone, I just found a ****load of Ramulan ale in the cargo hold,” one of the seven strangers who apparently snuck off during the introductions yelled as he burst out of the turbo lift, “and someone loaded thrity-seven different erotic hot tub programs on to the holodeck’s computer! Let’s get it on!”

The seven strangers start celebrating and giving each other high fives as they head towards the holodeck—completely forgetting about the Captain and their new mission.

The next scene shows the seven strangers getting drunk in the hot tub. Picard and Data are sitting in the tub still in their complete uniforms looking awkward and uncomfortable.

“Dude, I am sooooo wasted on this Ramulan ale… what all is in it?” One of the seven asked.

Sandy and Jill started a conversation. “So if you could do anyone here, who would it be?”

“Honestly?” Jill asked.

Sandy replied, “Yeah.”

“It may just be that I’m really drunk right now,” Jill confessed, “But I think it would be that robot guy.”

Commander Data, hearing his name, cocked his head slightly and addressed the girl’s comment. “I am fully functional, programmed in multiple techniques.”

“Data!” Picard snapped, “We need to get things moving here. We must to get to Risa as fast as possible so we can move on to our next REAL mission—delivering badly needed medical supplies to Barrius 3.”

One of the other women in the hot tub piped up. “It may be because my grandfather did bad, bad things to me when I was young, but that bald English guy is looking pretty good to me right about now if I could just convince him to spank me for not cleaning up my room perfectly. Is that a bad thing?”

The Captain got shivers just thinking how many things were wrong with the entire situation. Picard yelled out, “Enough is enough. Computer—end holodeck program and seal off the cargo hold to everyone but myself and Commander Data. The rest of you will get into a regulation Star Fleet uniform and report the main bridge in ten minutes.”

Captain Picard starting walking briskly out of the holodeck. “Commander, you are with me.” He ordered. Data looked over at Jill, made a telephone gesture with his thumb and pinky and silently mouthed the words “fully functional” before following the Captain to the bridge.

Eventually, everyone finds their way into uniforms and to the main bridge. The Captain starts explaining how to operate various functions on the ship. “Everything can be accessed through voice commands to the computer.” The Captain explained. “For example: computer—plot a course to Risa.”

The computer responded, “Course laid out. At warp eight we will arrive at Risa in three hours.”

Steve, the one who first located the Ramulan ale, piped up, “Hey computer—you sound pretty hot. What do you look like in a bikini?”

The computer responded, “Please restate the command.”

Captain Picard smacked Steve on the top of his head. “This is not a game! Look, all you guys have to do is tell the computer to engage on the course to Risa and we will be on our way. Do you think we could get that done sometime today?”

Jill looked around and asked the Captain, “So which one of us gets to say ‘engage’?”

“What? It doesn’t matter. Someone says it and the ship starts moving.” The Captain explained.

“I think we need to have a ship-wide meeting to decide.” Steve said.

“I give up! Commander Data—you are in charge. If they can’t decide who gets to say ‘engage’ in the next ten minutes Data will say it. I’ll be in my quarters reading Great Expectations until we get to Risa.” The Captain ordered as he walked towards the turbolift.

Three hours later Picard and Data are waving goodbye to the seven Real World members on the planet of Risa displayed on the main screen on the bridge.

“Captain,” Data started, “I found this mission provided me with a unique insight into the human condition.”

“What are you talking about Data?” the Captain asked, “This was nothing more than seven spoiled kids allowed to run around the ship for the entertainment of the holoprojector audience. What is insightful about that?”

“After you retired to you quarters,” Data explained, “with the aid of my newly installed emotion chip, Jill demonstrated several ways to make me even more fully functional, if you know what I mean.”

Not sure how to respond to Data’s last comment, the captain replied, “Plot a course to Barrius 3, warp 9, Commander.”

“Course plotted,” Data replied. “Captain, can I ask you a question?”

“What is it Data?”

“Can I say ‘engage’ this time?” Data asked.

“Sure Data.” The Captain said, with a hint of resignation in his voice.

“Engage.”

The Silver Screams

Welcome to the first debate for the 2004 Presidential Election here on the Fox News Network. We have with us, from the Republican side, current President George “Dubya” Bush. Representing the Democrats tonight is Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman. In order to give the American people more of what we think they want, the theme of this debate is “Politics at the Movies.” Every statement must contain at least one cinematic reference. But enough of the small talk– we begin with an opening statement from George Bush.

Bush: I’m sure my opponent will try and change the subject with all kinds of facts relating to how I have been running this country over the past three years. But first I would like to point out that Mr. Lieberman shares more than a passing resemblance to Star Wars’ Senator Palpatine.

Lieberman: What? That was a movie, and besides, it takes place in a galaxy far, far away. Go back and look at my voting record– I have never endorsed building a Death Star in my fourteen years as a congressman.

Announcer: Whoa there, Senator! You should know our broadcast well enough not to bring up vague notions like your voting record. Please stay focused on the matter at hand, or you won’t get any more camera time.

Bush: Death Star, huh, we could use something like that in the War on Terror. We could set it on “singe” and take Afghanistan right off the map! I wonder how much Haliburton would charge us to build one under the table. Dangit–am I talking out loud again?

Lieberman: Fine… if I’m the evil Senator, that means Bush is Jar-Jar Binks! I’ll concede there isn’t much of physical resemblance, but they both have wacky accents, and, well, let’s face it— they are both bumbling idiots.

Bush: Mr. Lieberman, we have a little saying where I come from. I can’t remember it off the top of my head, and even if I could, I probably wouldn’t say it right on the first try anyway. Going back to Jar-Jar Binks– Despite his unusual accent and awkward adolescence, Jar-Jar bravely served in the military defending his planet from the evil invasion force. Several years later, a more wise and conservative Mr. Binks became a public servant and assisted Queen Amidala in official duties of the Imperial Senate. Finally, Jar-Jar… well, I haven’t seen the next film. But my point is this: If you want to compare me to Jar-Jar Binks, I’ll take it as a compliment Senator Palpat… I mean, Lieberman.

Announcer: Whoa! He really burned you there Joe.

Bush: But obviously I’m Maverick from Top Gun. Studies commissioned by my administration shows that 53% of voting-age American females would enjoy watching me play sand volleyball half naked with Anthony Edwards and Val Kilmer. While I am more than willing to give the public what they want, scheduling conflicts between the three of us have kept it from happening. As a compromise, however, I did dress up in a flight suit on that aircraft carrier earlier this year.

Liberman: If I was going to be compared to a likeness of a movie character, I think the best fit would be that of Oskar Schindler from Steven Spielberg’s World War 2 drama “Schindler’s List.” After learning of the horrible crimes committed by the Nazi party, Schindler puts himself at risk in order to save more than 1,000 Jews from a German concentration camp. His bravery in the face of evil has been an inspiration for the past decade.

Bush: Yeah, I think I’ve seen that one—but for some reason we could only see it in black and white. I remember getting horrible customer service when I called the cable company to complain about the picture. So should we, as Americans, be surprised that Joe Lieberman’s favorite movie centered on a controlling Jewish man and literally thousands of naked people? I’m sure everyone else found the ending as terribly confusing as I did, but the general idea I got out of it was that this Schindler guy bought as many of the naked people as he could in order to start his own perverted sex brothel and corresponding Internet site. Now is this the kind of man we want running the country?

Announcer: That’s all the time we have tonight. Stay tuned for next week’s debate, when we force the candidates to address the tough question, “What would YOU do to reduce the size of J-Lo’s ass?”

This Old Crack House

Good afternoon everyone. We are on location in Detroit, Michigan to kick off our latest project. But before we start out, I need to explain to our viewers at home why this is going to be one of the most unique projects ever attempted. Our broadcast affiliate, just like any other television network, is required to comply with FCC regulations to incorporate anti-drug messages into the station’s programming. While most channels simply agree to run a certain number of approved commercials every month, the Public Broadcasting Service doesn’t have traditional commercial breaks. After countless meetings with lawyers on both sides, an agreement was made to produce a special anti-drug episode of our home improvement series. To make this project even more special, we have assembled an All-Star PBS team. In addition to my usual crew, Dean Johnson and Robin Hartyl put their “Hometime” plans on hold and flew in from Minnesota. Norm Abrams is ready to help out in the New Yankee Workshop. My name is Steve Thomas, and welcome to “This Old Crack House.”

Steve: I’m standing in front of our next project– a crack house in Detroit, Michigan. Just looking around here, Tom, I see a lot of unique challenges.

Tom: Right you are, Steve. First of all, this is going to be a scheduling nightmare. While we usually put in a lot of long nights to get a project like this finished on time, we saw the condition of the neighborhood, and the entire crew agreed to stop work at dusk each day and high-tail it back to the Holiday Inn.

Steve: And that’s thirty-seven miles away!

Tom: Yes, it is, but we feel it’s a necessary precaution.

Steve: Now the situation with our homeowner is quite unique. Grace Smith is an eighty-five year old retired school teacher. It turns out that the crack heads broke into her house when she was visiting her grandchildren in the suburbs. Now she is too ashamed to tell anyone, so she just spends most of her time in a dilapidated garage at the back of the property. We will be taking with Grace a little later, but first, Tom, what is the condition of the house?

Tom: Well Steve, I hate to tell you this, but the situation doesn’t look too good. I went down into the basement to see what was going on, and it wasn’t pretty. First of all, I discovered what I believe to be a decomposing body near the hot water heater. And, more importantly, the crawl space lacks adequate ventilation. Over time, this has caused the floor joists to rot. Before we do anything on the main floor, we are going to have to reinforce the sub floor.

Steve: And what about the body?

Tom: Well, it doesn’t pose any structural issues, so I think we will be better off leaving it alone. Maybe, if the budget allows, we could cover it up with some scrap plastic to keep the rodents away.

Steve: Tom, you know as well as I do that on a project like this, we always seem to run into these kinds of issues. But let’s take a moment right now to see what Norm Abrams has got going for us in his workshop.

Norm: Thanks Steve. I’m sorry I couldn’t be out there to see all that urban decay personally. I did get some measurements of the crack house and I have acquired the materials for a new carpentry project. But before we start any work, we need to take a minute to talk about safety. Remember to always use protective eyewear when operating power tools. Also, each project has its own unique hazards. For example, we are reminding everyone to wear steel-toed boots with a thick rubber sole at all times. We don’t want to start working only to have someone accidentally step on a syringe filled with leftover heroin and traces of possibly HIV infected blood. Just to be on the safe side, we have also made the entire landscaping crew promise, in writing, not to engage in unprotected sex with any of the crack whores in the house.

Now for the project itself– after seeing footage of the crack house, one of the first things that I noticed was the horrible condition of the methamphetamine lab. Half-empty bottles of cough syrup were on the floor, and the main work area lacked proper ventilation. I’ve designed a nice mahogany work center that will really help the occupants of the house. It contains plenty of storage for raw materials, and I’ve used a special crown molding that gives the piece a very elegant appearance. Anyone using this area will now be able to manufacture large quantities of illegal narcotics while at the same time reducing the risk of blowing themselves up in the process. If you would like to build a meth lab in your house, a set of measured drawings is available on our website.

Steve: We will check back with you later Norm. Next we have our friends Dean and Robin from “Hometime” who are working in the bathroom.

Dean: Hello, I’m Dean Johnson…

Robin: And I’m Robin Harytl. Dean and I have been working together for so long that we can even….

Dean: …finish each other’s sentences. Well, that was just a little bit of a humorous exchange we have been working on to introduce ourselves. Just to use at parties and what not, if we ever get invited to one.

Robin: We are really excited to be here. Now normally we only tape our shows in affluent suburbs of Minneapolis, so this was a quite a change for us. To help add a little class to this crack house, Dean and I are brainstorming ideas for fixing up the bathroom.

Dean: There are two things that really jumped out at us when we entered the bathroom. And, no, that doesn’t include the crack head hiding behind the door who tried to steal our video camera equipment. First of all, we thought someone started their own project when we saw some rather large holes in the drywall by the toilet.

Robin: But then we realized someone just cut out the copper pipes and, we think, traded them for crack. The other feature is a message left by one of the home’s occupants in some kind of permanent marker. It says, “Yo yo yo… Mary Katherine is my crack hoe. Anyone who touches her gets their house privileges revoked and a healthy ass whooping by me. — Anthony.”

Dean: We did think about painting over the note, but in the end we decided it gave the area more character if we just left it alone. Also, right as we were considering our options, the original author, Anthony, came into the bathroom and suggested, using gestures with his favorite baseball bat, that we not alter his message in any way whatsoever.

Robin: As far as the missing pipes, we decided to do something to keep this problem from coming back sometime in the future. Instead of repairing the damage, we have decided to remove the toilet, and cut out a small hole in the floor. This will allow the urine and feces to drop directly down into the crawlspace, and onto what appears, from up here, to be a dead body of some sort.

Dean: Now normally this would be against the building code, but given the unique situation of this house, we decided to take certain liberties with the new design.

Steve: Well, that’s all the time we have for today. In our next episode we will see what happens when Tom Silva accidentally drops acid and the schedule gets pushed back due to a surprise police raid. So keep watching as we work to put the crack back in This Old Crack House.

Conservative Weather Channel

(Fade in to Jerry Falwell rhythmically tapping a pencil on the desk)

Falwell: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the premiere of the Conservative Weather Channel. My name is Jerry Falwell and I’m here today with my co-host Pat Buchanan. How are you doing today, Pat?

Buchanan: I’m excited Jerry– excited to be here and grateful for this opportunity to finally create a weather channel for the conservative citizens of the world.

Falwell: I couldn’t agree more– While the liberal news bias has been well documented for many years now, most people are ignorant of how it has crept into the weather reports. We founded the Conservative Weather Channel, or CWC, to let people learn about the weather from a solid conservative perspective.

Buchanan: We like to think of the CWC as “the weather channel that Jesus would watch.” To start out, we eliminated the flashy introduction graphics. In its place we just have one of us tapping a pencil on the edge of the desk when the cameras start rolling. We considered several other ideas for the introduction. One option involved banging a large gong– it was a pleasing sound, but we didn’t want to get into the whole “Asian” issue.

Falwell: Good point, Pat. Our viewers aren’t interested in different cultures– those kind of people are too busy watching “The Jeffersons” on “Nick at Nite.” But enough small talk– lets get right down to the weather.

Buchanan: OK, Jerry. I was outside a few minutes ago, and it was raining. Everything else is mere speculation.

Falwell: You see, this is exactly what the CWC is all about. Those liberals over at the Weather Channel use all kind of fancy computers and satellites in a futile attempt to predict the future. Lets be honest here– that kind of attitude just flies right in the face of God. I don’t want to go so far as to say they are minions of Satan, but that entire operation sure would benefit from some good old fashioned God-fearing humility.

Buchanan: This morning I read the Bible and asked God to help me see His vision for today. With His blessing I researched past temperatures for this time of the year and factored in the sins of humanity. Using this data, we performed a statistical report to find the average mean high seasonally adjusted temperature. God willing, we can expect the high today to be 65 degrees, plus or minus 13.34 degrees. The range of course, is the statistically accepted two standards of deviation of the mean sample value.

Falwell: I’m glad you took the time to explain your methods instead of just picking a random number out of the air. So what would you suggest for our viewers that are going to be outside today?

Buchanan: Well, Jerry, I like to play it safe. Going outside with just a short sleeve shirt would simply be tempting fate. I suggest a long sleeve shirt, waterproof jacket, parka, earmuffs, sandals, sunscreen, a baseball hat with those flaps that cover the neck and ears, and of course six to ten road flares. Anyone going farther than the local grocery store should, obviously, take extra precautions.

Falwell: Now that’s what I call conservative! I can’t think of a better feeling than playing it safe. Do you have any information on long term weather patterns?

