IGF 3000

Announcer: Do you have a girlfriend?

[Shots of three different guys nodding]

Announcer: Is she perfect for you?

[First guy nods, and the other two shake their heads]

Announcer: Is she inflatable?

[First two guys look offended, the third one give and apologetic shrug]

Announcer: If you answered “Yes” or “No” to any of these questions, or if you haven’t changed the channel yet, you need the IGF 3000! After months of continuous use, inflatable girlfriends, or IGFs, have been known to malfunction and produce undesirable behaviors.

[Shot of man and IGF in bed with the man shivering and all the sheets on top of the IGF]

[Shot of man and IGF sitting on the couch. She is holding the remote. He says in a whiny voice, “Mannequin again?”]

[Shot of IGF sitting at the kitchen table wearing a wife beater and boxer shorts with a cheap can of beer in her hand and a lit cigar in her mouth]

Announcer: If this sounds like you, DON’T WORRY! The developers of the IGF 3000 have used “science” and “technology” to make everything all better!

[Shot of a lab. One guy is furiously fake typing on an old Commodore 64. Another guy is intently watching a test tube of liquid boil while occasionally looking at something on his clipboard. It turns out to be a comic book.]

Announcer: But wait! If you order now, we will throw in the “enhancement pack” ABSOLUTELY… at the regular price. In addition to all the basic features already described, the enhanced version will make your IGF even more productive around the house. She can exercise the pets.

[Shot of IGF in sweat suit being dragged along the sidewalk by a dog on a leash. Then dog is shown riding her leg.]

Announcer: She can run errands.

[Shot of IGF driving a car in regular clothes]

Announcer: She can even work on an oil rig!

[Shot of sign saying “Footage not available”]

Announcer: Quantities are, well, in theory, limited, so order now before your pesky roommate comes home and sees what you are doing!