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Quips (Page 1 of 12)
Barrel Of Monkeys
February 27, 2008 Omar Lutfey

A report in the December 2007 issue of Animal Behavior claims male monkeys pay for sex with grooming services. After a twenty month observation of the monkeys, one researcher concluded, "Despite the rather conclusive evidence that monkeys pay for these services, we still advise the general public to avoid monkeys who try to pay for sex with a personal check."

Bare Essentials
January 29, 2008 Omar Lutfey

A German travel agency recently announced it would start taking bookings for a trial nudist day trip from the eastern German town of Erfurt to the popular Baltic Sea resort of Usedom. The 55 passengers will have to remain clothed until they board, and dress before disembarking. When asked what effect this will have on the flight one executive commented, "we expect a drastic reduction in the number of passengers wanting to swap seats-- especially during the summer months."

Pound For Pound
January 5, 2008 Omar Lutfey

Oklahoma City Mayor Mick Cornett recently challenged it's citizens to collectively lose one million pounds through change in diet and exercise after being ranked in the top 10 of America's Fattest Cities. After hearing the news, the two half million pound men in the front row looked at each other and asked, "That's all great and all, but what can WE do to make things better?"

RATS!
December 2, 2007 Omar Lutfey

State and federal wildlife biologists are teaming up to eliminate rats who have, for the past 200 years, overrun a large Alaskan island uninhabited by humans. The island, known to locals as "Rat Island," will face a multi-pronged attack that will include the use of a blood thinners to make the rats bleed to death. One official close to the operation commented, "I'm sure we can get people to live there when we can change the name from 'Rat Island' to 'Dead Rat Island.'"

Weight Watchers
October 22, 2007 Omar Lutfey

The International Bureau of Weights and Measures recently reported the 118-year-old cylinder that is the international prototype for the metric mass of a kilogram appears to have lost 50 micrograms. This confirms a theory that scientists have suspected for quite some time now-- everyone is getting fatter.

Thai Cheap
August 18, 2006 Omar Lutfey

A project to provide $100 laptop computers to poor children around the world is about to take a step forward. Thaiwan's Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra announced that "if this project is completed" it would reach all Thai elementary students. With the exception, of couse, of the children who are too busy working in the $100 laptop sweatshops.

Heavy Reading
July 26, 2006 Omar Lutfey

The hottest book on Amazon.com this week described the efforts of a morbidly obese man to become a functioning member of society once again. The title of the book is, "How I Lost 749 Pounds But Found It In The Sofa Cushions."

Better than the maze
July 25, 2006 Omar Lutfey

Having a cigarette while drinking may reduce the effects of the alcohol, scientists suggest - but the tests have only been carried out on rats so far. The lead scientist explained, "we did everything within reason to create a nice bar scene for the rats, but when all was said and done it wasn't much more than a little hole in wall-- literally."

House Rules
April 22, 2006 Omar Lutfey

Immigration legislation has been stalled in Congress due to policy decisions regarding existing illegal immigrants. One Republican Senator went on record saying, "we could get a lot more done here if the Democrats stopped calling us Nazis every time we try to forcibly remove twelve million minorities from our country."

Free Bird
November 22, 2005 Omar Lutfey

President Bush pardoned two turkeys, Stars and Stripes, during the annual White House Thanksgiving tradition. When asked about the status of those who did not receive clemency and are still being held at undisclosed locations around the world, the President replied, "I want to be clear on this-- we do not torture... Let's just say they've been 'tenderized.' Heh heh heh. Yeah, that sounds much better."



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ADDITIONAL STORIES
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ADVENTURES IN SPACE
Chapter 1
Omar Lutfey

The First Lieutenant walked briskly over to the Captain’s sleeping quarters. Stopping a meter or so in front of the entrance, the Lieutenant examined the fine detail of the door. The planks of cherry wood showed their age with small cracks starting at the top and bottom and gradually working their way to the center of the door. The sturdy, oversized brass hinges kept the door in place despite the inevitable color change as the process of oxidation changed the chemical composition of the metal. The large ring of solid steel that served as a knocking device gave the door an imposing presence.

All of this would have been perfectly normal on an eighteenth century three masted schooner bravely sailing across the Atlantic ocean defending the colonial interests of the British empire. However, this ship was a twenty fourth century science vessel designed to function in the near vacuum of space.



RANDOM STORY HIGHLIGHTS
Adventures In Space: Chapter 7
Calvin's past....

The most interesting thing that ever happened to Calvin was witnessing a full scale fusion explosion while out wandering aimlessly outside after an argument with his siblings over the state of the holo-projector. Despite being more than a mile from the explosion, the force of the explosion knocked him to the ground. Calvin had a strong suspicion that his father had blown up the house. Unfortunately, this happened to be one of the few times Calvin was exactly correct. Police investigators determined that a prototype cold fusion washing machine that was the cause of the accident.

Newfunny Consulting, LLC
Making the world a better place....

If someone wants to go track down and savagely pummel the guy running around in the question mark suit explaining how to get free money from the government, well, I just can’t see how that would do the world any harm either.

Fun and Games
Playing laser tag....

I've seen quite a few 13 year olds girls with neon color hair and various metal objects in their nose get impressive rankings once the scored were tallied. Being skilled at laser tag and longing for various members of N'SYNC do not seem to be mutually exclusive.

How Computers Work: Part 5
Computers in the 1950s....

After the concepts involved in the Eniac computer were proved to be a success, people started asking a lot of questions about the future of computational devices. “What else can it do?”, “Can it be made smaller than 200 tons?”, and “Does it come in blue?” were just a few of the many, many thoughts people had about the topic.



LETTER TO THE EDITOR

Sent by: Rose on June 10, 2004 :

i am looking for your detailed instructions on how to make a watermelon bra. I have to play a south sea islander in a play--and I was going to wear a coconut bra but they dont come in DD. where are these alleged instructions?
Coconuts are only to be used for pre-teens and anorexic supermodels. Complete instructions will be made available when my own personal Kinetics craft is finished.

Send a letter to the editor:

Signed:


RANDOM QUIPS

Hitting the Books
April 12, 2005 Omar Lutfey

Mike Tyson and Kevin McBride have announced plans for a June 11, 2005 boxing fight in Washington, D.C. Tyson, currently $30 million in debt, commented at the press conference, "after pulverizing this man I'll have another win under my belt, more respect from the boxing community, and roughly $2 million more debt to add to my collection."



Three Strikes
February 6, 2003 Omar Lutfey

In a recent interview, Ben Affleck dismissed rumors that he plans to marry Jennifer Lopez on Valentine's Day. When asked if he ever had a fling with Britney Spears, Affleck again said it wasn't true. He proceeded to ask the pop princess's age and then mouthed the words "call me" as he made a telephone gesture with his thumb and pinky.



Three Strikes
February 6, 2003 Omar Lutfey

In a recent interview, Ben Affleck dismissed rumors that he plans to marry Jennifer Lopez on Valentine's Day. When asked if he ever had a fling with Britney Spears, Affleck again said it wasn't true. He proceeded to ask the pop princess's age and then mouthed the words "call me" as he made a telephone gesture with his thumb and pinky.



Island Paradise
July 11, 2003 Omar Lutfey

An unidentified British financier recently spent $40 million for an apartment space facing Central Park in New York City. After the deal was finalized, the landlord warned the new tenant, "No loud music, no drugs, or I get you arrested and someone else gets your apartment."




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