Buchanan: I believe residents of the San Francisco area should be prepared for a reign of fire. God is angry about all their non-Christian behavior and is getting ready to punish the entire vicinity to set an example for the rest of this great nation. Now I can’t say what the exact form of there complete and utter annihilation is going to be, but a sudden earthquake and falling into the Pacific Ocean seems like a distinct possibility.

Falwell: I can’t argue with you on that point. Well, that’s all the time we have for today. We hope you enjoyed the show. And remember folks, if you miss the show for some reason, just read the Bible and pray to God– He will help show you what to do. Good night, and God bless you.

(Jerry starts tapping on the desk again as the cameras fade out.)

The Internet Cafe

The scene opens with a wide shot of an average-looking bar. A dozen or so people are sitting around talking. A very typical bar scene.

Two guys walk through the bar. They are wearing nice pants, dress shirts, and ties. They sit down at two empty seats at the bar.

Andy: Bartender, can we get two beers, please?

Bartender: Coming right up.

Carl: I was hoping that we could have been on the 8 o’clock flight home. I can’t believe how picky those guys were about some of the fine points of our proposal for their web site.

Andy: Well, I think we came to an agreement where everyone was happy. I’m sure once we start designing the web site everyone will relax quite a bit.

Bartender brings over two beers. Andy and Carl start drinking them.

Carl looks at the woman sitting next to him. She doesn’t seem to be with anyone else. She is smoking a cigarette. Carl turns towards her.

Carl: Hi there, my name is Carl.

The woman totally ignores Carl and blows cigarette smoke into the air. This infuriates Carl. He leans over to Andy.

Carl: Did you see that? That bitch next to me won’t even acknowledge that I exist. What, is it too much effort to say “hi” back to me?

Andy: Yeah, I saw that. Maybe she doesn’t like the computer geek types.

Bartender: Excuse me, would you two gentlemen like some HELP?

Carl: Uhhh… I suppose. Is she deaf or something?

Bartender: No, not at all. You see fellows, you are in the Internet Bar. In here all the rules of talking to people through Instant Messenger apply. It is quite possible that the woman you contacted is busy doing something else at the moment. Maybe when she has some free time she will respond.

Andy: Are you crazy? She is just sitting there doing nothing! How hard is it to say hi?

Bartender: We don’t like troublemakers in here. If you can’t follow the rules you will be reported and asked to leave.

Just then the woman finishes her cigarette, puts it out in an ash tray, and turns toward Carl.

Woman: Hi Carl, my name is Jenny. How are you doing tonight? Sorry I didn’t respond sooner– I was out smoking a cigarette. So do you have a picture?

Carl: That’s OK, I’m kind of new here. I’m just in town for the night because… why do want to see a picture of me?

Woman: I just want to see what you look like. Hold on, I might have a picture of me you can see.

The woman pulls out her purse and starts looking through a series of pictures. The first one is exactly like what she looks like now, the next is an older picture of her when she was in better shape and sitting in a bikini next to the pool. The last one looks kind of like Brittany Spears. She pulls out the bikini picture and hands it to Carl.

Suddenly a young teenager bursts through the door and starts running around the bar yelling and screaming.

Teenager: Who wants to see naked pictures of Christine Aguilara? I’ve got all your favorite teen celebrities on my site. Come to my web site and see. It’s only 2.99 for the first week! It’s the best porn money can buy! If you aren’t happy….

Two bouncers came over and grabbed the kid from behind. They shove a towel in his mouth to shut him up. They quickly escort him to the door.

Woman: (talking to Carl) This place may be a dump, but at least they have good security.

A bald middle-aged man sits down next to Andy.

Bald man: Hi there, my name is Erin.

Andy: I’m Andy. How are you doing?

Bald man: I’ve been busy getting drunk with all my Sorority friends.

Andy: What? You are a bald fourty-something old man sitting here in a cheap suit.

The bartender looks up at Andy. The bouncers come over and get ready to remove Andy from the bar. The bartender gestures for the bouncers to hold off for a minute.

