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2000 Christmas Letter
Leaving my job at Rogue Wave Software....

If you are wondering why I left such a fun work environment, I discovered that some of the people in the company received their positions by selling their souls to the Devil and go about their daily business as nothing more than minions of Satan.


Year In Review
Talking with Ertok....

Omar: What’s the matter Ertok? Did you get snow in your ship’s plasma couplings?

Ertok: Be quiet little Earth mammal. Unless you know anything about cleaning plasma couplings I would suggest you… Wait a minute—how did you know what is wrong with my ship?

Omar: It’s been so long since we have sat down and just talked about things…. Like my web site.


Ode to Mr. Squishy Ball
How Comedy Works....

One of the most common approaches to humor is to make fun of a physical condition of a complete stranger. Try using the phrase “severe rectal itch” without it being funny. Not counting the last sentence. A typical example goes something like this: “My wife thought she had a SEVERE RECTAL ITCH, but it turns out she just wants to have kids.” This type of comedy is, in my humble opinion, not particularly suited to my style of writing. First of all, I don’t have a wife. And if I did, with my luck I would be the one with severe rectal itch. Readers would be scratching their heads wondering if our kids would have the ailment, and how that is supposed to be funny.


Trip To Pennsylvania
My Four Year Old Cousin's Birthday Party....

The small girls at the party amused themselves after all the presents were unwrapped and examined by everyone. The amusement, of course, was derived almost exclusively from a large cardboard box.


2000 Christmas Letter
My thoughts on the new Star Wars movie....

I wish only the best for everyone in 2001. Everyone, that is, except for Jar Jar Binks-- I wish only bad and evil things for that computer generated monstrosity. I fantasize about him being pummeled to death in the next Star Wars movie by the Ewoks after some wacky misunderstanding during his gratuitous vacation scene on the third moon of Endor. But that's just me.


This Old Crack House
Looking at the house....

There are two things that really jumped out at us when we entered the bathroom. And, no, that doesn't include the crack head hiding behind the door who tried to steal our video camera equipment.


2000 Christmas Letter
Helping out at Habitat For Humanity....

Some people have told me volunteering my time at Habitat is a good way to meet women. I won't disagree with that statement, but I have also taken a liking to the various power tools they let me use during the construction process. Oh yeah, and helping out poor people-- that's good too.


Ironic Chef
Pot Shot....

The marijuana plant, also known as hemp, cannabis, pot, grass, or weed, is one of the most rugged forms of flora known to mankind. Able to grow in almost any climate, marijuana has become a plant of choice for “amateur horticulturists” around the world.


Divide and Conquer
Colorado Police....

Despite being a quiet mountain town, Woodland Park has an impressive police presence. The ratio of law enforcement officers to civilians is similar to that of a Siberian prison colony.


Chapter 3
Talking to the Captain....

“Have I not performed all my duties as Captain of this ship?” The Captain asked.

“Well, yes.” The Lieutenant admitted. “But the entire crew is wondering why you reprogrammed the voice of the computer to sound like some weird old guy.”

“Ernest Borgnine, to be precise. I’ve taken up an interest in twentieth century culture. I think we can learn a lot from our past. What is your point to all of these questions, Lieutenant?”


The Dog Days of Summer
Walking the Dog....

Murphy always wants to be at the exact midpoint between Kristin and I while at the same time running around in circles. The interaction between the three of us is analogous to Luke Skywalker's two-sunned home planet of Tatooine (but on a much smaller scale.) That would, of course, explain why Luke's mother and stepfather had such difficult time harvesting crops.


More Kinetics
Watermelon Bras....

For the second year in a row I saw not a single article of women’s clothing constructed from fruit. Despite my detailed explanation of how to construct a watermelon bra on my web site last year, no one seems to have taken on the challenge of reviving this noble tradition.


Mom, I want to grow up and be a lounge singer
Living in Holland....

I didn’t understand any of the songs in Dutch. For all I know he was singing the “we drink Heineken and push annoying Americans into the icky canal water” song.


1997 Christmas Letter
Movie trilogies....

Consider the world of movies for a moment. By the time they get to making a third movie in a series it pretty much just sucks. I am sure they meant well when they made Superman 3, but putting Christopher Reeves, Richard Prior, and a wacky evil computer together isn't something to be proud of. Even Return of the Jedi wasn't as good as its predecessors. Oh no, they built ANOTHER Death Star for the good guys to blow up at the very end.


Making Boulder Safe
Banning Exotic Pets....

It's about time that the City Council members climbed down from their ivory tower and created legislation that helps out the regular Janes and Joes of the world. Just the other day I was watching some children playing on the large bronze animals in the center of the Pearl Street Mall when a hungry pack of hyenas came along and… well, lets just say it was not a pleasant situation.


Interview with Ertok
Ertok enslaving humanity....

If any humanoids are curious, your future will be similar to the movie Superman 2. Except instead of three escaped convicts from planet Krypton, there will be several thousand of us and there will be no Superman.


