The B-Team

A woman drives up to a gas station, gets out of her car, and starts pumping gas. A ringing noise is heard coming from her pocket. She pulls out a cell phone and starts talking.

“Hello? Yes. Yes. No. That’s not what he told me. I don’t know why he said that. I know. Yes, this is going to be a problem. Don’t worry, I’ll figure something out. I’m not sure what I’ll do right now.”

A group of four men quietly walk up behind the woman.

The leader of the group solidly rests his hand on the woman’s shoulder and announces, “Congratulations, ma’am, you just hired ‘The B-Team.’”

“Who are you freaks, and why are you sneaking up behind total strangers at the local Loaf ‘n Jug?” the woman asked after she sprayed a healthy does of concentrated pepper spray in their general direction.

“The name is Melvin,” the man said as he curled up into the fetal position while clutching his face in agony. “Gary, the pepper spray is constricting my throat–how about you finish the introductions?”

“Don’t blow your big chance,” Gary said quietly to himself as he stepped to the front of the group. “In 1998 a group of four total strangers was arrested for jaywalking in Bismarck, North Dakota. After paying a nominal fine, these men promptly left town while muttering profanities under their breath. Today, not really wanted by anyone in particular, and not having any extraordinary skills, these men attempt to eek out a living imitating their favorite 1980’s television series. If you have a problem, and can’t outrun them, you are pretty much stuck with the B-Team.”

Gary looks back at the rest of his team and whispers, “HELLO! You two were supposed to hum the theme song during that part.”

“HELLO! We were busy helping Melvin breathe-— is that OK, Mr., ummm, In Charge Wizard Guy?”

Gary, not sure what to do next, compliments them on saving Melvin, and then turns back to the woman. “So does that clear things up?”

The woman cautiously puts down the spray. “OK, suppose for a minute I believe your story, Gary. Why are you standing here in your underwear?”

“Oh, that.” Gary clears his throat and continues, “I want to get into the modeling business, so I figured I’ll display myself until we save the life of a perky young lady who just happens to work for the underwear department of Sears. Then she will have to give me a shot in their catalog. It all works out pretty well since I’m the team pretty boy.”

The woman looks Gary over and tries to conceal a puzzled look. “Well, I maybe if you lost some weight and worked on your complexion…”

Melvin gets back up and regains his composure. “Good thinking there, Vance, and Band-Aid– you really came through for me. Look here lady, we can pummel Gary’s self esteem all day, but that isn’t going to solve your problem. Wait a minute, you haven’t told us your problem yet. That pepper spray disrupted our usual routine. Does your situation involve the Mafia? Or maybe drug lords taking over your family farm?”

“Nothing that exciting– I ordered a new cell phone, but I’ve waited two weeks and it has yet to show up. I’m getting to the point where I’m going to call the phone company and complain.”

Melvin shook his head and smiled. “Young lady, you have a lot to learn about how the phone company works. Here is what you are going to do. Gary– put on some clothes and start dating Catherine Zeta-Jones. Vance, I need you to find out everything you can about cellular phones. And finally, Band-Aid, I need you to modify the van somehow.”

“I threw away all my clothes when I decided to be an underwear model.” Gary said.

“No hablas inglés.” Vance pronounced.

“You Fool! Our van broke down in Nebraska, and we couldn’t afford the repair bill.” Band-Aid yelled out.

“And look,” Gary pointed to a Greyhound Bus. “Our ride to Chicago is about to leave! If we don’t get on, we are going to be stuck at this gas station until tomorrow afternoon. And all our stuff is on the bus too!”

Melvin turns to the woman apologetically. “I’m sorry we couldn’t get to the bottom of this, but we are a team on the run– for our bus, in this case.”

“That’s OK. At least I know my pepper spray works,” the woman replied sympathetically.

The four men start running for the bus as it heads out of the gas station. Melvin gets on last, and stops for a moment at the door. He pulls out a container of chewing tobacco and puts a large wad in his mouth. He takes one last look at the woman at the gas station, and proclaims, “I love it when a plan comes together enough that we don’t get arrested.”

Suddenly Melvin starts chocking and chunks of moist chewing tobacco are seen flying out of his mouth. He loses his balance and falls off the bus—-which just keeps going.

I originally posted this on Feb 25, 2003, but I decided to put it back on top after seeing the trailer for “The A Team” movie coming out this summer.  This is still one of my favorite sketch type posts.