Bartender: Listen buddy, you are new here, so I’m going to give you a second chance. If you can’t follow the rules for chatting online I’ll have to ask you to leave.

Andy: OK, I’m sorry. I won’t let it happen again. I promise.

The bartender smiles at Andy and the bouncers move back to the door. Andy uncomfortably turns to the bald man.

Andy: I was just kidding.

Bald man: Oh, that’s OK, I like to play games. Especially drinking games.

Andy: Well, I’m a little old for that. And anyway I’m married.

Bald man: I think older men are HOT. They really know what they are doing. And I don’t care that you are married.

Andy: Well, that’s great and all, but I’ve got to get going.

Bald man: Are you sure you don’t want to come over and get drunk with me and my girlfriends?

Andy: Uhh… maybe some other time. Bye.

Meanwhile, Carl is making small talk with the woman next to him. A man in walks in and sits next to the woman. He is wearing a greasy jumpsuit like one you would see at a factory. He is six feet tall, black, and very muscular. He turns and looks at the woman.

Black man: Hey baby! Remember me?

The woman, who didn’t notice the man come, is startled and quickly turns around.

Woman: Oh, God, how could I forget? You are amazing. WINK

Black Man: Thanks-you were pretty good yourself. So what are you up to tonight?

The woman looks over to Carl and sighs. She turns back to the black man.

Woman: Nothing. Want to get together? I’d love to see you again.

Black Man: Great. How about we meet at the same bar as last time?

Woman: I’ll be there in ten minutes. See you then.

The man walks out of the bar. The woman gets ready to leave. Before she gets up she turns to Carl.

Woman: It was nice meeting you, Carl, but I’m really tired. I think I’m going straight to bed tonight. Maybe we can talk some other night.

Carl: OK, have a good night.

The woman runs out the door. The bald man who was talking to Andy moved on to someone else. Andy turns to Carl.

Andy: This place is too strange.

Carl: Yeah, but I think it’s growing on me. I think I had a chance with that last woman. Did you see the picture of her in the bikini? She is good looking.

The camera slowly zooms away as the two are talking.

Carl: Maybe I should get a picture of myself to show people.

Andy: Why bother? Everyone can see you as it is.

Carl: You are missing the whole point.

Andy: And that is?

Carl: Sigh– it’s hard to explain.

Carl and Andy finish up their beers as the screen fades to black.

Gods Playing Poker

Close up of finger pressing doorbell.
Doorbell rings.
Door opens. The view is of the closed door from the outside. Thor is inside and opens the door.

Thor: Jesus Christ! You decided to come after all!
The view changes to inside looking out the door at Jesus Christ.
Jesus: Thor, my child, it is a pleasure to see you again.
Thor: I’m the God of Thunder– I’m not your child!
Jesus: I’m sorry Thor, you are right. I’ve been spending a lot of time around humans lately. Just this morning I produced my image in a tortilla in a small town in eastern Texas.
Thor: I’ve always admired you for that. You take time to make your presence known in so many subtle ways. I seem to have an uncontrollable urge to hit things with bolts of lightning to get my point across. But that’s just me. Patience has never been my strong point. Where are my manners, come on in and make yourself comfortable. The rest of the group will be here shortly.
Jesus: Thank you, and I brought a lovely bean dip I made from scratch this morning.
Thor: Oh no-bean dip and lightning bolts– not a good combination! HA HA HA!!!
Jesus smiles and goes inside.

Doorbell rings. Door opens.
Thor: Allah! I’m glad you finally decided to join us!
Allah: Normally I like to keep to myself, but I got your e-mail message and said, “Why not join them? We all are gods after all– why can’t we all get together for an evening of casual entertainment?”
Thor: Wonderful. Come on in-watch the step there. Jesus is in the living room. Feel free to make yourself a drink and enjoy some of the vegetable platter I set on the coffee table.
Allah: Thank you.

Doorbell rings. Door opens.
Thor: Zeus!!! The god of gods. How is life up at the summer cottage?
Zeus: It’s wonderful, as always. The weather is just perfect and I don’t have any annoying neighbors.
Thor: Great! Everyone else is here, so I guess we can get started.