Interview with Ertok
Ertok enslaving humanity....

If any humanoids are curious, your future will be similar to the movie Superman 2. Except instead of three escaped convicts from planet Krypton, there will be several thousand of us and there will be no Superman.


How Do I Annoy Thee?
Singing in the shower....

I can’t imagine my upstairs neighbor Kathleen is really happy to be woken up in the middle of the night when I’m going on about that big ole jet airliner that is going to carry me to my home.


Making Boulder Safe
Banning Exotic Pets....

It's about time that the City Council members climbed down from their ivory tower and created legislation that helps out the regular Janes and Joes of the world. Just the other day I was watching some children playing on the large bronze animals in the center of the Pearl Street Mall when a hungry pack of hyenas came along and… well, lets just say it was not a pleasant situation.


1998 Christmas Letter
Being trapped on a bus with coworkers due to a blizzard....

Most people slept, talked, or played charades. Some people, however, didn't handle the situation quite so gracefully. The names are not important, but I honestly believe the threat of legal action was the only factor preventing some of the occupants of the bus from being physically restrained and placed in the under carriage storage compartments for the duration of the trip.



ADDITIONAL STORIES
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ADVENTURES IN SPACE
Chapter 1
Omar Lutfey

The First Lieutenant walked briskly over to the Captain’s sleeping quarters. Stopping a meter or so in front of the entrance, the Lieutenant examined the fine detail of the door. The planks of cherry wood showed their age with small cracks starting at the top and bottom and gradually working their way to the center of the door. The sturdy, oversized brass hinges kept the door in place despite the inevitable color change as the process of oxidation changed the chemical composition of the metal. The large ring of solid steel that served as a knocking device gave the door an imposing presence.

All of this would have been perfectly normal on an eighteenth century three masted schooner bravely sailing across the Atlantic ocean defending the colonial interests of the British empire. However, this ship was a twenty fourth century science vessel designed to function in the near vacuum of space.



RANDOM STORY HIGHLIGHTS
Time on my hands
Describing my apartment....

My patio is on the first floor and has a four foot high concrete barrier in lieu of a decorative railing. The concrete complements the thorny bushes that block out 95 percent of the sunlight that attempts to get through. These architectural cues were borrowed from the beach front structures the Germans used to defend their positions in Normandy.

How Computers Work: Part 8
Mac Users....

People who use this operating system are usually scared of electronic pointing devices with more than one button and often times can be heard making comments such as, “I can’t use this computer—its beige!”

The Silver Screams
Bush on Movies....

Yeah, I think I’ve seen “Schindler’s List”, but for some reason we could only see it in black and white. I remember getting horrible customer service when I called the cable company to complain about the picture.

2005 Christmas Letter
Strange Analogy....

Since moving into my townhouse, I would often compare my living room to my appendix—both are rather useless appendages that I could easily live without.



LETTER TO THE EDITOR

Sent by: Rose on June 10, 2004 :

i am looking for your detailed instructions on how to make a watermelon bra. I have to play a south sea islander in a play--and I was going to wear a coconut bra but they dont come in DD. where are these alleged instructions?
Coconuts are only to be used for pre-teens and anorexic supermodels. Complete instructions will be made available when my own personal Kinetics craft is finished.

Send a letter to the editor:

Signed:


RANDOM QUIPS

In Political News
August 15, 2002 Omar Lutfey

Speaking at the foot of Mount Rushmore, President Bush took time out of his four-week working vacation to criticize congress on the issue of Homeland Security. "The Democrats in the Senate are intentionally limiting... [LOOKS AT TV MONITOR] Whoa, hey, look at this-- my head is the same size as those up on the side of the mountain! [LOOKS UP AT MOUNTAIN] But my head is smaller, and they are made out of rocks! Get Cheney over here-- he has to see this... I don't care, get him out of the bunker. He has to see this."



In Box Office news
September 12, 2002 Omar Lutfey

The low-budget, independently produced film, "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" reached the number one spot for box office revenue this week. After being released in April, the feel-good romantic comedy steadily climbed the charts-- beating out several movies featuring high-profile actors and state-of-the-art special effects. Taking note of the unexpected success, Hollywood recently green-lighted a similar script involving an engaged couple facing ethnic differences, family conflicts, and time-traveling aliens (played by Julia Roberts and Denzel Washington) who employ their arsenal of futuristic weapons to disrupt the wedding.



Burning Issues
October 4, 2002 Omar Lutfey

Betty Bullock started smoking when she was seventeen and was diagnosed with lung cancer that has since spread to her liver. This week a jury awarded her $28 billion in damages after she sued Philip Morris for fraud and negligence. As a result of this court action, millions of people across the country are reconsidering the economic impact of quitting smoking.



Adding Fuel to the Fire
February 6, 2003 Omar Lutfey

After finishing his State of the Union speech, the President took a moment to respond to concerns regarding the nation's policy towards North Korea. "We can launch an attack the minute we finish building that battalion of hydrogen-powered armored vehicles."




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