i am looking for your detailed instructions on how to make a watermelon bra. I have to play a south sea islander in a play--and I was going to wear a coconut bra but they dont come in DD. where are these alleged instructions?

Coconuts are only to be used for pre-teens and anorexic supermodels. Complete instructions will be made available when my own personal Kinetics craft is finished.

It has come to my attention that the phrase "Native Americans" is no longer politically correct. The new preferred designation is "Indigenous Casino Owners". Please begin using this new designation on your website.

I was in a public Men's Room the other day, and it was only after I finished washing my own hands that I noticed the sign saying "Employees Must Wash Hands". Did I break the rule by washing my own hands? If so, what is the maximum penalty and would they be open to a plea bargain? I know, ignorance of the law is no excuse, but there weren't any employees in the room when I was in there...

I just came up with a new million-dollar idea: tobacco-free cigarettes! They're designed for people who just like to take long breaks at work...

Remember those air pump equipped tennis shoes from Reebock? How come Reebock never got into the breast implant business? If nothing else, think of all the women they could have saved from drowning.

With the upcoming 2004 election just around the corner, you may be interested in something I call: Voting Made Easy Do you consider yourself politically active but are too lazy to vote? If so, you might like the system I invented: simply find somebody who would vote exactly the opposite of your preferences and then convince that person NOT to vote. Net-net it has the same effect and you don't have to wait in the long voting lines! Alternatively, get a lot of bumper stickers for the candidate you wish to defeat and stick them on car bumpers at random in a parking lot. At least some of the car owners will be so ticked off they are bound to vote against him.

I take offense to calling the latest disease the "West Nile" virus! The West Nile is a wonderful place while the East Nile is a shit hole like Jersey City.

There is a rumor going around (starting right here) that President Bush may send troops to California to 'intice' Gov. Gray Davis to step down. I would rather see President Bush and Donald Rumsfeld address critical social issues, for example bringing back the Monterey Chicken sandwich at Wendy's. Yum!

Due to budget concerns, the city of Monterey has been put up for sale on E-bay. We apologize for an inconvience this may cause the citizens of California.

I "don't drink, don't smoke (goodie two-shoes)" and have a serious problem with excessive amounts of sunlight. Can I stll enter the Boulder Kinetics next year?

Since Kinetics is held in Boulder, Colorado, it will naturally be a very anti-smoking and pro-drinking event. As far as the sunlight issue goes, I would recommend burrowing a tunnel to the reservior and bringing a large bottle of sunblock.

Just thought you'd like to know the B Team has been spotted at yet another gas station, here in Dallas, TX. They convinced the clerk to chase me down, throw my cell phone to the ground, and then explain in a southern Louisiana dialect that I must be part of some terrorist group planning to destroy the RaceTrak by causing a static electric explosion. Band-Aid still has no pants.