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Omar the Webmaster (and just about everything else around here)
LIttle boy hanging upside down When he finishes cleaning up around the house, Omar is the creator, webmaster, and main contributor to newfunny.com. When he isn't busy "working", Omar likes to play pool, ride his motorcycle, and ridicule curling. Omar also aspires to compete professionally in the sport of child juggling.

To see pictures of places he has visited, please visit Omar's Travel Page




Captain Janeway, Series Contributor
Captain Janeway 'Captain Janeway' hails from London,England and spends a large amount of time hiding from rain, tax officials and the 'men in black hats'. She has traveled extensively throughout the world, even spending time in Venice Beach California, for which she is now receiving counseling.

Her interests include crashing the home computer, watching Voyager, and trying to find time to be more than a fictional character. When not writing she may be found wandering the streets, trying to remember her own name.
Ertok, the Resident Evil Alien Overlord
Ertok Ertok is an Evil Alien Overlord who in addition to "helping" run this web site is busy making plans to take over the world. His hobbies include intergalactic travel, rigging the office coffee machine to run on cold fusion, and mocking the articles found in Scientific American and Maxim.





ADDITIONAL STORIES
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ADVENTURES IN SPACE
Chapter 1
Omar Lutfey

The First Lieutenant walked briskly over to the Captain’s sleeping quarters. Stopping a meter or so in front of the entrance, the Lieutenant examined the fine detail of the door. The planks of cherry wood showed their age with small cracks starting at the top and bottom and gradually working their way to the center of the door. The sturdy, oversized brass hinges kept the door in place despite the inevitable color change as the process of oxidation changed the chemical composition of the metal. The large ring of solid steel that served as a knocking device gave the door an imposing presence.

All of this would have been perfectly normal on an eighteenth century three masted schooner bravely sailing across the Atlantic ocean defending the colonial interests of the British empire. However, this ship was a twenty fourth century science vessel designed to function in the near vacuum of space.



RANDOM STORY HIGHLIGHTS
1996 Christmas Letter
Finishing college....

I have very mixed feelings about graduating college. On one hand I don't miss the "Cultural Anthropology" class I was required to take or the "Oh, but he does a lot of research" professors that are forced to teach classes. On the other hand, I liked being able to watch television until my eyes hurt and spend most of my time on campus with 10,000 women, most of whom were between the ages of 18 and 25.

Xmas Party Story
Party etiquette....

It is a good idea to stay after the party has died down and help clean up the mess. It is a bad idea to stay after the party has died down and repeatedly throw up in the sink before you pass out on the couch until the next afternoon.

1996 Christmas Letter
My first job out of college....

Just to make it perfect, we also have a cappuccino machine. The front of the machine shows a picture of some great looking cappuccino with perfect looking whip cream with just the right amount of evenly distributed sprinkles. Unfortunately, when I went to get some cappuccino I realized that the machine is not equipped to dispense either whip cream or sprinkles. In an angry fit of rage I ripped the machine out of the wall, raised it up over my head, yelled "Where are the fucking sprinkles?", and proceeded to throw the entire apparatus at a prospective client. He didn't die or anything, but I don't know if he is retaining our services. My lawyer advised my not to disclose the terms of the settlement.



LETTER TO THE EDITOR

Sent by: Rose on June 10, 2004 :

i am looking for your detailed instructions on how to make a watermelon bra. I have to play a south sea islander in a play--and I was going to wear a coconut bra but they dont come in DD. where are these alleged instructions?
Coconuts are only to be used for pre-teens and anorexic supermodels. Complete instructions will be made available when my own personal Kinetics craft is finished.

Send a letter to the editor:

Signed:


RANDOM QUIPS

In School News
September 6, 2002 Omar Lutfey

Parents in Aspen, Colorado claim that plans to teach yoga violate federal rulings that bar religion in the classroom. The district's yoga program was developed after September 11 to help make children feel safer in school. When questioned about this controversy, President Bush responded, "Before we let this issue create a division among us, we need to all sit down and listen to what the little green Muppet fella has to say."



RATS!
December 2, 2007 Omar Lutfey

State and federal wildlife biologists are teaming up to eliminate rats who have, for the past 200 years, overrun a large Alaskan island uninhabited by humans. The island, known to locals as "Rat Island," will face a multi-pronged attack that will include the use of a blood thinners to make the rats bleed to death. One official close to the operation commented, "I'm sure we can get people to live there when we can change the name from 'Rat Island' to 'Dead Rat Island.'"



In Business News
June 28, 2002 Omar Lutfey

Xerox recently admitted to overstating revenue by 1.9 billion over the past 5 years. Attempts to destroy potentially damaging information proved unsuccessful when the copier, instead of mangling documents beyond recognition, produced clean and easy-to-read duplicates.



Pie in the Sky
May 12, 2004 Omar Lutfey

In light of the recent Space Shuttle disaster, officials at NASA are considering sending an unmanned robot into space to perform maintenance on the fourteen year old Hubble Telescope. "The idea came to us," one project manager reported, "after the local Chuck E Cheese closed down and the entire animatronic Pizza Time Band became unemployed."




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