While various barrier methods of birth control have been around since the ancient Egyptians were putting up those lovely pyramids, I’ve come to realize the most effective barrier method to date.
Step one: The woman lays down on the bed on the left side. She can position herself on her stomach, back, or side– whichever position is most comfortable.
Step two: The man lays down on the other side of the bed. He too can position himself as to maximize comfort.
Step three: When the initial contact between the man and woman is made a signal is sent (the exact transmission method is unknown) to the one year old child sleeping in the adjoining bedroom. This signal causes the child’s “I don’t want you to have sex” alarm to be activated. The alarm system can only be deactivated by placing the child in between the man and the woman. At this point the infant will promptly go back to sleep. This guarantees the prevention of any type of sexual penetration for the rest of the night.