I spent a few minutes playing with a customer’s dog this afternoon while he finished taping up a box. When the package was ready he asked if I wanted to wash my hands. I glanced down at my perpetually-dirty-whenever-I’m-at-work hands, smiled at the dog, and told the guy, “No thanks, but you may want to wash your dog.”
OK– I’m going to confess something here. I didn’t really write all these posts on April 4, 2009. In my ongoing effort to get everything I’ve written on to my newfunny website, I imported the blog I started on my myspace page two years ago. I apologize in advance for any problems this may cause to my loyal readers.
I’ve been a UPS driver for 3 years now– not quite long enough to get my own route. Basically I cover other driver’s routes when they are sick or on vacation. Some customers are rather attached to their drivers.
“You aren’t our regular/usual driver.”
“No, I’m the irregular/unusual one.”
One of the other swing drivers told me that one, and it seems to make people laugh. And since I deliver to new people all the time, I get alot of practice. My other favorite line goes something like this:
“That’s a nice shirt/pair of shoes/lavishly decorated tierra”
“They don’t let me wear anything pretty to work– its all brown, brown, brown!”
Another good aspect of my job is that I can practice the same joke on 50 different people in a day so I can get the timing and wording just right.
I was getting a signature for a package (like I have to do 60 times a day) on Thursday. The conversation went something like this:
“I’ll sign for it if you are nice to me.”
“Lady, I ran out of nice on Tuesday.”
I pulled up to the house just as a woman and her dog were leaving to go for an afternoon walk. I reached for a dog biscuit as I stepped out of the truck. The dog ate it up while I talked to the woman.
“This is for you.” I said as I handed her the small cardboard box.
She examined the label with a slight look of confusion on her face. The dog had by now made quick work of his unexpected treat.
“You are on the wrong street. This package is for 3001 Swallow Place. My house is 3001 Swallow Bend.” she replied.
“My mistake, but I will need that dog treat back.”
A moment of awkward silence ensued.
This whole situation happened to me this week, but the I didn’t come up with the last line until after I drove away. I guess my sharp wit is balanced out by my poor timing. Maybe that’s why I write so much stuff on the Internet.
Being a UPS driver, people often ask me how I keep my hands so clean given the grungy nature of my job. Actually, nobody has ever asked me that, but I have to start somewhere.
Every night when I come home from work I start the shower running and prepare what some would call my “Ancient Chinese Secret” for cleaning the deep seeded grime from my hands. This procedure uses two solid pumps from my 1.25 gallon Gojo dispenser and a light sprinkle of Ajax worked into all the nooks and crannies of my hand with a small oval shaped pumice stone. I scrub vigorously until the shower warms up, at which point I enter the stall and continue to shower in more or less the traditional manner. When I’m done in the shower, I dry off and rub a healthy amount of lotion into my hands.
- I’m pretty sure this is NOT an approved official use for Ajax.
- For anyone considering robbing their neighbors in the near future, I believe this procedure is also effective at temporarily removing my fingerprints.
- You may be asking yourself how this is Ancient, Chinese, or a secret. The old Chinese man I have locked in my basement taught me how to do it. Now that the secret is out, however, I’ll have to kill him. He will understand.
…but the UPS guy is already driving away by the time you put down the remote control, get your butt off the couch, dust the potato chips off your stomach, and walk over to the front door.
This clip is from July 2008 when Conan O’Brien went to work for UPS for a day: