My ongoing quest to get our DVD collection onto a network drive took a big step forward last night. I found a gizmo on Amazon that lets me turn an old USB drive into a network drive. Now I have someplace to download all of our movies that the Playstation 3 can recognize. This means the hardware configuration section of the project is 100% complete. The overall project is 43% finished in terms of the projected time commitments. Stay tuned for for my next post entitled “37 unnecessarily confusing steps to follow so you don’t have to search through all your DVDs when you child needs to watch Toy Story ASAP.”
So Katherine ended up getting me a nine inch diameter glazed doughnut for Father’s Day. Apparently I was a little bit off the mark with the whole Lisa Loeb coming over to my house and making me pancakes. Katherine explained to me how she really tried to get Lisa to stop by, but apparently she is married and has a few kids to look after. (I know how that can dampen one’s social life!)
So I put up a link to the pancake song that she recently releases on my last post, but I didn’t even know about it until I googled “Lisa Loeb pancakes”. I was thinking back to her short lived food show “Dweezil & Lisa” where they spent an entire show preparing and hosting a pancake party. I guess I’m not being the best fanatic that I could be in this area.
While going on a date with Lisa is kind of out of the question, maybe we could arrange a play date with our kiddos. Isabel and Samantha have a lot of cool toys and plenty of space to run around. But if I don’t ever get to meet you in person, I’ll always remember you as “the queen of being sexy without letting all your junk hang out, even though you have the figure to wear trampy attention grabbing outfits, because you want the world to appreciate you for your artistic abilities.” I totally get it.
So despite the lack of sexy rock stars at our house this weekend, I really enjoyed my Father’s Day. And yes, I ate the whole doughnut myself!
I now have the honor of being part of an elite group of Americans who have come down with the shingles. [LOOKS OVER AT THE INTERNET] Oh, wait, apparently one in three people get it sometime in their lifetime. If you are thinking quietly to yourself, “hey, isn’t that the band who sang that catchy song in the movie The Garden State?” you are probably getting the band The Shins. I’m not sure if anyone in the Shins have ever had the shingles, but the odds are there.
If you are thinking it has something to do with having experienced the chicken pox as a child, you are on the right track. Apparently the virus that causes the chicken pox hangs around inside your body just waiting to cause problems at some random point in the future.
So about a week ago I started getting daily headaches and my neck and right shoulder started to feel sore. Being a UPS employee for almost a decade now, none of these symptoms seemed particularly alarming. A few days later I got a rash on my neck and right ear. Just looking at it in no way relates to the pain I was feeling. Laying my head down on my pillow caused tremendous pain. I eventually started plans to build a bacta water tank that helped heal Luke Skywalker from a severe wampa attack at the beginning of The Empire Strikes Back. Katherine was not receptive to this idea.
The pain in my ear can be described exactly as the scene in Star Trek when a younger, more fit, and, well, I suppose less passed away Ricardo Montelbon places mind-controlling bugs in crew members of the Enterprise.
So, in conclusion, the shingles really suck. Really. And I know that I’m the type who, on occasion, may tend to exaggerate my pain situation to gain sympathy. And the fact that they just randomly pop up for no real reason makes it that much better. So if you know of anyone who get the shingles, the best thing to do is to sneak up behind them and inject them with large dose of horse tranquiler. Just let them sleep the whole experience away. Do not, and I don’t think I can stress this enough, sneak up behind them and give them an Indian burn on the effected area. This will most likely cause them to die. Literally.
So, it is New Year’s Eve and the clock says 9 PM (mountain standard time, for those who need to know) and I’m sure that everyone expects me to be heading out the door with the wife, kids, and dog out to experience the legendary Loveland clubbing scene. But no, I’ve got other plans. For example, just to get the evening ball rolling, I have upgraded WordPress on my newfunny.com website from version 3.2 to version 3.3. Next on the agenda, view the annual stats WordPress was nice enough to send me.
So, according to WordPress, my website was viewed roughly 8,200 times in 2011. Now don’t get me started about how to measure how many people visit your website in a given time period. OK, you talked me into it– you see, I could log onto my goDaddy account and download every single http request and tell you that number is how many people looked at my site, but that would count a whole bunch of stuff (like automated processes that are looking to index information on my site) that has nothing do with actual people looking at my site. As far as I can tell, WordPress seems to give a more accurate gauge of actual people. And really, there are more methods of calculating web traffic than there are ways to deep fry a Snickers bar, so take anything anyone says about it with a grain of salt. And then, of course, then you can try sprinkling it on your deep fried Snickers bar, which I hear is surprisingly tasty.
“Omar, what are the top viewed posts on your website in 2011?” you were probably just thinking to yourself. Well, here is the top 5:
- 1 The Dukes of Hazzard August 2009
- 2 Funny and Sexy– Is it possible? August 2009
- 3 Come on Holmes February 2010
- 4 Back to the Future, Part 4 October 2010
- 5 Thank you letters January 2011
I’m pretty happy with these results, but I do want to give a shout out to a few of my long time favorites that don’t get as much traffic as I think they deserve.
That is the most interesting information from the WordPress report. A little known fact about the “Dukes of Hazzard” and “Iron Chef Amsterdam” is that I was approached by an editor of an out-of-state Marijuana magazine about republishing these stories due to their pro-pot themes. I gave them permission, but then they went out of business. As far as I know they weren’t ever published in any magazines, but since I wasn’t going to get any money for it either way I didn’t really look too hard.
That about wraps things up. One more thing now that I remember we are back to “standard time”: although I have decided that part of my 2024 Congressional campaign is going to include a push for moving to daylight savings time all year round. Mostly because I hate delivering packages at UPS in the dark in December when I see the sunrise an hour before I go to work. I think there is a better chance of getting Congress to change the system of time than to get UPS to change the times it flies all their planes around the country. Although now I think about it, maybe it seems like a 50/50 proposition. But in the end, the only people who benefit from the current system are peppy morning people, and nobody likes those types– especially when sunlight is in short supply. So full time daylight savings time it is!
Katherine and I finally finished our project to cover our walls with lizards. After trying unsuccessfully with real ones, we decided to switch to outlining them with different colored paint. Why go through all the trouble? That’s a good question. We live in a townhouse that is much longer than it is wide. Our intention was to put up something on the walls to give our family room and kitchen area an appearance of depth. That, and I’ve always wanted to have some sort of tribute to M.C. Escher in my house.
The first step was to measure out the area that would eventually be inside the frame and paint it the middle color. Next we cut the trim pieces and put them on the wall with adhesive. Once that was all dried we made a lizard template and painted in the lightest and darkest colors. Finally, we painted the outlines of the lightest lizards to give them more contrast. Oh yeah, and then finally finally I painted one in between the two frames just for fun.
I like how it looks, but if the whole project took about three times longer than I imagined. But I think that is usually the case when considering a painting project.
Here are the exact directions (meaning I’m not making any of this up) to 4580 County Road 68, Wellington, Colorado:
Go north on I-25 and get off at the Wellington exit. Head north on the east side frontage road until you see a sign for CR68. There is only one house on the road and it is in no way labeled. Don’t worry– that isn’t the house you are looking for, but it does happen to belong to the guy’s brother. He will vaguely point you towards three dirt roads in various states of disrepair. Keep driving until you see another man driving around a front end loader for no particular reason. He will explain how to get to the small workshop and instruct you to leave the package in the old refridgerator in the back– either compartment is fine.
A chain store called “Tuesday Morning” opened up a year or so ago in Loveland, Colorado. I keep wondering how they came up with the name. To the best of my knowledge, they sell a variety of overstocked gift type items at rather low prices.
Even though I know exectly what they sell, I keep imagining they specialize in selling the “Plan B” contraceptive/birth control device. (FYI: “Plan B” is a pill women can take up to 72 hours after unprotected intercourse that prevents conception from occuring.)
I can just visualize the advertisement: Ladies, were you out late on Saturday night having unprotected sex with anonmous male partners? If so, remember you have until Tuesday morning to get to Tuesday Morning if you don’t want to start baking a bun in your oven!
I was sitting in Good Times taking my break from being a UPS driver and all, and I found a very inexpensive way to entertain myself for a few minutes before it was time to get back to work. I took a copy of the “Tidbits” newspaper (its a paper with random stories and local ads that’s maybe 8 pages total) and slightly altered all the photographs of people in the paper. Here is a partial list of items I added:
- Harry Potter glasses
- bushy eyebrows
- pointy goatees
- Hitler style mustaches
- handlebar mustaches
- devil horns
- mustaches that curl up around at the ends
Also I found a really cute golden retriever that I altered so he was smoking a bong.
After I finished with that, I started the Suduko puzzle, but it was rated “very hard” and I gave up after I filled in a half dozen squares. So I filled in a few more squares with random things like numbers bigger than 9, letters of the alphabet, pi, and a small drawing of a tree.
Of course the really entertaining part was carefully putting back on the stand with all the other new copies. I amuse myself thinking of the next person who gets to see what I’ve done.
Now that I think about this, I remember doing a similar activity back in high school. We would go out to Taco Bell, order the nachos, and take a few extra straws back to the table. Carefully, we would take a straw out of the wrapper, suck up the nacho “cheese” into the straw, place the straw back in the wrapper, and casually take the straw back to the condiment area. We never did get to see anyone get the nacho cheese filled straw, but knowing that someone did made entertained us for the rest of the afternoon.
I was always proud of that because it was funny, but not destructive. Kind of like putting a rubber band around the trigger of the pull out sprayer at the kitchen sink so when the next person turns on the water it shoots straight at their chest. I did that to my sister when I was in middle school.
This all leads up to, obviously, how things work on the SciFi series Battlestar Galactica. There are large common rooms where men and women, at the very same time, go about all their personal hygiene needs. Unspeakable Act or Sign Of Things To Come?
There aren’t too many famous people I would want to meet in person, but I thought I would keep track of who I would like to meet for lunch.
Lisa Loeb: OK, she is rather pleasing to the eye (or at least both of mine), but what really won me over was her short lived TV show “Dweezil & Lisa”. I would call it a cooking show, but I don’t think many other people would be quite so generous. One episode revolved around them hosting a pancake party. While at a cooking store Dweezil wanted to buy an $80 batter dispenser. Lisa said it was too expensive and not worth the money. Now here is a woman who I’m guessing is pretty well off financially realizing that she doesn’t need another kitchen gadget. Also, she didn’t insist on having her name be first in the show’s title.
So, Lisa, if you are still reading this, and plan on being in northern Colorado in the future, give me a call and we can go out to Chipotle for some chips and burritos.