New scene– the four Gods are sitting at a poker table. The style is just like the “Dogs Playing Poker” poster.

Thor: For the first game it’s going to be straight five card stud with nothing wild.
Thor deals out five cards to everyone. Nobody looks at their cards yet.
Zeus: I fold
Allah: I bet all my chips
Jesus: I fold
Thor: OK EVERYONE, LISTEN UP! This is going to be the most boring game of poker if everyone knows what is going to happen. YES, we are all gods, and yes, we can all be omnipresent if we choose to, but in the spirit of this game we should all refrain from using this power. Agreed?
Zeus lifts up can of beer and begins talking.
Zeus: Thor is right. We all need…
Suddenly Zeus gets hit with a lightning bolt.
Allah: Jesus Christ– why did you have to hit Zeus with a bolt of lightning?
Jesus: That wasn’t me. Personally, I suspect Thor was the instigator.
Allah: Of course it was Thor, you nimrod.
Thor: I’m sorry, I just got a little too excited. And Zeus raising his beer can provided a path for my built up electrical energy to be dispersed. I’ll try not to let it happen again. Are you OK, Zeus?
Zeus laughs heartily.
Zeus: It will talk a lot more than a few bolts of lightning to stop me from playing.

Zeus deals another hand of poker.
Thor and Allah quickly fold.

Zeus: Hey Jesus, how about we make this game a little more interesting?
Jesus: What do you propose?
Zeus: Instead of playing for chips, we play for people. The winner of this hand gets to have a little fun with one of the loser’s followers. Nothing lethal, but everything else is fair game.
Jesus: Zeus, that wouldn’t be very nice.
Zeus: Oh come on, don’t you ever get tired of being benevolent all the time? Or are you chicken?
Jesus: This may be the two cans of Red Bull I’ve just finished off talking, but you have yourself a deal.
Zeus: Show your cards, beer boy.
Allah: Red Bull isn’t beer, Zeus.
Zeus: Shut up– can’t you see we are trying to play a game here?

Jesus has a full house. Zeus has a straight flush.
Jesus: So who are you going to torment Zeus?
Zeus: Well, there is one of your followers I find particularly annoying. This guy really reminds me of that Job guy from the Bible. Except he lives in Silicon Valley, develops video games, and goes around obsessing about how Jesus does this and Jesus does that and how fricken wonderful you are. Don’t get me wrong, Jesus, I love you like a son, but this guy just needs to learn a little lesson. He kisses your ass and you make sure nothing bad happens to him.
Jesus: I’m going to need another beer. Probably two.
Allah: I already told you that it’s not beer.
Jesus: Allah, why do you have to take everything so literally?
Zeus: Shut up– both of you! Back to my winnings: first of all I’m going to give him a wicked case of acne.
Zeus slaps his hand on the table.
Zeus: Next I’m going to make all of his high priced Internet stock worthless.
Jesus: I get the point. I’m a sissy. Now just stop.
Allah: This isn’t funny anymore Zeus.
Zeus: Hell, I’m just getting started. Now I’m going to disconnect the high speed Internet connection– he is going to have to dial up at 56k. Serves him right!
Jesus: I really mean it– enough Zeus!
Zeus: I know you will just switch everything back once I stop. You will probably even make him even better off than before we started.
Jesus: I am not going to… Well, I don’t … that’s not the point. You are making me angry!
The wind starts blowing and keeps getting stronger.
Allah: Jesus– this isn’t doing anyone any good.
Zeus: Stay out of this Allah. If you were a half way decent god you wouldn’t have your people blowing things up to make you happy.
Allah: Oh, the truth comes out now, huh? Well how about we let your followers live in the crappy desert for a thousand years and see how they turn out?
The ground starts shaking.
Jesus: You want to play chicken, Zeus?
Zeus: With you, patsey boy? Any day!!!
Jesus: I’m not afraid of you!
More shaking and wind.
Zeus: Let’s go all the way, bitch.
Jesus: I’m not backing down.
Zeus: Neither am I.
Incredible shaking and wind.
Massive zoom out to the entire universe. It is shaking violently. Suddenly everything collapses on itself and all is quiet and totally dark.
In quiet, apologetic tones fading out:

Zeus: I’m sorry.
Jesus: No, I get like this sometimes when I drink.
Thor: I might have helped with the destruction thing.
Allah: So are we going to do this again sometime?
Zeus: Of course– we can have it at my house next month. My wife makes those little tiny hot dogs with toothpicks in them….
Jesus: Great– I’ll be there.
Thor: I’m game…

Eight: Moderately Annoying Sins

I sat down on my couch the other day wanting to avoid reality for an hour or two and escape all the senseless, random violence in the world. When I turned on my television set the movie “Seven” was just starting. Well, at least the film features senseless highly focused violence. Kevin Spacey plays John Doe: an adorable, bald, deranged religious zealot who kills people that exhibit one of the seven deadly sins (envy, rage, greed, apathy, misdirection, and poor math skills). Given the financial success of this movie, I suspect a sequel is in the works.

It’s too bad Brad Pitt’s character shoots and kills John Doe at the end of the movie. Oops– anyone planning to see this movie for the first time might want to ignore that last sentence. While bringing Kevin Spacey back might involve some crafty script work (one possible write up: John Doe receives a sharp blow to the head and develops a bad case of amnesia. He completely forgets how the original movie ends), the real challenge is to come up with more sins.

Here is a rough outline for “Eight: Moderately Annoying Sins”:

Division: John Doe gets hired on as the produce manager at a local grocery store. Keeping a close eye on the banana display, John springs into action when customers tear off one banana from the bunch and put the lone piece of fruit back on the display. Grabbing the stray banana, John sneaks up behind the customer, presses the end of the fruit into their back, and calmly states, “Yes, this is a banana, but I’m not happy to see you.” John then takes the customer back to their apartment, ties them to the couch, and forces the offender to watch a continuos loop of Sally Strothers commercials until they go crazy and gouge their own eyes out.

Waste: People who ask for hot sauce at Taco Bell knowing full well they will not use it and just throw the packets away when the meal is finished are the next target of John Doe. The punishment is to go back and eat the discarded packets of sauce. More often than not, this causes massive digestive tract irregularities.

Hype: John Doe travels around to area malls and kills people who put up Christmas decorations before Labor Day. Anyone who starts up before Halloween receives a sternly worded letter in the mail.

Sponsorship: After watching a certain Dr. Pepper commercial, John Doe steals a beverage delivery vehicle and runs over Garth Brooks when he is crossing the street. A note found at the scene of the crime explained that “If God wanted Garth Brooks to wear lame ass clothes while singing a soda jingle with a forced smile He wouldn’t have created Britney Spears.” While investigating the crime scene, Morgan Freeman’s character comments “I have to agree with our John Doe on this one.”

Promotion: Web site developers who put endless pop up advertisements on the Internet become the target of John’s rage. Fearful of their lives, this practice is completely abandoned. As a result, traffic on pornography web sites sky rockets.

Gadgetry: People who leave their cell phones on at the movie are John’s next target. Offenders suddenly find a quiet bald man sitting behind them quietly throwing milk duds at the back of their head at random intervals for the duration of the movie.

First Date Lies: John joins the dating circuit in search of a meaningful relationship. The women who promise to call him back but never do are kidnapped and forced to spend a day in the same room with the Taco Bell sinners.

Sequels: The movie ends when John Doe leads the detectives into a supposedly empty missile silo. John Doe approaches with a small remote control device. With a slight smile on his face, John states “Just like in the original film, I know you will enjoy the irony the ending. God wants me to show the world how poorly thought out movie sequels are destroying His planet.” John presses a button on the remote which triggers a massive nuclear explosion. Roll credits.

The dramatic ending raises the question “Did the detectives, realizing the trap John Doe had set, send their robot duplicates instead of going in on their own?” Stay tuned for “Nine: John’s Minor Pet Peeves.”